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Imagine you’re at the train station, taking your kids into the city to see the Lion King. A man steps off the train, and two toddlers run up to him shouting, “Daddy! Daddy!” He gives out two hugs and about a thousand kisses and tells them how much he missed them while he was at work. You’ve witnessed scenes like this many times, but as always, your heart melts. Then the dad stands up, walks a little further down the platform and kisses… another man.
Well, that’s different.
“How was your day?” the first guy asks, and the other one starts talking about who got time outs, why the kids have maple syrup in their hair and who flushed what down the toilet right before they left.
OK, back to normal.
You’ve probably done the math by now — Look! Gay dads! — but there’s a decent chance you’ll feel a tug on your leg, and your kid will look up at you and ask, “Yo, what’s the deal there?”
This is the story of my life. I am a gay dad, and I confuse children.
I’m sure it happens more than I realize – at the supermarket, at the park, at preschool. Just by acting like any other parents, my partner Drew and I are inadvertently sparking countless conversations that start with, “Where’s their Mommy?”
You’re free to handle that question however you want, of course. But if you don’t know where to begin, allow me to help.
You see, when Drew and I decided to have kids, we knew that the gay dad job description would include explaining our family to the world for the rest of our lives. That’s one of the reasons I started my blog.
It’s also why I am kindly providing you, the sympathetic straight parent, with some guidelines. (Unsympathetic straight parents are free to ignore my suggestions, in which case, I’ll enjoy watching them squirm.) Obviously, what you say will depend on how old your kids are and how much exposure they’ve had to gay people previously, but in a broader sense, these suggestions should apply to anyone.
I’m not a child psychologist, just a gay dad who’s thought a lot about the issue and who has a big stake in it. After all, I don’t want your kids coming up to my kids one day and telling them they’re weird for not having a mommy.
If you don’t want that either, here are a few things to keep in mind:
1. Use the word “gay”.
Everyone’s concentrating on taking the negative connotation away from the word “gay”, but at the same time, let’s not forget to encourage the positive. We don’t want “gay” to be a curse, so go ahead and teach it to your kids. That’s how we’ll really take the sting out of the word.
“Oh, Uncle Doug and Uncle Max? They’re gay.” “Aunt Vera and Aunt Debbie aren’t sisters, honey. They’re lesbians.” “Well, statistics suggest at least 3 of the Smurfs must be gay.” Don’t make a big deal about it. Just say it. If your kids hear some jerk at school sneering, “That’s so gay!”, their response will be, “Yeah? So what? So are Uncle Max, Aunt Vera and, most likely, Brainy.”
2. You don’t have to pretend half the world is gay.
Don’t play down the fact that your kids may have witnessed something unfamiliar. “Geez, Madison. They have two daddies, what’s the biggie?” It’s natural for poor little Madison to be confused, so give her a damn break.
Kids are probably going to assume all families have one mommy and one daddy, because that’s all most of them see. You can be honest. Use words like “most” and “some”. “Most families have a mommy and a daddy… but some have two mommies or two daddies.” As long as you don’t attach a value judgment to that statement, it really is no biggie. (The same goes when explaining single parent families, divorced families or anything else your child might be witnessing for the first time.)
Some kids might say something like, “That’s weird”, or they’ll think you’re playing a joke on them. That should just be a reminder of why you’re having this conversation. Get to your kid before ignorance does. If you’re honest with them, they’ll get it. Explain that gay families are less common than the usual mommy/daddy family, but they’re every bit as valid. “It’s not weird, it’s just different than our family.”
3. Get your mind out of the gutter.
It seems silly that I even have to say this, but when some people think about homosexuality and kids, they imagine that you’re suggesting they graphically describe intercourse to kindergarteners. Um, no. All you should be doing is answering the questions they’re asking, and save the rest for junior high health class. If they wonder why Owen has two daddies, it’s because “His daddies are in love”… or because “Some men love other men.” Hopefully, you’ve taught your kids to understand what love is, so no further explanation should be required.
And do use the word “love”. That’s what we’re talking about here. You don’t need to say “attracted to” or “some boys like boys”. “Like” is how they feel about each other. A kid might think, “Well, I like boys. I guess I’m gay.” Compare it to your own relationship (assuming you have a good relationship). “You know the way Mommy and I love each other? That’s how their daddies (or mommies) feel about each other.” And if your kid says, “Yuck!” it’s probably because they feel the same way about when you and your spouse get all schmoopy-doopy with each other. That’s progress.
4. Don’t make it about your kid — yet.
Understanding gay parents is a big enough topic of discussion, and your kid probably won’t be prompted to wonder about their own sexuality at this point. You don’t need to say, “You might marry a man someday yourself, Junior!” While it’s great to plant the seeds of acceptance early, you’ll probably just end up confusing them more. Your kids have plenty of time to figure their own feelings out, and when the time comes, make sure you let them know that you love them no matter what. But no, they can’t marry Brainy Smurf.
