I WANT TO BE A SUPER MILLIONAIRE!

Honestly, I’d settle for just being a plain old millionaire. I’m not greedy.

When you call the phone line for ABC’s new “Super Millionaire” game show, they ask you five fastest finger-type questions, in ascending order of difficulty. The first two times I called (they limit you to one attempt a day), I couldn’t get past the second question. They were hard!

But today, I tried again, and this time, everything fell into place. Question #2 was still pretty tough, but #3 was surprisingly easy. Then, when I heard #4, I was sure my run of luck had come to an end. It was about British history, something I know absolutely nothing about. (I wouldn’t think of posting the actual questions. Those networks have some mean-ass lawyers.)

But it turns out, my luck held out a little bit longer. The odds of getting a fastest finger question right by guessing randomly: 1 in 16. Well, there are fifteen strangers who are very pissed off at me right now. I got it right, but I still wasn’t too excited, because I knew #5 was going to be impossible.

Then I heard #5. It was about… get this… pop music! As if you have to ask…

I passed the test!!!!!!

The nice automated phone lady made me give my name and phone number and even pick a tape date. Oh, my God! Could I really be a Super Millionaire? I immediately started spending the money in my head and practicing my banter with Reege. “How do I plan to spend the money? Well, I’m going to give it all to whoever has the best chance to defeat George W. Bush in November.” I’d be a super millionaire — and a darling of the Left all at once! Then, sadly, the sensible part of me thought to check the official rules.

According to ABC, they estimate that 250,000 people will play the call-in game every day, and that 4% of those people will get all 5 questions right. While it’s nice to know I’m in the top 4%, that means the odds of being one of the 10 people picked for my tape day are a mere 1 in 1,000.

I’ll still be waiting by the phone between 6am and 9am on Tuesday, when any potential call would come. But I’m not calling Kerry’s campaign headquarters just yet.

But just in case, who wants to be my lifeline for British history?