Welcome, Thank You and Please

English: Chain

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It’s always nice to see my hit count spike when I post something people connect with.  So, first of all, welcome to all the new visitors who’ve been coming to this blog.  I hope you’ll stay and check out some of my other stuff.  The best place to start is on one of the pages linked above — Best O’Blog (for my favorite posts from this blog) or Other Writing (for pieces published on other sites).  You might also want to check out the About Me page for some background about the site and me in particular.

Because so many new people have been coming, I owe a big thank you to my regular visitors, who have obviously been kicking some serious tushie (that’s right – “tushie” – it’s a family blog) getting the word out.  I don’t always see who’s sharing my posts on Twitter and Facebook or I’d thank you all individually (and if we’re not FB friends, I probably didn’t see your share at all).  However, I do see how many people are sharing, and it’s more than just the friends I’m quietly bribing to link me, so I know some of you are doing it because you actually like my posts.  Wow.

That being said, to the rest of you, I ask you to please join in and help spread the word.  If you see something here that you find interesting/funny/informative/infuriating, please click the links at the end of each post that let you share the post easily on Facebook and Twitter.  If you’re on Digg, Reddit StumbleUpon or some other site so hip I haven’t even heard of it yet, then link me there, too.  (Reddit has been particularly kind to me lately.)  Link me on your own blog, if you have one.  Send out an email to your friends who you think might appreciate this blog.  Most of my readers have found me through referrals from their social networks, so I really rely on that word of mouth to help my readership grow.

Please also like me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter and subscribe to the blog by providing your email in the right column where it says “Follow Blog Via Email”.  (You’ll only get emails about new blog posts, no spam.)

And most of all, comment!  I love hearing from readers, especially if they have nice things to say (but even sometimes if they don’t), and it helps me understand what people like and dislike about the posts so I can figure out what kind of content works best here.

Sorry for the hard sell.  I promise not to do this too often, but as I’ve said before, I’m trying to get my memoir published, and the more hits and subscribers I get, the more interested publishers become.  I don’t advertise on the site, and I don’t make any money from it, so when people help me bring in more readers, that’s all the payment I ask for.

I’ll be back soon with another regular post… and eventually, that redesign I’ve been teasing.

Thanks again for reading!

The Babysitter’s Guide to My Kids, Part One

I had to go out of town for a few days, so my Mom is taking care of the kids while I’m gone.  I gave her a quick rundown of my daily responsibilities, but since I left I’ve been thinking of all the things I should’ve told her, the practical advice that would help any temporary caregiver survive a few hours or more in my shoes.

So I’ve decided to start a new blog feature, The Babysitter’s Guide to My Kids.  That way, I’ll have a handy guide for the next time I leave my kids in someone else’s care… and any of my regular readers will be qualified to step in at a moment’s notice.

First up, a guide to the main set for Why Jerry Why the sitcom, our condo building.

Amenities.  See that cement backlot covered in astroturf out our rear window?  That’s where the building’s Jacuzzi used to be before homeless people started using it as a bathtub.  Now, nobody uses it for anything.  If it’s nice out, the kids can play down there.  We’ve even set up a plastic slide and a big water toy that the kids love.  None of our neighbors has complained yet about us squatting in the common area this way.  If you are out there playing and one of them complains, just act like you don’t understand their thick Russian accent.  If they don’t have a thick Russian accent, then pretend like you have one and they’ll go away.

Elevator.  The kids love to push the elevator buttons, especially the “Emergency Only” button.  You will tell them not to do this, but sometimes they’ll get away with it anyway.  They may even team up.  One will distract you while the other pushes the button.  In this case, wait for the emergency operator to pick up, then let her know that Bennett or Sutton hit the button.  You can use their names.  I’m pretty sure they know our kids by now.

Our “backyard”.  On days when it’s too cold or rainy to go outside, we use the hallway like a backyard.  The kids can take their bikes, basketball hoop, shopping cart or whatever else they want and play there.  They love this.

While in the hall, Bennett may try to get you to play Hide and Seek.  There is only one hiding place in the hallway, the tiny alcove around the corner.  But they are still delighted to find you there and will act surprised every time.  Beware: if Bennett asks you to play Hide and Seek, it may be a trick.  If he doesn’t find you within 10 seconds, he’s probably inside jumping on the couch.  This means he never wanted to play Hide and Seek.  He wanted to jump on the couch.

Neighbors.  Our neighbors are all very friendly, and they love our kids.  They are mostly older people who enjoy the carefree sounds of youth.  In fact, when they hear the kids playing in the hall, they’ll often come out of their units to say hello.

The most enthusiastic is Auntie Ruthie.  She likes to poke her head out and feed the kids cookies.  I’m not crazy about them eating cookies between meals, but for Auntie Ruthie, I make an exception, because it makes her happy.  Sometimes the kids will knock on her door and ask for cookies.  If that happens, please make sure the kids stay and talk to Auntie Ruthie for a minute and not just run away once they score the goods.  If they’re going to eat junk food, they at least have to earn it by talking to a nice older lady for a few minutes.