5. If your kid does ask you to speculate, you can tell them they’ll “probably” be straight.
Again, only if your kid expresses some curiosity should you even broach the subject. But if they’re wondering, “Who will I marry someday?”, feel free to tell them, “You’ll probably marry someone of the opposite sex, but I’ll accept you either way.” Of course, if you’re like the mom from the amazing blog Raising My Rainbow, your “probably” might lean the other way. Just take your cues from your kid.
6. Remember the magic phrase, “Love is what makes a family.”
It’s possible your kids will ask something like, “But doesn’t everyone need a mommy?” Even kids who don’t know exactly where babies come from understand that women are the ones who get pregnant and give birth. When that’s all you know, then two daddies just don’t add up.
Again, don’t go into any more detail than you need to. Remind your kid that while it’s a woman who gives birth to a baby, your Mommy(-ies) and/or Daddy(-ies) are the one(s) who raise you. It’s no different than how you’d explain adoption by a straight couple. “The Strattons flew to Beijing and brought little Daisy home. Now they’re her Mommy and Daddy.”
What kids want to know is that the little boy or girl they see whose family looks different is still being well taken care of. Assure your children that the kids are in good hands, because love is what makes a family, and those parents love their kids as much as you love yours.
7. Most importantly, just talk to your kids.
Your kids are bound to see a gay family sooner or later, even if it’s just Mitchell & Cameron on Modern Family. So if they come to you with questions, it’s really important that you don’t get weird about it. Don’t change the subject, don’t tell them they’re too young to understand and definitely don’t lie and say that the mommy is home doing dishes or off fighting in Afghanistan. Otherwise the message you’re sending is that there’s a reason to be uncomfortable around gay families. The same goes for all kinds of families, whether they have two moms, two dads, a single mom, a single dad, foster parents or if they’re being raised by wolves – just explain that that’s a different kind of family and gee, isn’t it nice that everyone’s a little different.
… which leads me to a big secret.
You see, there is a gay agenda. It’s true.
What most people don’t realize is that the gay agenda isn’t “everybody should be gay”. It’s “everybody should be themselves.”
Be a nerd, be a Yanni fan, be a real housewife of your particular geographic region. Whatever. It’s all part of the same cause, and it’s a great message to teach your kids.
I shouldn’t have to say this in the 21st Century, but for anyone who’s still wondering, NO, I don’t want to make your kids gay. I just want to live my life with a sense of mutual respect for everyone else on this planet. If you want the same thing, then let your kids learn by your example. Show them that nontraditional families are nothing to be afraid of.
Teaching your kids to be accepting of gay people and gay families is a great way to teach them acceptance in a broader sense – and to teach them the ultimate lesson: to be accepting of themselves.
I know some people think differently, but that’s what I call family values.
Jerry, as usual, it is a pleasure and an honor to follow your blog.
When my oldest son was six, I sat him down and explained that the important thing about couples and families is that they love and respect each other, and that it doesn’t matter if it’s a man and woman, two women, two men, people of different races and ethnicities… Shortly after that his baby brother was diagnosed with Autism and we realized that acceptance is in short supply in this world. Our oldest has grown up feeling that the only thing that should be looked at as “shocking and out of place” is hatred for others…
I love that you are advocating speaking to children as if they understand everything we say to them because, in fact, they do; prejudice doesn’t come in until we introduce it, and they pick their cues up from what we say. I’ve never regretted being honest with my son and, I had to admit, he has turned out to be an awesome human being.
Keep it up! You guys have a very beautiful, very lovely family and I always wish you the best.
Thanks, Lola. It really makes me happy to hear about people talking to their kids like you did and getting the response you got. Your kids are very lucky, and it’s no surprise your son has turned out so awesome! xo
This was very helpful….I have 3 young boys and this topic just came from my 5 year old. I had to google for help and this is where I found it. Thank you.
I love, love, love this post and I’m not even gay! Not only is it seriously funny and well-written, but your message gives me goosebumps (without beating me over the head). I’d like you to consider letting me reblog this (well, now that WordPress has added a reblog button, I guess I don’t really have to ask, but I’m a polite person, so there). I post every Monday and Thursday, and would love to “guestpost” this when I’m on vacation and you’re not. OK, I’m gonna stop now so that you don’t think I’m a super-creepy blog stalker.
Stacie, your politeness goes above and beyond. No, you didn’t have to ask and yes, you are welcome to. (Just make sure you link back, of course!) Thanks for stalking!
Will do…next vacation is in March, or sooner if I can sneak out of the house.
So great Jerry! The first time my kids were going to meet Bennet and Sutton I was waiting for the “whos the mommy” question. It never came and still hasn’t. You are Uncle Jerry and Uncle Drew parents of Bennet and Sutton a happy family who all loves each other no question required I guess:)
How funny. I don’t think Kathy’s kids have really asked either. Maybe I’m not confusing as many kids as I thought.
