LOSER

Last night was the first night of the new season of gay tennis league, and I was a big LOSER! I lost in singles, and I lost in doubles. I wish I wasn’t always so hard on myself when I lose, because I lose so often. It’s taxing. I’m like Andrew’s father in The Breakfast Club, berating myself in my head: “Jerry, you’ve got to be #1!” If I don’t win a match soon, I’m going to tape someone’s buns together. (Watch out, Drew.)

And it turns out, my doubles partner this season is going to be David, Rob’s ex-boyfriend. Rob is my tennis league friend, and he just broke up with David about two weeks ago and — well, it’s complicated, but trust me: it’s going to be awkward. David didn’t show up last night (he had a sub), so we don’t know if he dropped out because of the breakup or if he’s injured. Do you like hearing gossip about people you don’t know? Good. I’ve got tons.

One of the other assistants at my office just sent out an email saying she was swamped and asking if anyone could help her. I have NOTHING to do, but I didn’t respond to her because… well, I don’t wanna! Does that make me a bad person? Somebody else offered to help her. Well, I’m off the hook, I guess, but I’m still a jerk.

On Monday night, Drew and I went to see my new favorite band Ted Leo and the Pharmacists at the Troubadour. I’m sorry I just called them my new favorite band, because there’s no room to go up from there when I describe how big a fan the concert made me. Now that I’ve seen them live, they’re my super-favorite! Ted Leo is a great song-writer and guitar player and really cute and he spits and sweats a lot when he performs. Don’t let me gloss over that last part. He spits and sweats A LOT. Did I mention he’s cute? I don’t want to gloss over that either.

After the show, I wanted to buy Ted’s earlier CD “The Tyrrany of Distance”. All I have is his new one “Hearts of Oak”, which is awesome. I listen to it all the time. In fact, it’s easily my favorite album of the year. (See how much better it is when you hold off on the superlatives for a beat?) We heard a security guy say they were bringing the “Merch” down, so we waited and waited in the bar for the “merch” to arrive. It took a LOOOOOOOONG time, and by the time the “merch” got there, most people had left. The handful who stayed were the diehard fans, and they were asking about t-shirts and pins and stuff, but Ted’s label reps said that stuff was only available on the website.

I bought the CD for only $10, which made me happy until I wondered if Ted was making enough money on this whole endeavor. His CD is ranked 1,326 on Amazon.com, which surely doesn’t pay the bills. And the tickets to the concert were only $10 each. Given that there were probably about 250 people there and that he had a four-piece backup band, I doubt Ted makes a lot from touring either. (Hey, Ted, if you wanna save some cash, fire that woman who played the tambourine. She looked bored anyway.) I feel bad for Ted, who’s more talented than all those Linkin Bizkit/Sum 182 whatever bands but who probably eats Ramen noodles and stuff for dinner. Hey, Lookout Records, get your act together and bring some “merch” to the guy’s shows!

After I got my merch, Drew wanted me to go up and talk to Ted, who was hanging out with some of the fans near the stage. I just bought his CD, so I had an “in”, right? But I was too scared. Plus, as mentioned before, he was really sweaty. Maybe I was just afraid of the disillusionment I’d feel if I’d gotten close enough to smell the reek.

Drew and I both got kind of a gay vibe from Ted, so I did some googling the next day to test out our suspicions. It’s not easy to find public record of the sexuality of an obscure alternative rocker, but eventually I unearthed an old interview where he mentioned he was dating some woman from some other band. Oh, well. I have lousy gaydar. That’s why I’d be no good at Boy Meets Boy.

I’d be a loser at that, too.