WHY I WANTED TO WATCH ALIAS LAST NIGHT

WHY I WANTED TO WATCH ALIAS LAST NIGHT

  1. Peer pressure. Mostly from these peers.

  2. Clever network scheduling placed it after my favorite show and drove home that the two shows were created by the same guy.

  3. I used to work with the guy who played the guy on the train. He’s not really Russian, he’s a word processor! Great acting, Karl!

WHY I DIDN’T WATCH ALIAS LAST NIGHT

  1. I’m still trying to kick whatever horrible infliction has taken hold of my body the last two weeks.

  2. I couldn’t get an appointment with Dr. Sexy, only a phone consult with his assistant, Precious, who faxed my prescription into the Worst Pharmacy in the World, which kept me waiting a full hour as they confirmed information I got on my cell phone in under two minutes.

  3. The real drama was in my apartment building. As Drew and I watched Alias (or, more accurately, as he watched and I dozed off), we were interrupted by loud shouting from our neighbors. They quickly moved the (most likely drug-fueled) action to our building’s courtyard, where they proceeded to beat the shit out of each other while one shouted obscenities and the other screamed “Somebody help me!” while repeatedly throwing himself against our outside window, as if trying to break into our apartment. Our response: Drew dialed 911 while I cringed in the bathroom. After that, Jennifer Garner’s slick, duded-up kickboxing and TV-style suspense just didn’t seem like such escapist fun.

Sorry, I tried. It just wasn’t meant to be.

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