CODE YELLOW

There’s nothing like waking up in the morning to find out that the latest terrorist threat centers around the place where you eat lunch every day. Let’s see:

• Los Angeles… check.
  

• A mall… check.
  

• On the Westside… check.
  

• Near the Federal Building… check.

That’s 4 out of 4, which means everyone’s on alert for suspicious characters carrying around toothpaste tubes full of nitroglycerine in the general vicinity of my Baja Fresh.

So what does it mean if I avoid the mall today like the (weaponized form of the) Plague? Does that indicate that I’m a big chicken? Hey, I can live with that. I’ll happily be labeled a chicken for the rest of my long, healthy, terrorism-untouched life. But some might suggest that if I don’t go about my business as usual, I’m letting the terrorists win.

Well, I’ve let people win before. It’s not so bad, unless they get all snotty about it, and you’re like, “Hey, shut up already. You only won because I let you won!” And they’re like, “Yeah, right! You suck, and you’re a sore loser, too!” And you’re like, “No, I’m not, ’cause I didn’t lose! You lost, loser!” And they’re like, “Oh, yeah? Then prove it!” And then you have to back down because you know you can’t prove it. And then you’re even more steamed because you realize you never should’ve let them win in the first place, and now they think they won not just the game but also the fight about who won.

So let me make this very clear up front:

Osama, I’m letting you win today. Got it?

(Ha, ha. Loser!)