What I wanted to say to the creepy guy who came up to me when I was in line:

“Well, yes, I am interested in Lasik surgery. Tell me more. You see, like most people, I’ve been hearing about Lasik surgery for years, but I didn’t want to entrust my freaking eyes to just anyone. No, I’ve been waiting to be accosted in a fast food restaurant by a mumbly, unshaven weirdo with a pony tail who apparently approaches everyone he sees wearing glasses with his brilliant sales pitch. Since you’re clearly not smart enough to see the obvious flaw in your marketing strategy, maybe I should clue you in to the fact that I’m being sarcastic. So go tell your brother-in-law or whoever actually does the surgery that maybe he should find a better way to score clients than to offer every freak in his address book a finder’s fee.”

What I actually said:

“Uh, no thanks.”

What I wanted to say to the employee who got stuck cleaning up the plastic condiment cups that the customer in front of me knocked on the floor:

“You know what, it’s really not sanitary to put something that you picked up off the ground back on the counter for customers to use. That’s why I took the ones that I helped you collect (you’re welcome, by the way) and threw them in the trash. Maybe you’re thinking the five second rule applied and since you picked them up right away, they were still sanitary. Nope. One of the ones I threw out had a hair in it. No joke. Putting them back wasn’t cool. Is it the money? Are you worried about wasting the 35 cents or whatever those two dozen plastic cups and lids cost? Well, here’s 35 cents. No, take it. I insist. Just throw the cups away. Please?”

What I actually said:


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