Pigtails

If it were my kid, I’d buy him the damn sewing machine.

By now, virtually everyone has seen the storyline from this week’s Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry buys a screamingly gay kid (played by a hilarious Eddie Schweighardt) a gift he thinks a gay kid would enjoy, and the kid’s in-denial mom freaks out.  If you haven’t seen it, you can watch it here:

This episode put me, and I’m guessing a lot of people, in a very awkward position – that of agreeing with Larry David for probably the first time ever.

Sure, the kid’s only 7 years old, so technically, he’s not anything-sexual yet, let alone homosexual.  But that’s not the point.  The kid wanted a sewing machine, so what kind of heartless parent would take it away from him?  I’m hoping in 2011, only a fictional mom would be so cold.  (The storyline did seem a little dated, at least when it comes to Manhattan moms.)

My kids are only 2, and I wouldn’t begin to speculate on who they’ll want to marry, date or live platonically with someday.  They’ll work out those issues for themselves during their painful adolescences, no doubt.  Good luck, kids!  Let me know if you have any questions!

In the meantime, they can play with whatever the hell they want.  We’re in kind of a unique position, having boy-girl twins.  We don’t have “girl toys” or “boy toys”, just toys.  Sometimes, Sutton likes to roll the trucks around, and sometimes, Bennett plays with the dolls.  I don’t mind, and I don’t read anything into it.

I know the world will tell them soon enough what it thinks boys and girls should and shouldn’t do, but our kids are not going to get any judgment from their dads.

Yes, their dads.  That’s the tricky part.  Our home is a mom-free zone, so if our little girl really wants to explore her feminine side, she’s kind of screwed.  It’s not that we wouldn’t support it.  It’s just that Drew and I are kind of clueless about that stuff.

For my money, there’s nothing cuter than a little girl in pigtails.  But you might as well ask me to splice an atom as to put them in.  I mean, I wouldn’t even know what equipment I’d need to start.  We’ve had a number of attempts at pigtails, but they always end up in screams, tears and, eventually, a pathetic asymmetry.  My daughter deserves better.

I’m not even sure where a barrette is supposed to go or why the hairbands always look so weird when they come down across her forehead, Olivia Newton-John style.  Isn’t that where they go?

One thing we can pretty much guarantee, though… if Sutton gets some fancy thing in her hair, Bennett’s going to want one, too.  And seriously, could you say no to this?

Thankfully, Drew got a tip from another gay dad he knows, a guy with twin daughters of his own who had no idea at first how to pretty them up.

“It’s all on YouTube,” he explained.  “Girls teach you how to do their hair.  That’s how we learned.”