I don’t recommend taking the kids in the hall until after the View is over.  That’s when Auntie Ruthie takes her morning shower.  Before then, you run the risk of seeing Auntie Ruthie in her house dress.

You may also run into Uncle Ivan.  Don’t let Uncle Ivan see the kids with cookies or he’ll get very judgmental about it.  He’ll sometimes give them weird fruits from the Russian market.

Last week, Uncle Ivan asked the kids if they knew their letters.  Again, I was feeling judged, but thankfully, they not only knew what the letters were but what sounds each one makes.  Sometimes, they could even name a word that started with the letter.

I thought Uncle Ivan would be impressed, but instead he shook his head and warned me that they were learning too fast.  He feared that when they got to school they would be bored and probably fail out.

Deliveries.  Approximately 2-14 times a day, we will get some kind of delivery.  Diapers, bulk boxes of baby food, video games from Amazon for Daddy.  To buzz someone in, pick up the phone and press 9.

Note that this system is also helpful if you happen to get locked out of the building.  Just use the intercom in the lobby to call a neighbor.  It doesn’t matter which one.  When they pick up, say the secret code: “UPS delivery!”.  They’ll buzz you in right away.  (Note: After 7PM, the secret code is “Chinese food!”)

Mini Mart.  If you run out of milk or something essential, you may be tempted to use the convenience store next door to our building.  I don’t recommend it.  We’re pretty sure it’s a front for drug dealers and/or the mob.  If you actually check the expiration dates in the store’s refrigerators, you’re likely to find milks from when Charmed was still on the air.

Don’t talk to anyone who’s idling in their car outside the mini mart or pacing back and forth nervously as if they’re waiting for someone to show up.  They’re probably just waiting for the next milk delivery.

Do not use the alley that separates the mini mart from our building and especially do not use the entrance to our building off that alley.  Those areas are frequented by homeless people and spiders, respectively.

We really do have a wonderful building, and the kids love living here.

Whenever possible, though, you’ll probably just want to stay inside.

12 Most Common Misconceptions About Raising Twins

I have a guest post up today on the site 12 Most.  It’s about the most common false impressions people have about raising twins.  Most of all, people give me far too much credit.  Check it out!



Where Do New Readers Come From? (AfterElton)

I want to thank AfterElton for their shout out today – and thanks to everyone who clicked over from there to check this site out.  It’s been a blast to watch those site stats ballooning all morning, and I hope you’ll all keep coming back.

For you newbies, here’s a quick overview of what Where Do Gaybies Come From is all about.  I’m a happily partnered (unmarried — f*** you, Prop 8 ) gay dad to the world’s most awesome 2-year-old twins.  My boyfriend and I had them with the help of a surrogate and an egg donor (his sister).  We have a unique and wonderful family, and I feel like the luckiest guy in the world.

I write about our lives, about the crazy series of events that enabled us to become dads, about being gay, plus general parenthood issues and the world of a stay-at-home dad, with special attention paid to the fun and funny stuff.

If you like what you see, please leave a comment, share me on Facebook, bookmark me, add me to your reader, subscribe to this blog in the sidebar and/or follow me on Twitter.


“Mommy Who?” – If My Life Were a Sitcom

Not too long ago, there was a tiny bit of interest in turning my family’s story into a TV show.  I never pursued it very far, preferring to focus instead on finishing my memoir.

But as this fall season kicks in and the ads for new shows are everywhere, it’s hard not to wonder what it would be like if my life were among them, another cookie-cutter sitcom with a goosed-up laugh track.

I wrote this first as a series of tweets, each meant to be a quick blast of elbow-in-the-gut comedy suitable for a 30-second TV ad.  Taken together, they tell a sort of complete, very contrived story of the sitcom pilot someone might adapt from my life.

For the record, the blood pressure is real… but I’m still too stubborn to hire a nanny.

And speaking of Twitter, now’s a great time to FOLLOW ME.



Drew gets ready to leave for work in the morning.  The kids run around and play.  Jerry’s still in his pajamas.

Drew: “Can you believe we have two kids?”

Jerry: “I still can’t believe it’s not butter!”

[Cue: Big laughs]



Jerry plays with the twins in the sandbox.  A confused 5-year-old girl approaches.

Snotty Girl: Where’s your kids’ Mommy?

Jerry: She’s having lunch with the Tooth Fairy, Sweetie. Go climb a slide.

[Cue: Big laughs, applause]



Jerry pulls the kids away in their Radio Flyer wagon, waving goodbye to all the nannies.

Jerry: Adios, Rosa!  Adios, Rosanna!  Adios, Rosita!

Nannies (waving eagerly): Adios, Jerry!

Jerry (winking toward the kids): Chicks dig me.

[Cue: Big laughs, applause]



Jerry’s on the phone.  Bennett tugs at his leg.

Bennett: “Me want cookie!”

Jerry: “Yeah, well me want Anderson Cooper to come out already!”

[Cue: Laughter mixed with “OOOOOOH”s and one muffled “Oh no you di’i’n’t!”]



