G.V.H., BABY!

Could I be more excited about the impending matchup between Alien and Predator?

Yes.

I still don’t know whether Freddy beat Jason, and yet I have no lingering fears of either dreamworld or summer camps. Maybe a more appropriate grammatically mangled tag line for AVP would be “Whoever wins… we don’t care.”

I’m all for Hollywood resurrecting titular movie villains of decades past, but for once, could it be characters I actually still give a crap about — characters who haven’t already been beaten into the ground with endless tweaks to their ever-more-shapeless cinematic mythology? (Who knew the aliens and predators were neighbors in the first place? It’s a big universe, people.)

As long as logic isn’t an issue, let’s pit The Graduate against Edward Scissorhands. For lovers of independent film, might I suggest Hedwig vs. Amelie? Or for some triple crossover action, how about Herbie the Love Bug vs. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang in 3 Fast 3 Furious?

The possibilities are endless. Unfortunately, my patience with Photoshop is severely limited. Therefore, if I had to pick just one cinematic showdown to pitch to the powers that be, it would be this…

Foul creatures are on the loose at Westerburg High…

JD offs Miss Pauline Fleming by nuking her in the microwave…

Phoebe Cates tearfully confesses how her father died on Christmas Day from Ich Luge bullets…

Yes, it’s…

Please, people. Corey Feldman needs the work. And I need to see him die in a repressed homosexual suicide pact.