I love this! What a public service to parents who want to raise their kids with openness and understanding but haven’t really thought through how exactly (like me). And any time I can see your cartoons, it’s a good day!
Thanks, Amy!
Your blog is, by far, one of my very favorites. I’m going to share this post with everyone I know. Because NO ONE can tell this story better.
And you are by far one of my favorite commenters.
Thanks!
Lovely blog, I followed it from reddit and will definitely be back. We´re a straight couple with kids and our eldest, 7 yrs, has just started asking questions and I´m proud to say I handled it mostly as per your suggestions.
Great to hear! Thanks for reading, and please do come back!
Great post, Jerry. Wonderful suggestions, and as always, written beautifully and with humor.
Thanks, Julie!
I like the guy with a crew cut and mustache the best (drawing-wise)
I worked extra hard on that one. Thanks for noticing.
I have to agree with the other comments, this is another wonder- and insightful post. Reading about your family and the love you all have for one another, I cannot help but wonder why there are people out there who are hateful of others just because their personal lives differ from their own. Respect and love, common sense and decency, these are things that are important, not skin colour or sexual orientation – things that harm no-one and can’t be changed anyway.
In any case I’ll make sure, when the day comes, to talk to our little monster the way you described it – as if it was nothing super special, let alone weird just because it’s different. As you say, different is what makes the world interesting.
Thanks, Sandra. I’m so grateful for parents like you who teach their kids respect and tolerance. As I’ve said before, everyone we’ve met has been really nice and supportive so far. The resistance we expected to face as gay parents just hasn’t reared its ugly head, which is a surprise and a relief. Maybe times really are changing.
I linked back to this on my Facebook. It is extremely well written, and the way you tell people to break it down for their kids is perfect. Our son grew up around our friends who were gay, and watched it on TV (Hurray, Buffy the Vampire Slayer re-runs) and we just explained it as it came up. Our daughter has a friend who has a Mommy A, and Mommy Becky, and Daddy K. Nothing wrong with that, and she sees it as perfectly normal.
I hope everyone can handle it as easily, and that they continue to see what an awesome parent you are! I can tell just by reading the posts that you and your hubby do a great job–kids are high maintenance but totally worthwhile.
Thanks for posting this–is it OK if I link back to it on my WordPress blog? I keep that separate from my FB since it is semi-anonymous.
Thanks, thanks and yes! Link away! And I second your hooray of Buffy – what an amazing show. (I happen to know one of the writers, who is of course a genius and an amazing guy.)
I love your writing; you always make your point with such grace and humor. I wish I had that kind of style and tact. On another note, reading about the things you and Drew dow with the family, I have to say your kids are lucky to have such a cool set of dads. Adopt me.
Well, if we did have another kid, we probably would adopt. Can I ask if you’re toilet trained yet, because that would be a point in your favor.
I would stop my kid from saying it was weird, which has an alienating tone, I would not frown upon them saying it’s “unusual”… because technically, it’s not the usual, which means… wait for it… it’s unusual. It’s also technically “strange” meaning it’s usual in a way that is hard to understand and might be a little unsettling… But I would clarify that it’s not unusual or strange in a bad way, and that they’re likely nice people just like us.
Well put. Sounds good to me!
Enjoy reading your blog! I hope it helps open eyes and minds!
Thanks, I hope so, too!
Jerry – you and Drew are truly wonderful parents…Bennett and Sutton couldn’t have asked for better ones…yes, parenting is difficult (no matter what age-21 & 23 isn’t any easier-well ok, it’s a little easier) …however, you are on the right track for raising 2 well rounded (and I’m sure brilliant) children.
The important message is to teach our kids to love everyone. When I was in high school, gays were different than the rest of us…however, when my kids were in high school, gays were “ok”. Times have changed and continue to, slowly, but it’s happening.
None of us were put here to judge others, just love them for who they are…and that is what we need to teach our children. Keep up the good work, you are a wonderful dad!
Love you much Cousin…Doreen
Thanks, Doreen. Things have changed a lot since I was in high school, too. I sure never knew anyone with gay dads or moms back then. It’s definitely much easier to be ignorant if you’re never exposed to something, so if my kids end up meeting people who are unenlightened, I’m sure they’ll enlighten them.
Thanks for being a great cousin – and a great mom, too. Love you, too!
I absolutely LOVE this! I don’t have kids yet, but I’ve always planned on teaching them to accept and celebrate all different kinds of families. This blog really helpfully and concisely sums up really great ways to do this. Thanks for this post, and this great message!
Thanks, Melia. Sounds like your future kids will be very lucky to have such a smart, hip mom!
