Q: Do you mind helping me with this?

A: Not at all. He is not an easy person to shop for. I feel your pain.

Q: Have a lot of people been asking you for help?

A: Tons.

Q: So what should I get him?

A: I don’t know. It’s kind of last minute, and at this point, I’m pretty much out of ideas.

Q: But I know you gave so-and-so an idea.

A: Yes, because she’s quicker than you, and she got to me when I still had some ideas left.

Q: If you give away your good ideas, what will you get him?

A: That’s why I don’t give away my good ideas.

Q: So if I use your help, then I’m just getting your own rejected gift ideas?

A: You betcha. And not only that, but after you give him your gift, I’m going to take credit for it. That is the price of my services. Ha, ha, ha!

Q: Will you really take credit for my gift?

A: No, not really. Unless it bombs. Then I’ll say, “Don’t blame [your name]. It was my idea.” I’m nice that way.

Q: I’ve been thinking of buying him [Title of Gayish Movie] on DVD. Will he like that?

A: There are only two possible answers to this question: “He hates that movie” or “He already has it”.

Q: What about [Title of 80’s Movie]? They just re-released it in a pimped-out special edition with a commentary track by [Washed-Up Brat Packer]!

A: Yes, we rented that last week. He/she sounded totally bitter. Hilarious.

Q: What about the new CD by [Gayish Musical Artist]?

A: He hates them.

Q: What about this cool book I found?

A: Perfect! That’s totally his taste! He will LOVE getting that book and will be genuinely touched that you knew him so well as to select something so fitting. Of course, he’ll never actually read it because he has about 5,000 other books he plans to read first. But if you’re going for sentiment over utility, then you nailed it.

Q: What size shirt/shoes/hat does he wear?

A: Large/10/None. But if you buy him clothes, just don’t be one of those people who buys him the kinds of clothes they think he should wear, rather than the kinds he actually will wear. Do you know how sad that will make him? He’ll think you’re saying he has no fashion sense, and he’ll cry and cry all night long, and I will cradle him in my arms and tell him you’re just thoughtless and insensitive. Either get him something that looks just like something he already has, or forget it.

Q: What about a gift certificate?

A: He never uses them. Seriously. They sit on his dresser in a big pile, and they rot there until they expire. One night, for fun, we counted them all up, and there was over $500 worth. The only gift certificates I’ve ever seen him use are for restaurants. He loves to eat out.

Q: If I get him a gift certificate to a restaurant, don’t you benefit, too?

A: I hadn’t thought of that, but yes, if he goes to dinner, I assume he’ll take me along.

Q: I heard last year you told somebody to get him concert tickets for a band you liked, who he couldn’t stand.

A: This story has been grossly distorted. Yes, I liked the headliner. No, Drew did not. But he was a big fan of the opening artist, whose name wasn’t printed on the tickets. So when he opened the gift and said, “I don’t like this band! Jerry does!”, you can see how the rumors about my ulterior motives got started. But the fact that I liked the headliner was pure coincidence. Great concert, by the way. They totally rocked.

Q: Fine, I’ll go with the gift certificate. What’s his favorite restaurant?

A: [Chain Restaurant Known For Its Inhumanly Enormous Portions].

Q: Isn’t [Chain Restaurant Known For Its Inhumanly Enormous Portions] your favorite restaurant?

A: Coincidence.

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