“Mommy Who?” – If My Life Were a Sitcom

Not too long ago, there was a tiny bit of interest in turning my family’s story into a TV show.  I never pursued it very far, preferring to focus instead on finishing my memoir.

But as this fall season kicks in and the ads for new shows are everywhere, it’s hard not to wonder what it would be like if my life were among them, another cookie-cutter sitcom with a goosed-up laugh track.

I wrote this first as a series of tweets, each meant to be a quick blast of elbow-in-the-gut comedy suitable for a 30-second TV ad.  Taken together, they tell a sort of complete, very contrived story of the sitcom pilot someone might adapt from my life.

For the record, the blood pressure is real… but I’m still too stubborn to hire a nanny.

And speaking of Twitter, now’s a great time to FOLLOW ME.



Drew gets ready to leave for work in the morning.  The kids run around and play.  Jerry’s still in his pajamas.

Drew: “Can you believe we have two kids?”

Jerry: “I still can’t believe it’s not butter!”

[Cue: Big laughs]



Jerry plays with the twins in the sandbox.  A confused 5-year-old girl approaches.

Snotty Girl: Where’s your kids’ Mommy?

Jerry: She’s having lunch with the Tooth Fairy, Sweetie. Go climb a slide.

[Cue: Big laughs, applause]



Jerry pulls the kids away in their Radio Flyer wagon, waving goodbye to all the nannies.

Jerry: Adios, Rosa!  Adios, Rosanna!  Adios, Rosita!

Nannies (waving eagerly): Adios, Jerry!

Jerry (winking toward the kids): Chicks dig me.

[Cue: Big laughs, applause]



Jerry’s on the phone.  Bennett tugs at his leg.

Bennett: “Me want cookie!”

Jerry: “Yeah, well me want Anderson Cooper to come out already!”

[Cue: Laughter mixed with “OOOOOOH”s and one muffled “Oh no you di’i’n’t!”]



Jerry sits on an exam table, blood pressure cuff dangling from his arm.  Doctor looks stunned.

Doctor: “How did your blood pressure suddenly get so high?”

Jerry: “You’ve heard of the terrible twos?  I’ve got 4 of ’em!”

Jerry holds up his iPhone wallpaper of his 2-year-old twins.

[Cue: Explosions of laughter.]



Doctor: If your blood pressure was an SAT score, your heart could get into Harvard.

Jerry: Great, so now I have to pay for three educations?

[Cue: Explosions of laughter.]



Doctor: “I can’t let you walk out of my office with blood pressure that high.”

Jerry: “Can I saunter out?”

[Cue: Appreciative chuckle, one guy bellylaughs.]



Drew comes home from work to find Jerry passed out on the couch.  The kids draw on his face with crayons, laughing.

Drew: “That settles it.  We’re bringing in help.”

Jerry: “I’m not hiring a nanny!  The only one who’s going to neglect my kids is ME!”

[Bump into: promo for The Playboy Club]



Jerry eats mac & cheese from a teddy bear-shaped bowl with his friend Nick, while the kids run around screaming like maniacs in the background.

Nick: “What’s the big deal?  Just get a nanny.”

Jerry: “Great, then it looks like the gays caved in and hired a nanny to do what they couldn’t.  Two men can raise a kid without a woman’s help, thank you very much!”

Nick: “If that’s your issue, then get a manny.”

Jerry: “Pfft, male caregivers!”

[Cue: Explosions of laughter.]



Jerry answers the door for a nervous Latina lady.

Cecilia: “You… interview me… job?”

Jerry: “Oh, I’m not interviewing you. They are!”

Camera whips around to reveal Rosa, Rosanna & Rosita sitting on the couch, arms crossed, judgingly.


Jerry and Drew watch, baffled, as the nannies relentlessly berate Cecilia in Spanish.  She’s about to cry.

Jerry: “This is going well!”

[Cue: Applause]



Jerry shows off the kids’ room to their surrogate, Tiffany (Jennie Garth).

Jerry: “Kids, you remember your surrogate, right?  Aunt Tiffany?”

Tiffany: “I love what you’ve done with their room.”

Jerry: “Well, it’s not your uterus, but they seem to like it.”

[Cue: Shocked laughter – did they just go there?!?]



Tiffany: “Y’know, my mom would make a great nanny.”

Jerry: “Doesn’t your mom hate gays?”

Tiffany: “Well, yes, but she loves kids.”

[Cue: Laughs and applause]



Tiffany ushers in her mom, Bev (Doris Roberts), who has a disgusted look on her face.

Bev: “So which one of you do they call Mommy?”

Jerry: “Get out of our house, you shrew!”

Bev: “Must be you, huh? Meow!”

[Cue: Gasps, mixed with laughter]



Bennett picks up a doll lying on the ground.

Bev (to Bennett): “Put that down.  Dolls are for girls.  And your daddies.”

[Cue: Laughs]


Jerry: “Actually, we’re raising our children to be color and gender blind.”

Bev: “Well, excuse me, Martin Luther Queen!”

[Cue: African-American ladies laughing and applauding even louder than the rest of the crowd]



Jerry introduces Bev to the nannies at the park.

Jerry: “This is our new nanny, Bev.”

Rosa, Rosanna and Rosita simultaneously bow their heads and cross themselves.

Rosa (to the others): “Es el Diablo!”

All three nod, fearful.

[Cue: Moderate laughs; that one guy busts a gut again and repeats “Diablo!”]



Jerry enters, his every muscle aching.  Physical comedy ensues.  He throws a yoga mat in anger.  It lands six inches away from him.

Jerry: “Grrr!  I hate yoga!!!  So what did you guys do while I was relaxing?”

Sutton: “I went poop in the potty!”

Jerry: “No way!”

Bev (holding potty): “Take a whiff!”

[Cue: “Whoa!!!!!”  Cheers]



Drew consoles an enraged Jerry as Bev gathers her things to leave for the day.

Drew: “Remember, she’s here to keep you from having a heart attack.”

Just as Jerry calms down, Sutton runs up to Bev.

Sutton (to Bev): “I love you, Mommy!”

Jerry: “Oh, my heart!”

Jerry falls out of frame, clutching his chest.

[Cue: Laughter apocalypse, cheers]



Jerry and Drew lie in bed, nightlights on.

Jerry: “She’s rude, she’s pushy, she voted for Prop 8! She’s everything I despise!”

Drew: “Yes, but she did potty train our kids.”

[Cue: Laughs, African-American ladies saying, “Mmm-hmm!”]

Drew sighs: “Is anybody on Earth as lucky as us?”

Jerry: “Yeah.  Kim Kardashian and Leona Helmsley’s dog.”

Click.  Jerry shuts off the light.  Darkness.

Drew: “Wanna snuggle?”

Jerry: “Ow.  Yoga.”

[Cue: Wild applause, acceptance]