This baby’s going viral…
This was such a fantastic post. Witty and smart but a completely valid point. I told my dad off the other day because he used a derogative term in the car with me. He is learning, slowly, but I’m working on the whole acceptance thing with him. I love my friends and family regardless of their orientation and I want him to understand that.
Thanks for the great post!
Great article! My brother is gay, and is happily married, so my kids have had the exposure that some other kids lack. They were very matter of fact when their cousins asked who the man was with their uncle, to them it’s no big deal. As my daughter, who was 7 at the tiem said “It’s just people’s lives, geez!” (Complete with eye-roll!)
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Fantastic.
My Spouse and I have been raising kids for 12 years now, first as foster parents (which we still do) and for the past 10 years to our son who joined our family when he was three.
At first we had concerns how our various kid’s schoolmates would react to the two day thing but from the beginning was pretty surprised. Not only at the level of acceptance but also in cases at the wistful “Wow, we don’t have one dad who we spend time with and you have two” and how much their friends liked hanging out at our house.
That’s so great to hear! I’m hoping we’ll be the cool house to hang out at someday, too. I’m looking forward to being that dad who sits down and plays video games with all his kids’ friends. “You guys playing Mario Kart? Count me in!” I’m sure my kids will be so embarrassed.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Loved everything about this post x
Thank you. I love getting comments like this!
Reblogged this on Kristian Ramon.
Thanks for the reblog!
You rock. This is a fantastic. My girls are teens and tweens now and we are a heterosexual couple, but we started early letting them know that there are all sorts of families (We used some great books called “It’s So Amazing” and “It’s Perfectly Normal” that are categorized as sex-ed books starting for ages 6 and up, but that cover everything from the emotions around sex to different families as well. Now when we talk about their future families, we will throw in things like your boyfriend or girlfriend, whatever you choose. We occasionally get a little wrinkled nose as they are all showing preferences towards boys now, but at least they have heard over and over that not only will we accept them no matter what, but that they should be accepting of others. As they are older, we also have great political discussions about gay marriage rights. We are atheists, so I like to say that our marriage is no more valid to the church than a gay marriage and that is just fine. I don’t want a religious marriage, I want to make a commitment to my partner (which we have homered for 25 years now) and I want the government rights of marriage and I think any two consenting adults should be able to do the same.
Thanks. I haven’t heard of those books. I’ll try to check them out. I love the nose wrinkling – very sweet. Clearly they got your message – and then some.
Thanks. I haven’t heard of those books. I’ll have to check them out. I love the nose wrinkling – very sweet. Clearly they got your message – and then some.
I disagree with it being ok with Beiber Fever – How can you write such a well thought out post, but then include that it’s alright to support bad taste in music? Sheesh!
)
Seriously though, thanks for this!
Just to clarify – that cartoon was meant to represent the voice of a straight parent talking to his son. It’s not how I feel. If either of my kids had Bieber Fever, I’d be a little disappointed.
While I enjoyed your post, I must say that I really took issue with the statement “You could also use the word “queer”, I guess, but then your kids and I will just think you’re a pretentious dweeb.”
Not every non-heterosexual person can enjoy the same white, homonormative class privilege that you do, and labeling them as a “pretentious dweeb” is not only rude and inaccurate, but also ignores the factions of queer individuals whose rights and needs have been ignored by the mainstream gay rights movement. Queer isn’t just an alternative term for “gay”, but rather describes a number of identities that recognize that not everyone fits neatly into the gender-binary or exhibits “normal” sexualities. Not everyone lives in the world of the HRC where marriage equality is the most important issue.
You may call me pretentious for leaving this comment, but remember that I am not the only person that needs the identity “queer” to exist. Please think about that in the future before tossing it aside like a joke. Thank you.
Agreed with Ayana. I really liked this post – there was a lot of practical advice in here – but that line seriously rubbed me the wrong way. For many of us, “queer” is the only term that makes sense to describe our sexual orientations / identities. We’re not pretentious dweebs. We are people for whom the choices of gay/straight and even gay/straight/bisexual don’t apply. Many of us are people whose genders or the genders of our partners don’t fit into the male/female box. And yes… people like us have families as well.
My apologies to you, too, Ira. I really didn’t mean to offend or exclude anyone from my post. Of course everyone should teach their kids to love and respect everyone, regardless of what labels they feel fit them best. (Not to be defensive, but I was talking about a scenario where a straight parent used the term, presumably to try to sound hip. That was what struck me as silly, not the feelings of people who self-identify as “queer”.) Thanks for writing.
Haha, I was actually about to post to say the same thing – this is an amazing post, don’t get me wrong, and it’s a topic I am happy to see covered so well, but I identify as queer so that jab was a bit hurtful.
I mean – it’s nice for you that “gay” is a label that you feel happy with, and I mean that sincerely, but not all of us under the not-straight umbrella with you are so lucky. People are complicated and sometimes “queer” is honestly the best we can do.
