THOUGHTS UPON RUNNING INTO SOMEONE I DIDN’T REALLY WANT TO SEE THIS MORNING AT ED’S COFFEE SHOP

THOUGHTS UPON RUNNING INTO SOMEONE I DIDN’T REALLY WANT TO SEE THIS MORNING AT ED’S COFFEE SHOP

Is that him?

It’s definitely him.

Oh, shit. Does he see me? Can I hide? No, I can’t hide. This place is too small.

I’m going to have to say something to him. What should I say? I can’t think of anything to say.

Man, he looks terrible.

Does he see me? Okay, this is weird, he’s not even looking at me. I mean, he’s like ten feet away from me. Could he really be that oblivious? Or maybe he saw me before I even walked in, and he’s been ignoring me even longer than I’ve been ignoring him?

Prick.

Man, his wife is U-G-L-Y.

How long has it been since I’ve seen him? Three years? Maybe four. Well, it’s been a long time. I can’t believe I haven’t run into him sooner.

Okay, at this point, it’s WAY too late to say anything to him. I guess we’re both just going to continue ignoring each other until he leaves. He’s clearly paid his bill already. What’s taking him so long to leave?

Man, his baby is U-G-L-Y.

Poor kid. Her dad’s a dick.

Their marriage clearly isn’t going to last very long.

Oh, good. They’re finally leaving. Sayonara, asshole! You can quit pretending you don’t see me now.

Well that figures. They’re parked directly out front, so I still have to watch him while he’s getting in his car.

Okay, if he saw me at any point, he’ll definitely glance back before he’s gone. Okay… okay… so why isn’t he looking?

Jesus, how long does it take someone to load one damn kid into a minivan?

THOUGHTS UPON SEEING THE SAME PERSON FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER ON THE THIRD FLOOR OF THE BARNES & NOBLE AT THE GROVE

Oh, shit.

What’s going on here?

Is he following me?

No, don’t be stupid. Why would he follow me just to ignore me?

This is so stupid. Maybe I should just talk to him.

I can’t talk to him! Not after we ignored each other the first time! That would be so awkward.

I seriously can’t believe this. This has to be one of the top ten most random things that’s ever happened.

Yikes, he’s coming this way. Okay, hide. Hide! Duck down that row. Whew! That was close!

Where am I? The humor and games aisle. Is that safe? No, moron! This is right on the way to the children’s section, and that’s obviously where his ugly kid is dragging him. Oh, God. Here he comes. Here he comes! Okay, when I hear his voice get close enough, I’m going to sneak around the back of the aisle out of sight.

Okay… now.

Okay, now when he cuts across toward the children’s section, I’ll escape down the next aisle. But I have to time it just right or he’ll see me, and the only thing worse than running into him is for him to know that I’m trying to avoid him. There’s no way I’m giving him that satisfaction.

What if I did talk to him? Would I have to mention seeing him at Ed’s? No way. I couldn’t. And I couldn’t NOT mention it, because then I’d seem like such a big phony.

Well, wait a second. I know he doesn’t want to see me. How hilarious would it be if I did go up to him now? He’d pretend like he was happy to see me, but I’d know he wasn’t, and he’d know that I knew, and he’d feel like the biggest asshole on Earth, which he is. Ha, ha, ha! Oh, God! That’s perfect! I love it! I’ll finally achieve my revenge through a moment of social awkwardness!

Okay, I’m doing it! I’m going to march right up to him and–

Shit! Here he comes! Move to the next aisle! Hurry! Hurry!

Whew! I made it. I don’t think he saw me at all.

Success!

Prick.

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