Cry all you want, everyone I know on Facebook. If I’m being honest with you (and I probably won’t be to your face), that Salt Lake City Home Depot gay marriage proposal video you all insist on posting makes me sick.
Oh, don’t get all huffy now. I agree. Hooray for gays publicly displaying their affection in a typically macho store in a typically religious town! It Gets Better! Huzzah!
You know which video I mean. Today it’s this one:
Next week it’ll be some other video in some other town with some other couple, maybe straight, maybe gay but definitely eyerollingly cutesy.
Seriously, I’m done with these wannabe viral flash mob marriage proposals.
And here’s why…
1. I don’t find them romantic. Whatever happened to going out for a nice dinner, pulling out a ring, getting down on one knee and being done with it? Am I supposed to be charmed that you felt the need to make a public spectacle of yourself?
Personally, I’m grateful to have a boyfriend who would slaughter me if I tried anything like this on him, run screaming from the Home Depot, refuse to let me post the video online and probably never speak to me again. I love the guy.
2. You’re raising the bar to places it shouldn’t go. Not everyone has the time, talent or complete lack of shame required to pull something like this off. But thanks to showoffs like these, every lovesick Joe or Jane is going to expect their boyfriend to stage his proposal like a Broadway production number if he has any hope of wooing her. How long till one of these videos ends with the unsuspecting victim staring into their beloved’s sweaty, exhausted face and responding to “Will you marry me?” with “Let’s see how many hits this gets”?
3. I’ve got better things to do. In every stupid video like this, there’s always phalanx of loved ones backing the dude up. And for what? They’re not the ones getting married. But now every time one of my friends falls in love, I’m supposed to go buy a solid color tank top, per your wardrobe demands, then rehearse an elaborate dance routine at, according to the credits, at least two different locations? And you’re making me stand next to Mike? I hate Mike. He’s way too into this, and he has a crush on you, don’t you know that? This is killing him. Geez, now you’ve made me feel sorry for Mike.
How about you come up with a plan that involves you and your boyfriend, and the rest of us will show you how happy we are for you by dancing at your wedding and only at your wedding? I love you guys, but honestly, that’s all I’m signing up for. You want to propose to your boyfriend? Great, good luck with that. Send me a Save the Date card when the time comes.
4. People be shoppin’! I pity those poor customers at Home Depot who just wanted to buy some lumber, only to find the aisle blocked off for a third-rate knockoff of some 80s Paula Abdul video. Couldn’t you have done this in the parking lot, or better yet, your own back yard? As if people don’t hear enough lame excuses from their contractors about why their project was delayed. Now they have to listen to them babble on about some shitty midday rave going on at Home Depot. Yeah, right.
5. Just come on! The song is by Betty Who? Betty Who who? And it’s used with permission? Gee thanks, Betty Whoever-You-Are. That song nobody’s ever heard of is so important to these dudes that they name-check it at the beginning and end of their video. Turns out Betty Who is an up-and-coming Australian pop star who — dammit, I fell for the trap!
C’mon, who’s really behind this video? Didn’t you people learn anything when Jimmy Kimmel came through the door with a fire extinguisher and told us that twerk failer was really a professional stunt woman? Viral videos are as fake as reality TV. The joke’s on you! Soylent Green is made out of people! IT’S PEOPLE!!!!
Notwithstanding the foregoing, my heart goes out to the happy couple. Mazel Tov!