Category Babysitter’s Guide

Dec 7 2011

The Babysitter’s Guide to My Kids — Part 2: Books

The kids and I love to read books.  Reading is by far my favorite thing to do with them, and it’s their fourth favorite thing to do with me, after watching TV, watching DVDs and watching streaming videos on Netflix.

So when they’ve reached their TV quota for the day, why not suggest some reading time?  I’ve listed a few guidelines below to help you appreciate how Sutton, Bennett and I enjoy our kiddie lit.

The Reading Couch.  The leather couch is the reading couch.  The red couch is officially called Daddy’s Resting Couch, but really, it’s become the couch where we watch TV.  You can read on the TV couch, but please don’t watch TV from the reading couch.

Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown, Pictures by Clement Hurd.  This is the last book we read to the kids every night, just as they’re drifting off to sleep.  We’ve done this every day since the day they were born.  It is a beautiful tradition and a signal to the kids that it’s time to close their eyes and rest.  We are all thoroughly sick of this book.

Attention span.  The kids tend to wander in and out while you read.  That’s normal.  If a kid leaves, just keep going, and they’ll usually come back.  If they both wander away at the same time, you can stop.  Reading time is over.

TV Tie-Ins.  When they’re not watching TV, the kids love to read books about their favorite TV characters, like Dora and the Yo Gabba Gabba freaks.  These books are uniformly atrocious.  They pander to parents with positive messages like, “Be nice to monkeys who wear shoes” and “Don’t come down the slide until the last kid is out of the way”, but they are not to be considered educational.  Their narratives are weak, they read as if they’ve been translated poorly from another language and their allegiance to the source material is shaky at best.  Avoid them at all costs, or when reading them, ignore the printed words and make up your own story.  I guarantee yours will be better.

Authors.  When reading a book, always start on the cover page and read the author’s and illustrator’s names.  We credit writers in this house.  The one exception is any credit reading “Adapted from the teleplay by”.  You can skip those.

Elephant and Piggie.  One of our favorite series to read is the Elephant and Piggie series by…?  Who knows it?  That’s right, Sutton.  Mo Willems.  Willems is the Shakespeare of the under-5 set.  His books are delightful, imaginative and fun for kids and grownups alike.  Under no circumstances are you to read any of them to my children.  No one but me can play the role of Piggie.  I am always Piggie.  If there is no Daddy, THERE IS NO PIGGIE.

Snowmen at Christmas by Caralyn Buehner, Illustrations by Mark Buehner.  This is Bennett’s favorite book.  We read it twelve months a year.

Voices.  Doing funny voices is optional, but if you’re going to do it, dammit, commit.

Vocabulary words.  Reading is a great time to teach the kids new words.  The kids know that “The Very Busy Spider” is an arachnid who has a lot to do.  They may even ask you what an unfamiliar word means, in which case you should try to come up with a simple definition they can repeat back to you.  Don’t read Dr. Seuss, or you’ll get too many questions.

Censorship.  At times, you may confuse the kids simply by reading the words exactly as printed on the page.  That’s because their other dad and I have been known to swap out certain controversial words for ones more familiar to our kids.  When an easy substitution can be made, “Mommy” becomes “Grandma”, “A lady” or “the other Daddy”.  When we come across the phrase “thank the Lord” in Madeline, we read “thank goodness”.  If you are particularly religious and offended by this, feel free to make it “Thank their father” and make “father” upper-case in your head.  That way, everyone’s happy.

Interactivity.  We encourage interactivity.  If there’s a flap to be lifted or a sound effect button to be pressed, let the kids do it.  Have them turn the pages for you.  If the book asks a question (i.e., “Can I drive the bus?”), let the kids answer.  (“No!”)

When reading “Pajama Time” by Sandra Boynton, have the kids shout out “It’s pajama time!” at the appropriate times.  Alternatively, read the entire book in the persona of a grizzled old bluesman in N’awlins.  That always goes over well.  (Again, though, commit.)

Challenge them.  If you’re reading Madeline, ask them to identify the Parisian landmarks in the illustrations.  (Bonus points for anyone who responds in French, i.e. “Le Tour Eiffel”.)  It’s not that we plan on taking them to Paris anytime soon, but I’m guessing a lot of preschool admissions offices have paintings of Paris on their wall.  I dream of my kids entering the offices of some snooty institution of lower learning and saying, “Look, Daddy!  It’s the Luxembourg Gardens!”, after which the headmistress will promptly fall off her chair and give us a full scholarship.

Better yet, maybe they’ll correctly identify a Jackson Pollack painting on the wall.  (We won’t tell mean old Mrs. Hodgewinkle that we know it from Olivia.)

Wrapping up.  Have you made it through five minutes of reading?  Congratulations.  You’ve kept the kids entertained with books for the maximum possible time.  Get ready, because they’re about to start asking you if they can watch more TV.

