BIN LADEN ASKS FRANCE TO PROM

In a tape released today, Osama bin Laden offered a truce to Europe provided they disengage from the U.S. effort in Iraq, a clear attempt, say officials, “to drive a wedge between Europe and the United States”. But shortly after the tape aired on Arab TV stations, a second tape surfaced, and on this one, Osama offered a more direct message: “France, will you go to the prom with me?”

In a transcript of the tape, Osama declares, “France, I really like you a lot. I mean, I don’t just like you, I, you know, I like like you. So please, France, will you go to the prom with me?” Osama was described as nervous and uncomfortable on the tape, shuffling his feet and gazing awkwardly at the ground. It appeared as though he had practiced his plea in the mirror countless times before finally getting up the courage to ask France directly. He added, “I know America already asked you to go with them, but they’re not so great. They just think they’re cool ’cause they’re so big and popular and rich, but I’m cooler than them. My mom says so. So go with me, France. I’ll treat you better than they ever could.”

In response to the tape, France said, “Iw, like, get away from me, you creep!” and then announced plans to change its phone number.

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In a related story, Donny Weston, 28, of Dover, Tennessee released an audio tape of his own today, which he addressed to Osama bin Laden:

“Dear Osama. Now that you’re selectively offering truces, I was wondering if I could apply for one. Dude, that’d be real cool of you. I know it sucks hating, like, the entire world, so you’re being all slick offering Europe a deal, like you’re doing them a favor, but we all know the truth. You’ve got more enemies than you can handle. So let me help you narrow your hit list by one more: me. If I understand correctly, your beef with Americans is that we occupy your lands and kill Muslims. Well, guess what, I’ve never killed anyone, of any religion! And I’ve never set foot in the Middle East. You want me to stay away forever? Done! And furthermore — and this is the important part I hope you’ll pay special attention to — I don’t want to die. So come on, dude, truce? I’m not saying I’m going to agree with your philosophy. For example, I’m not really on board with the part about how you want to kill Americans, especially me. But we can agree to disagree. You’ll still think Americans are imperialist killers who insult Allah and threaten your way of life, and I still think you’re an Islam-distorting opportunist preying on disaffected, uneducated foot soldiers to do your murderous bidding because you see democracy as a threat to your egotistical power-grab. But we cool. As long as you don’t kill me, that is. Please?”