Thanks, Sarah. I really wasn’t aware that some people used “queer” because they felt excluded by the term “gay”. I’ve always thought of it as the more academic synonym for “gay”. I’m glad the three of you wrote to tell me otherwise.
I actually had a line in an earlier draft of this post about gay people who don’t want transgendered people included with us in non-discrimination clauses. Something along the lines of, “Who do you think was fighting for our rights at Stonewall? You’re lucky they include us.” I cut it because it was too much of a digression (and would probably baffle straight people who aren’t aware of the rift between some gays and transgenders). But that is how I feel. We’re all one community, and anyone who wants to stand beside me and fight for equality is welcome. I’ll proudly fight for theirs as well.
Thanks so much for writing. I’m sorry if I offended. It certainly wasn’t my intent to write a post about inclusiveness and understanding that left people feeling isolated and misunderstood. Perhaps I need to learn more about “queer” and its connotations. I respect and appreciate everyone, no matter how they label themselves, and I’m glad you wrote to make your point of view known. Again, my apologies.
Ayana, I found your differentiation between ‘gay’ and ‘queer’ very informative. As a straight person, I believed the terms to be essentially synonymous, and in fact had always thought that by using ‘queer’ gay people were ‘owning’ the once-derogatory term, sort of de-fanging it. I’m glad for the deeper understanding.
That said, after reading your comment (and before reading Jerry’s reply) I thought “But this post is directed at straight people.” And let’s be honest…the term ‘queer’, coming from a straight person, does sound weird and yes, even pretentious in a Liberal elitist way. Sort of like a white suburban dude in a sweater vest describing a pair of Hispanic men as ‘homeys’.
Your feelings on the subject are clearly and understandable strong, and your message is important. BUT I think you’re doing poor Jerry a disservice with your “You may call me pretentious for leaving this comment…” remark.
Considering the context, you’d almost have to go out of your way to be outraged about this.
Explain to him how and why it offended you, yes. Get your message across, yes.
Get puffed-up and snarky with someone who is clearly on side with you – no.
So happy to have discovered your blog via your SIL Susie. (We went to HS together.) Great post! And may I second Carrie’s recommendation of “It’s So Amazing”. Got it this year to read with my 5 year old son and I recommend it to everyone!
Thanks, I’ll definitely check that out! So glad you found the blog!
Hi Jerry,
A friend of mine posted a link to today’s blog post on Facebook, so of course I had to check it out. Thanks so much for the humor and matter-of-fact way that you deal with things that, quite frankly, need humor and matter-of-factness. Oh boy, and after that exceedingly terrible sentence, I’m about to make a confession of sorts. *ahem* I’m writing a book. It’s a YA LGBT fantasy romance – title: Prince(ss) Alexandra. . . and what jumped out when reading your article is that I have a confused princess who desperately wants to be a prince talking with her friends about boys who like boys and girls who like girls. I’m really torn. I’ve made it through the third draft, and have not introduced the terms gay, lesbian, homosexuality, bisexuality or transgender to this fantasy world. Why I am I clogging the blog? Feedback, I guess? I have 5 readers looking at my 3rd draft right now, and none have made a comment on that particular piece. The underlying premise of the story is to be who you want to be/are meant to be, rather than who your parents/society tell you that you ought to be. My goal is to create a story that’s mainstream enough that teens will pick it up and say “yes, this resonates with me!” So… feedback. In a fantasy world where those terms honestly don’t exist and our protagonist is wrestling with so many questions . . . it may come to love at the end, but it all starts with like.
Sorry it took me so long to respond. I thought I had already replied but I guess I didn’t. Bad blogger!
Honestly, I would leave “gay” and the other terms out. They don’t need to exist in your fantasy world, and if your general message is self-acceptance, then leaving it broad will allow all kids to relate, whether they’re gay/transgender or not.
Sounds like a great book. Put me down for a copy – and good luck with it!
I don’t agree with telling your kids they’ll “probably” be straight or that they’ll “probably” be gay. That’s the problem with a lot of kids needing to come out of the closet now. Because it’s assumed that the default setting for children is to be straight. That’s not the case, and you shouldn’t pretend that it is. You should just let them know that only THEY can know whether they’re straight or gay, and that neither one is better off than the other.
That being said, I do agree with pretty much everything else. And I think that this is a wonderful article. I just have that small bone to pick.
Thanks!
I see what you’re saying. I did try to make it clear that you should only do that if a kid is specifically asking that question. Of course, it’s best to let kids figure it out on their own rather than steer them in one direction. Sexuality can be confusing to kids (and adults, too), so my point was that if a kid needs help understanding, you don’t need to be evasive just for the sake of being evasive. As long as your message is, “Whatever you are, I love you”, that’s what matters.
