Today is National Boss Appreciation Day. If that gets you giddy with glee and sets you off thinking of all the creative ways you can show your boss how much you appreciate him or her, let me inform you that you are the person whom everyone else in your office secretly hates.

So, anyway, a few minutes ago, I got the following email (reprinted in its delectably effed-up entirety) from the woman in my office whom everyone secretly hates:

Today is National Boss Day, our you guys interested in doing what we did last year for Boss Appreciation Day “ICE CREAM SUNDAES”. I will be collecting $5.00 (or whatever you would like to give) from each staff member who wishes to participate for Boss Appreciation Day, so we can buy the goodies for the ice cream sundaes. Please let me know if your interested asap.

This puts me in a difficult situation. It goes without saying that I don’t appreciate my boss. And that goes double when it comes to occasions in which we are expected to show our appreciation for each other. Let’s remember, this is the guy who gave me a lousy free gift bathroom kit bag for Christmas last year and who has done NOTHING for me on the last two Administrative Assistant Appreciation Days (or whatever the new PC name is for the equally bullshit counterpart to Boss Appreciation Day). So it would feel really good to go out of my way to snub him. I love the thought of him showing up to get his sundae this afternoon only to be turned away when someone says, “I’m sorry. Your assistant didn’t contribute, so you can’t have any.”

But okay, that wouldn’t happen. What would really happen is he’d get his ice cream, he’d assume I appreciated him and I’d piss off all the other assistants at the office and become the guy who’s too good to chip in five bucks. (Which, by the way, is an AWFUL LOT for ice cream now that I think about it.)

Besides, if I didn’t contribute, I wouldn’t feel right having a sundae of my own. And you’d better believe that if there’s ice cream in the office, I’m going to partake.

I’ll just have to swallow mine along with a hearty helping of bitterness.

UPDATE: They made me sign a card! Ugh. As if the indignity of paying for this wasn’t indignifying enough. There was some major ass-kissing going on on that card, too. Plenty of “You’re the best bosses ever!” and “Thanks for making this the best place to work!!!”, but the really scary thing is the woman who wrote, “May your bountiful blessings continue!”. Yuck. I opted for a simple, “Thanks. Jerry”. You never have to worry about getting any false sincerity from me. I don’t think I’m capable of it.

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