THE LAST ENTRY I WILL EVER POST ABOUT WHAT AN UNGRATEFUL JERK I AM WHEN IT COMES TO FREE FOOD PROVIDED BY MY OFFICE

Q: “Weren’t those pastries good, Jerry?”

A: “To be honest, Maria, I was not fond of those pastries. Call me old-fashioned if you will, but if I’m going to blow my diet, I prefer to do it on a simpler snack treat. Those fancy pastries were far too pretty and elaborate for me. Custard, frosting, gelatin, a layer of ultra-dry cake an eighth of an inch thick and a half strawberry on top, with a swirl of icing in the form of a treble clef? Forgive me, but I’m not impressed. A Twinkie is nothing more than a tube of sponge cake with some cream shoved in through the bottom. Hostess sells millions of Twinkies a year; Miss Millie’s Sweet Shoppe probably sells a few hundred of those treble clef monstrosities — and I’m being generous. If you noticed, about half the assorted pastries went uneaten. That does not speak well of the appeal of Miss Millie’s prodigal approach to cake-making. She could learn a lesson from Hostess’ sales figures, if you ask me.

Frankly, those pastries tried way too hard. The chocolate log slices, for example, could’ve been borderline edible were it not for the raspberry swirl in the middle. There are many flavors that go well with chocolate — peanut butter, graham, candy coating. Chocolate also goes well with other forms of chocolate — chocolate chips, chocolate flakes, that kind of chocolate that gets hard when you put it on ice cream. But whoever thought of putting chocolate and raspberry together should be slathered in goat blood and thrown headfirst to a pack of wild boars. He’s ruined a lot of good desserts.

So, in answer to your question, no, those pastries were not good. Sure, it was nice of our company to do something in honor of Staff Appreciation Week, but given their lackluster choice of dessert providers (and the fact that the so-called treats were delivered, curiously, just minutes before lunch), forgive me for not feeling sufficiently appreciated. Yes, I ate my slice of chocolate log and painstakingly picked out the raspberry swirl with a fork before I let a single morsel touch my lips, but I assure you that every bite I took was with bitterness in my heart, and I did not enjoy a single calorie of it.”

What I actually said: “Yeah, they were great!”