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We’re sharing Island Monkey’s spotlight. How nice to find your blog. I really liked this post, although I have no kids, who knows when someday I may find myself with someone else’s kid, trying to come up with appropriate answers to the questions kids always ask. Bless their curious little hearts. Great common sense, no fuss approach.
Thanks for commenting. Glad you found the blog!
Jerry –
This is fantastic.
Thank you.
xo L
Thanks, Lisa!
nicely said. we have the added twist of being a blended family where one son visits his other mom every other weekend and lives with his mom and stepmom “i’ve got a lot of moms” he mumbles when asked whose that? it’s all in the explanation!
I love it. Congrats to all you moms!
Beautiful. Spoken with love and experience…with humor and without judgement…that is very hard to do.
I wish for you and your family the same thing that I wish for all families…peace, grace, laughter everyday, fun, learning moments, teaching moments and someday…a world where blogging about having to explain love to anyone will be a thing of the past.
You are a very gifted writer and obviously a loving, attentive, thoughtful partner and parent. (Ever notice those two words are only different by one letter?)
What a sweet, thoughtful, beautifully expressed comment. Thanks so much, Tricia!
I love your blog. I am a straight mother of 3. Two of my best friends from high school are lesbians so it was very important to me to make sure that this conversation is one that I have early and often with my children. I began reading The Family Book by Todd Park to my children to help introduce the idea that there are lots of different kinds of families and each one is special. Thank you for this post. It is wonderful.
We love The Family Book! It’s so great to have a book that specifically mentions families with two moms or two dads. My kids love that page. We always stop and say how proud we are to have two dads in our family. Glad you’re sharing it with your kids, too. Thanks for writing!
i love this! everything about it! i’m a straight, married, mom of 2 and have several gay couple friends – i know at some point my 4 year old will notice that we have gay friends and now i know exactly what to say – until now, i just planned to say, “sometimes boys like boys and sometimes girls like girls” – good call on the word “love” – it makes much more sense that way!
and how did i miss the most obvious gay reference – Modern Family!! it’s the one tv show we sit down and watch as a family (is that wrong?) – how could i forget to say, “like Cam and Mitchell” – duh!
Great! Glad my advice helped. And I’m really glad Modern Family is increasing tolerance – and giving people an entry point for discussion. Thanks for the comment. I’m sure you’ll raise some terrific, loving kids.
Is it too late to say thanks for the RaisingMyRainbow shout out?! Hope not. Cheers to you and your blog.
I don’t think anything I’ve written or accomplished with this blog has impressed my boyfriend as much as the fact that I got a comment from Raising My Rainbow. We are such big fans (blush). Glad I could send a few readers your way. You’re a great writer and an inspiration.
My family was concerned how my sister-in-law’s adopted (cross cultural) daughter was going to handle the “normality” of school with lesbian mothers of another race. Turns out we needn’t have worried about her.
Another child went home with this:
Child: “Mommy, Sisi has two mommies. Why don’t I have two mommies?”
Mother: “Um, but you have a mommy and a daddy.”
Child: “But I don’t want a daddy! I want two mommies!”
Awesome!
This is fantastic! I recently read something that talked about the impact having to explain “gay” to your children had. They implied it to be incredibly traumatizing. Here is a real life conversation about my brother and his partner (who are also our main source of babysitters).
3 year old daughter: Is Uncle J Uncle A’s honey? (which is how she refers to everyone’s significant other)
Me: Yes.
3 year old daughter: I knew that was his honey. He’s a good honey.
Me: Yes. And do you know that that’s what’s important? That you have a GOOD honey.
3 year old daughter: Yeah. I’m hungry, do we have any apples?
See, traumatizing right?
Very sweet – thanks for sharing that! Where did you read it was traumatizing? I’m guessing somewhere with a political bent – and they complain about a “gay agenda”!
Oh wow Jerry. I loved going through your blog. I belong from a society where gay couples are… let’s just say not liked very much but the way you write about your lifestyle, thoughts and kids is truly moving. Wish we could interact in real life. If I ever come towards your part of the world, I will surely look you up
Thanks, Annie. It’s always nice to hear when my blog reaches someone from a less gay-tolerant society. Hope your country catches up at some point, and if you ever make it over to the US, please do look me up!
THANK you! I’m a straight mama with a straight husband living in a military community. We don’t get to hang out with gay couples much (despite the recent repeal of DADT), but gay tolerance and gay rights are a huge hot button issue for myself and hubby and we want to make sure we’re telling our child the right things. We don’t want to go so far with it that it’s a big deal and the subject of every conversation, we just want her to treat gay and lesbian people (really all people) with respect and want her to feel comfortable with different types of families. I don’t want her to feel, when she sees a gay couple, awkward about it like I felt around the one lone African American in my town. My parents made a huge deal out of my being nice to him, and although their intentions were good, it make the whole thing uncomfortable for him and for me. This is hugely important to us, but hard to find good information. It’s not in any parenting books I’ve seen. Your post here is much appreciated, as are all the others here on my new favorite blog! <3
FANTASTIC TIPS! And such an interesting post! I am in interior design so I am surrounded by and have gay friends, though no one is ready or have discussed having children, so I had never thought about this topic before. I’m bookmarking this blog and sharing it with them!
