CAKE

Let me eat cake!

I’m furious. I haven’t been this mad in a long time.

I’M FUCKING PISSED.

That’s right: FUCKING!

My office has cake once a month to celebrate the employee birthdays in that month. No one ever knows what day it will happen until the receptionist sends out an email saying, “Come to the main conference room at 3 o’clock for birthday cake!” Last year, in honor of my birthday, the receptionist ordered just the kind of cake I like: chocolate cake, chocolate frosting and as much other chocolate as they could shove in there. That’s my kinda cake, and if I’m gonna eat cake, especially for my own birthday, dammit, I’m gonna like it!

It was one of three cakes she ordered that month, and it was by far the most popular. Who doesn’t love chocolate cake?

Now we have a new receptionist, and I’ve been a little nervous about whether he’d know what kind of cake to order. But what am I gonna do? Be the guy who goes up to him and puts in a special request, because I think he’s a total moron who can’t order a decent birthday cake?

No, I didn’t want to be that guy.

I figured, if he didn’t order the BEST cake, he’d still order something pretty decent. They order three cakes a month. One of them has to be good. Right?

I give people too much credit.

Here’s how important cake day is to me. I’ve been out two days this month — once to take the Notary exam and once because I was sick. Both times, I cringed upon returning, afraid I might’ve missed my cake day while I was gone. Yes, I know it’s pathetic. But I have to soak up what little joy I can at this job, and thankfully, I didn’t miss cake day.

The email just came. Today is cake day.

Only it’s not cake day. Get this:

IT’S FUCKING PIE DAY!!!!!!

That’s right! The bonehead ordered PIES! You know what I hate? FUCKING PIES! You know who hates pies? FUCKING ME!

THIS IS THE BIGGEST FUCKING OUTRAGE OF MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE!

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t be so upset, but it’s my birthday! It’s my cake! Only, it’s not cake, IT’S A FUCKING PIE!

FUCK THE RECEPTIONIST! FUCK THIS PLACE! FUCK THOSE FUCKING PIES!!!!!!!!!!

Happy birthday to me.