STEP OFF, Y’ALL!

People always ask me: Jerry, who’s up in your grill this week? Well, I’ll tell ya who’s up in my grill. Everyone!

Scalia, you need to recuse yourself. If I’m not mistaken from all my years of watching David Kelly shows, judges recuse themselves not because they can’t be impartial. Judges (in theory at least) can always be impartial. That’s what makes a good judge. But judges are supposed to recuse themselves to avoid the appearance of bias. When you and a litigant in a case you’re trying are hunting buddies, that looks like bias. Why not just step aside in the name of justice? The only reason not to would be if you know your pal is up shit creek and could really use your help to save his shaky case. This whole mess just makes both Scalia and Cheney even less credible than ever. I move for a mistrial!

Eisner, it’s time to take your piles of money and ride off into the sunset. Did you know Disney actually opened a second theme park next to Euro Disney? Surprise, surprise. It’s losing money. And how could he let Pixar slip away? It’s not like Disney has ever relied on having, you know, a profitable animation arm or anything. This overpaid exec should’ve been kissing Steve Jobs’ pixellated ass, not to mention Roy Disney’s. The flood of people leaving Disney aren’t being petty, Mike; they’re jumping ship, and the stockholders will be next. Eisner’s turned the most profitable and well-known entertainment company in history into a Mickey Mouse operation.

Howard Dean: it’s time to quit. You were good for the race, you were fun, you got people to care again. But you’re becoming a joke, and you’re actually starting to damage the one cause you claimed to stand for: defeating Bush. Sure, you still have a loyal base of support, but so does Michael Jackson. If you really think there’s a value to having a posse that will follow you blindly into the abyss, I’ve got two words for you: Ralph Nader. Face the facts: two million college kids and Al Gore can’t make you president, but they sure can screw it up for somebody else. Sorry, but in this sitcom, you’re the wacky neighbor. It’s time to wrap up the b-story so the lead actors can do their thing.

Sorry, FCC, but the exposure of a woman’s jewelry-pinched nipple isn’t “a new low”. Calling that incident a new low is a new low. I mean, really, has the FCC been watching TV for the last fifty years? Have they seen “Fear Factor”? “Mr. Belvedere”? “Celebrity Naked Hidden Camera Extreme Sex Blowout”? (Now in development at FOX.) For America’s new breed of internet-bred youngsters, a nipple exposure is about as thrilling as watching paint dry, or listening to Janet Jackson’s music. “A new low”? Hardly. Is it just me, or is hyperbole right now worse than it’s ever been in all of human history?

Evangelical Christians: you guys stink. I’m all for freedom of religion, but maybe it’s time we start promoting freedom from religion. I don’t need you trying to convert me everywhere I go. Yeah, I’ve heard about Revelations, and I’m willing to take my chances, so step off, okay? Now I can’t even fly from LAX to JFK without being proselytized to. How about you guys preach all you want in your place of worship and leave the rest of us alone? I’ll say amen to that.

American Idol judges: why’d you can Scooter Girl? She’s got personality, she’s got a great voice. Okay, so she’s a freak, but try to remember this is reality TV. Mark Burnett and the Donald kept Crazy Sam around for three weeks, not in spite of his freak factor, but because of it. Scooter Girl deserves a second shot to entertain America! Who would be a better wild card than the wildest contestant of all? (Ugh, I can’t believe I actually signed an online petition for this.)

And finally…

Me: Seriously, what’s my problem anyway? I couldn’t get through a single post without a reality TV ref? It figures. Enough, Jerry, enough!