My exhusband of 13 yrs is gay. I suspected this throughout my marriage but it wasn’t the reason we divorced. A few years ago he signed off on his parental rights and has not had contact with our three children, now teens. I feel I need to tell the kids as they’ve expressed the desire to see him and I think they deserve the chance to see him and draw their own conclusions, at this point they have no idea he’s gay. Well my 15 yr old so has exhibitedsigns that make me believe he might b gay….he’s very feminine and just doesn’t do the
I’m so sorry this got cut off. I feel terrible for you. Whatever happened between you and your husband and whatever he came to realize about himself, it’s unthinkable to me that he could just sign off on his parental rights and not see his kids anymore. I hope it’s not out of some kind of shame over being gay or fear that his kids will reject him. Especially if one of your kids does turn out to be gay, it would’ve been nice for them to have a decent gay role model instead of one who abandoned him.
Personally, I don’t see any reason not to tell the kids their dad is gay. To keep it from them just reinforces the shame and fear. Acknowledge it, and then you can point out that being gay isn’t what made him a bad parent (a bad husband, maybe).
Great post.
I’ve always thought parents over-think ‘big’ issues too much, and the ‘What does ‘gay’ mean” question is no exception.
My answer to my kids when they asked (usually around 6 or 7) was simple and engendered ZERO confusion: “Gay is when a man falls in love with another man or a woman falls in love with another woman.” The end.
Nicely put. Simple is best.
Great post, but as someone with friends who are incest survivors, I was really bothered by this line: “Remember the magic phrase, ‘Everyone ends up with the right parents for them.’”
Thanks for reminding me that there’s an exception to every rule. Some parents are terrible, and some kids deserve better. I guess my point is more that it doesn’t matter how your family comes to be, because it’s not genetics but the love that binds you from that point on that makes you a family.
Love this. Have bookmarked it, and will make sure I remember it, if ever my children ask, up until now, we have been sure to teach them that ‘love is love and love is good’ and my 5 year old already tells me he might choose to marry one of his best boy friends and not one of the girls ..I love that he is growing up so happy to embrace love in all it’s colours, shapes, sizes and forms- love is good x
Sounds like you’re doing a great job already!
Your wit is today’s gift to me, thank you. I was raised by a gay daddy, but I don’t think he’s made me laugh this hard since he blew raspberries on my four-year-old tummy! You’re a clever writer.
Thanks! Raspberries on the tummy… I’ll have to try that one!
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=raspberry — helpful?
Thank you for this! I just had a conversation the other day with my kids (8 and 5) when we came across the word “gay” while reading Narnia. We’ve talked a lot about gay marriage thanks to a proposed amendment to our state (which was defeated, woohoo!), but this was the first time babies entered the conversation. We don’t have any close gay friends, so I never know for sure if I’m saying the right things, but I think our conversation was pretty close to your advice, so I feel like I’m at least somewhat on track!
I’m guessing “gay” in Narnia wasn’t synonymous with “homosexual”, unless Aslan makes a big announcement in one of the later books. Still, how great that you used that as an intro to talk to your kids about the other kind of gay. You want a close gay friend? You got one now!
You just made my day!
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Maybe it’s because we’ve always had gay relatives, but my kids never brought up the question either. They just accepted that sometimes there are two folks of the same gender, and they are a family. I can’t remember at any point being uncomfortable about discussing our gay family members. It was just not a big deal. Never has been.
I think kids react based on what they see around them – based on others’ reactions. We’ve never made it a big deal. We’ve treated gay people the same as we’ve treated anyone else. We’ve accepted it as a normal part of society, and our kids followed suit.
Kids learn ignorance. They learn bigotry. They learn to be uncomfortable. My son had a nanny who was black for the first year of his life, while we were stationed in Germany. She was wonderful with him, and he loved her and spoke of her often when we came back to the US. He never thought about her color, and never considered it. She was just someone he loved. When we moved here and placed him in daycare, he came home one day and looked at a photo of his former nanny cuddling him on the fridge, and with the most surprised look on his face said, “Mommy! Hazel was black!” It never occurred to him. But when someone mentioned race at daycare, he all of a sudden became aware of it. He became aware of her color. I was a bit saddened by this.
I love that nanny story. It says so much about kids’ minds. I think you handled everything so well. Race only becomes an issue if you make it one. Sure, someone else always will as your kids grow up, so that’s the best time to address it. The fact that you haven’t made an issue of it until then shows your attitude towards it. You can teach tolerance jut by not teaching its opposite.