Nov 21 2011

The Babysitter’s Guide to My Kids, Part One

I had to go out of town for a few days, so my Mom is taking care of the kids while I’m gone.  I gave her a quick rundown of my daily responsibilities, but since I left I’ve been thinking of all the things I should’ve told her, the practical advice that would help any temporary caregiver survive a few hours or more in my shoes.

So I’ve decided to start a new blog feature, The Babysitter’s Guide to My Kids.  That way, I’ll have a handy guide for the next time I leave my kids in someone else’s care… and any of my regular readers will be qualified to step in at a moment’s notice.

First up, a guide to the main set for Why Jerry Why the sitcom, our condo building.

Amenities.  See that cement backlot covered in astroturf out our rear window?  That’s where the building’s Jacuzzi used to be before homeless people started using it as a bathtub.  Now, nobody uses it for anything.  If it’s nice out, the kids can play down there.  We’ve even set up a plastic slide and a big water toy that the kids love.  None of our neighbors has complained yet about us squatting in the common area this way.  If you are out there playing and one of them complains, just act like you don’t understand their thick Russian accent.  If they don’t have a thick Russian accent, then pretend like you have one and they’ll go away.

Elevator.  The kids love to push the elevator buttons, especially the “Emergency Only” button.  You will tell them not to do this, but sometimes they’ll get away with it anyway.  They may even team up.  One will distract you while the other pushes the button.  In this case, wait for the emergency operator to pick up, then let her know that Bennett or Sutton hit the button.  You can use their names.  I’m pretty sure they know our kids by now.

Our “backyard”.  On days when it’s too cold or rainy to go outside, we use the hallway like a backyard.  The kids can take their bikes, basketball hoop, shopping cart or whatever else they want and play there.  They love this.

While in the hall, Bennett may try to get you to play Hide and Seek.  There is only one hiding place in the hallway, the tiny alcove around the corner.  But they are still delighted to find you there and will act surprised every time.  Beware: if Bennett asks you to play Hide and Seek, it may be a trick.  If he doesn’t find you within 10 seconds, he’s probably inside jumping on the couch.  This means he never wanted to play Hide and Seek.  He wanted to jump on the couch.

Neighbors.  Our neighbors are all very friendly, and they love our kids.  They are mostly older people who enjoy the carefree sounds of youth.  In fact, when they hear the kids playing in the hall, they’ll often come out of their units to say hello.

The most enthusiastic is Auntie Ruthie.  She likes to poke her head out and feed the kids cookies.  I’m not crazy about them eating cookies between meals, but for Auntie Ruthie, I make an exception, because it makes her happy.  Sometimes the kids will knock on her door and ask for cookies.  If that happens, please make sure the kids stay and talk to Auntie Ruthie for a minute and not just run away once they score the goods.  If they’re going to eat junk food, they at least have to earn it by talking to a nice older lady for a few minutes.

I don’t recommend taking the kids in the hall until after the View is over.  That’s when Auntie Ruthie takes her morning shower.  Before then, you run the risk of seeing Auntie Ruthie in her house dress.

You may also run into Uncle Ivan.  Don’t let Uncle Ivan see the kids with cookies or he’ll get very judgmental about it.  He’ll sometimes give them weird fruits from the Russian market.

Last week, Uncle Ivan asked the kids if they knew their letters.  Again, I was feeling judged, but thankfully, they not only knew what the letters were but what sounds each one makes.  Sometimes, they could even name a word that started with the letter.

I thought Uncle Ivan would be impressed, but instead he shook his head and warned me that they were learning too fast.  He feared that when they got to school they would be bored and probably fail out.

Deliveries.  Approximately 2-14 times a day, we will get some kind of delivery.  Diapers, bulk boxes of baby food, video games from Amazon for Daddy.  To buzz someone in, pick up the phone and press 9.

Note that this system is also helpful if you happen to get locked out of the building.  Just use the intercom in the lobby to call a neighbor.  It doesn’t matter which one.  When they pick up, say the secret code: “UPS delivery!”.  They’ll buzz you in right away.  (Note: After 7PM, the secret code is “Chinese food!”)

Mini Mart.  If you run out of milk or something essential, you may be tempted to use the convenience store next door to our building.  I don’t recommend it.  We’re pretty sure it’s a front for drug dealers and/or the mob.  If you actually check the expiration dates in the store’s refrigerators, you’re likely to find milks from when Charmed was still on the air.

Don’t talk to anyone who’s idling in their car outside the mini mart or pacing back and forth nervously as if they’re waiting for someone to show up.  They’re probably just waiting for the next milk delivery.

Do not use the alley that separates the mini mart from our building and especially do not use the entrance to our building off that alley.  Those areas are frequented by homeless people and spiders, respectively.

We really do have a wonderful building, and the kids love living here.

Whenever possible, though, you’ll probably just want to stay inside.