If this weren’t the worst day of my life, I’d be so excited I could explode.

Tomorrow, like a zillion cool things are happening right in my very neighborhood. For starters, that new movie that Ray Bradbury’s so upset about is opening. Everyone who’s anyone will be blogging about it on Monday! As if that’s not enough, it turns out the last credibly-elected President of the United States is doing a book signing about a block away from my office — and right around my lunchtime! I haven’t had an opportunity to get this close to Democratic greatness since I saw Michael Dukakis at an Al Gore rally four years ago!

Wait, there’s more! As a publicity stunt for that other movie I can’t wait to see, MGM is holding a scavenger hunt, where the grand prize is a sleepover party for one lucky winner and five friends at the Four Seasons! It all happens tomorrow from 2-5pm, when participants will be lining up to pick up their instructions and a free camera to document their shenanigans at — get this — the MGM building, which is across the street from where I work! Sure, the competition is only open to girls aged 8-16, but if the trailer for “White Chicks” has taught me anything, it’s not to be so hung up on labels. With a little bit of latex and a trip to Hot Topic — voila, I’m Jenny Jo Johnson of Encino! “I’m, like, so excited for Sleepover, I had my Mom drive me all the way here from the Valley! God, like, stop it, Mom (i.e., Drew in a dress), you’re embarrassing me!”

The only problem is that I can’t do any of this, because while it’s all happening, I’ll be across town having my gums ripped open. And after that, I’ll be fumbling around my apartment in a painkiller-soused haze for pretty much the entire weekend, periodically replacing the gauze in my mouth and trying to keep pudding out of the sucking holes where my impacted wisdom teeth used to be. When, oh when, will I learn to schedule my oral surgeries around movie openings, presidential visits and sweepstakeses?

But all isn’t lost. According to the Simpsons, the Chinese use the same word for crisis and as they do for opportunity. And that led me to the perfect solution, which was so obvious all along I can’t believe I didn’t think of it sooner. If I can’t join the party, I’ll make the party come to me. That’s right…


We’ll stay up late, watch Buffy on DVD, talk about boys, and eat gobs and gobs of ice cream — which is about all I can eat! Doesn’t it sound like the best time ever?????

C’mon, guys! You don’t want to do any of that other stuff that all the cool kids’ll be doing. The real fun’s going to be at my place. Who’s in????

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