Jerry sits on an exam table, blood pressure cuff dangling from his arm.  Doctor looks stunned.

Doctor: “How did your blood pressure suddenly get so high?”

Jerry: “You’ve heard of the terrible twos?  I’ve got 4 of ’em!”

Jerry holds up his iPhone wallpaper of his 2-year-old twins.

[Cue: Explosions of laughter.]



Doctor: If your blood pressure was an SAT score, your heart could get into Harvard.

Jerry: Great, so now I have to pay for three educations?

[Cue: Explosions of laughter.]



Doctor: “I can’t let you walk out of my office with blood pressure that high.”

Jerry: “Can I saunter out?”

[Cue: Appreciative chuckle, one guy bellylaughs.]



Drew comes home from work to find Jerry passed out on the couch.  The kids draw on his face with crayons, laughing.

Drew: “That settles it.  We’re bringing in help.”

Jerry: “I’m not hiring a nanny!  The only one who’s going to neglect my kids is ME!”

[Bump into: promo for The Playboy Club]



Jerry eats mac & cheese from a teddy bear-shaped bowl with his friend Nick, while the kids run around screaming like maniacs in the background.

Nick: “What’s the big deal?  Just get a nanny.”

Jerry: “Great, then it looks like the gays caved in and hired a nanny to do what they couldn’t.  Two men can raise a kid without a woman’s help, thank you very much!”

Nick: “If that’s your issue, then get a manny.”

Jerry: “Pfft, male caregivers!”

[Cue: Explosions of laughter.]



Jerry answers the door for a nervous Latina lady.

Cecilia: “You… interview me… job?”

Jerry: “Oh, I’m not interviewing you. They are!”

Camera whips around to reveal Rosa, Rosanna & Rosita sitting on the couch, arms crossed, judgingly.


Jerry and Drew watch, baffled, as the nannies relentlessly berate Cecilia in Spanish.  She’s about to cry.

Jerry: “This is going well!”

[Cue: Applause]



Jerry shows off the kids’ room to their surrogate, Tiffany (Jennie Garth).

Jerry: “Kids, you remember your surrogate, right?  Aunt Tiffany?”

Tiffany: “I love what you’ve done with their room.”

Jerry: “Well, it’s not your uterus, but they seem to like it.”

[Cue: Shocked laughter – did they just go there?!?]



Tiffany: “Y’know, my mom would make a great nanny.”

Jerry: “Doesn’t your mom hate gays?”

Tiffany: “Well, yes, but she loves kids.”

[Cue: Laughs and applause]



Tiffany ushers in her mom, Bev (Doris Roberts), who has a disgusted look on her face.

Bev: “So which one of you do they call Mommy?”

Jerry: “Get out of our house, you shrew!”

Bev: “Must be you, huh? Meow!”

[Cue: Gasps, mixed with laughter]



Bennett picks up a doll lying on the ground.

Bev (to Bennett): “Put that down.  Dolls are for girls.  And your daddies.”

[Cue: Laughs]


Jerry: “Actually, we’re raising our children to be color and gender blind.”

Bev: “Well, excuse me, Martin Luther Queen!”

[Cue: African-American ladies laughing and applauding even louder than the rest of the crowd]



Jerry introduces Bev to the nannies at the park.

Jerry: “This is our new nanny, Bev.”

Rosa, Rosanna and Rosita simultaneously bow their heads and cross themselves.

Rosa (to the others): “Es el Diablo!”

All three nod, fearful.

[Cue: Moderate laughs; that one guy busts a gut again and repeats “Diablo!”]



Jerry enters, his every muscle aching.  Physical comedy ensues.  He throws a yoga mat in anger.  It lands six inches away from him.

Jerry: “Grrr!  I hate yoga!!!  So what did you guys do while I was relaxing?”

Sutton: “I went poop in the potty!”

Jerry: “No way!”

Bev (holding potty): “Take a whiff!”

[Cue: “Whoa!!!!!”  Cheers]



Drew consoles an enraged Jerry as Bev gathers her things to leave for the day.

Drew: “Remember, she’s here to keep you from having a heart attack.”

Just as Jerry calms down, Sutton runs up to Bev.

Sutton (to Bev): “I love you, Mommy!”

Jerry: “Oh, my heart!”

Jerry falls out of frame, clutching his chest.

[Cue: Laughter apocalypse, cheers]



Jerry and Drew lie in bed, nightlights on.

Jerry: “She’s rude, she’s pushy, she voted for Prop 8! She’s everything I despise!”

Drew: “Yes, but she did potty train our kids.”

[Cue: Laughs, African-American ladies saying, “Mmm-hmm!”]

Drew sighs: “Is anybody on Earth as lucky as us?”

Jerry: “Yeah.  Kim Kardashian and Leona Helmsley’s dog.”

Click.  Jerry shuts off the light.  Darkness.

Drew: “Wanna snuggle?”

Jerry: “Ow.  Yoga.”

[Cue: Wild applause, acceptance]