MIND-BOGGLING NEWS

• Revolution Studios and the “creative” team behind “Watching Ellie” and “The Single Guy” are planning a movie called “Gay Secret Agent”, to star Brendan Fraser as a “flamboyantly gay” spy, whose success at his job stems from the fact that he’s “charming and well-mannered, a great dancer and an impeccable dresser”. Hey, Revolution Studios, I have an idea you’re going to love. It’s called “Chinese Secret Agent”, and it’s about a meek, nerdy laundromat owner whose math skills help him fight crime. I picture David Schwimmer in the title role. Or what about “Black Secret Agent”, about a spy who thrives on his jive-talkin’ basketball-playin’ skillz, starring Clay Aiken? Can’t you just see Clay in blackface, goin’ all street? Hilarious, right? Wait, I’ve got one more. It’s called “Studio Executive Secret Agent”. It’s about an overpaid, out-of-touch exec whose complete lack of insight as to what will appeal to audiences, both gay and straight, helps keep the world safe from intelligent filmmaking and nuanced character development. Let’s pray that this project quickly goes the way of this one.
• Dick Cheney is still saying that Saddam Hussein had connections to al Qaeda. Still. Even as the rest of the world laughs at him. He is either: a) unbelievably stupid; b) banking on the moron vote; c) a mole for the Democrats attempting to make the Bush administration look as bad as possible. The search for the WMDs looks more and more like O.J.’s search for the real killers every day. Keep up the good work, Mr. Vice President.
• A not-quite-so-new sensation: Mark Burnett’s latest brainstorm is a reality show with wannabe rockers auditioning to be the lead singer of an internationally successful pre-existing band. After teasing it for a while, he’s finally unveiled the band the “lucky” winner will get to front… INXS! Um, really. Weren’t they great, like, a long time ago, and then not-so-great for, like, a long, long time after that? Maybe after the show wraps, they can kick off a world tour opening for Swing Out Sister and The Outfield. If you ask me, Michael Hutchence got out at the right time.