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This is one for Scary Mommy, or another super mainstream blog. I say that because people who come to your blog are probably okay with homosexuality, and this message needs to get out to the MASSES. My 19 month old has a lot of “Gunkles,” so I will be using your words of widsome one day!
Thanks. You’re right. People who come here tend to be supportive already. But this one actually did run on Scary Mommy. The response was also great there. Very positive comments. On the other hand, it ran last week on an Australian news site, which some people claim is almost as conservative as Fox News. That generated a lot of “this is disgusting!”-type comments, and I got one email telling me to burn in hell. The positive comments were in the minority, but it felt good knowing that it at least reached a few people who appreciated the message.
My bad, and congrats to you! Don’t worry; all your loyal readers will visit you in hell
Awesome. I’m hoping to get a nice room, near the fire pits.
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This post really touched me. As a parent of two it means a lot to me to be able to talk to my kids about such subjects. I am a mother of a bisexual teen and teaching her to be who she is no matter what means a lot. Its important that she accepts people for who they are as well and this is one thing my husband and I try to teach both our kids. Thank you for posting this, it will be a tool I will use when topic like this come up with my kids.
Thanks for writing. So glad the post helped you, and so glad your daughter is lucky to have such understanding and loving parents as you and your husband. Sounds like you’re doing great!
What about a man who is in the closet? My kids know after six years of wondering why we are divorced. Right now they are just processing it.
That is a great question. I don’t have any personal experience on it, and without knowing how old your kids are, I’m not sure what exactly I’d suggest. In general, though, I think it’s always better to be honest. Even young kids can understand something like, “Some men are meant to be with men, not women, and Daddy realized he’s supposed to be with a man.” Sorry, I know that’s a rough situation. Good luck with it.
I needed this. I was watching “Milk” for the first time, tonight. My 5 year old son climbed onto the couch with me as Sean Penn and James Franco kissed outside their camera shop. He was confused. I told him that sometimes men love men and that it’s ok… it’s part of the world. I love everyone and want my son to know, early on, that being gay is perfectly ok. Well… My boyfriend flipped out on me. He was appalled that I would let my 5 year old watch a movie about gays. He even said, “And I heard how you explained it to him!” I was taken aback because we have gay friends; plus, I know he’s shown my son movies with kissing straight people. He treated me like a horrible mother. Although I know how I feel, I need some back-up that this was a perfectly healthy interaction between my son and me. Thanks
Yes, I think you handled it perfectly. I’m not sure Milk is a great movie for kids, mostly because they’ll be frightened by James Franco’s moustache. But you explained it just right. This might be something you should talk to your boyfriend about.
My kids are 14, 12 and 10. As of a few days ago they all know. He will not really talk about it because he does not want the community, family etc. to know. I am not going to overtalk it, but I am sure they will have questions. It is not my place to do the talking but he will not talk about it. He does not talk about anything really except day to day stuff so this is very difficult. My youngest keeps asking me if it really is true. SHe had no idea. I thought she had some inclination but she says she did not.
Susan from March 18
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Fine way of describing, and pleasant paragraph
to obtain facts on the topic of my presentation subject, which i am going to present in university.
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Great advice! My son is 8 and has asked more detailed questions about the reproductive aspectd of same-sex parenting, so I thought it might be helpful to share how I explained that.
He has always been familiar with same-sex couples because there are several in our church, though none have children. It was not until kindergarten that he knew a child with same-sex parents. He said, “Hannah has two moms and no dad. But YOU told me a baby has to be made by a mother and a father!” (accusing look). I said, “It does take a mother and a father to start a baby growing, but those are not always the same people who raise the baby and act as its parents. Hannah has two moms who love her and take care of her. They are a family. There’s no dad in their family. The father who helped Hannah start to grow is her father in that way, but he’s not a daddy who is raising her.”
That was enough until he was 7 and asking more detailed questions about reproduction and eventually got to, “When a family has two moms and no dad, or two dads and no mom, and they want to have a baby, how do they do that?”. It was easy to explain three options:
1. They can ask a friend to be the other biological parent. Then the two moms or two dads will be raising the child, but the other biological parent is someone their family knows and spends time with, kind of like an uncle. (We did not get into the mechanics of conception for this. I think my son assumed the bio parents would have sex specifically for this purpose.)
2. They can get help from a doctor, who gets the sperm from the father and puts it into the mother so that it finds her egg and the baby grows. If the mother is growing the baby for a family with two dads, then they have to wait for it to be ready to be born, and then she says goodbye to the baby and the two dads become the parents. (This explanation required several rounds of, “But isn’t that too sad?!” and, “It seems too sad to me; I don’t think I could say goodbye to a baby I grew, but different people make different choices.”)
3. They can adopt a baby who needs parents because the biological parents are not able to take care of the baby.
My son immediately began analyzing the physical resemblances between Hannah and each of her moms, speculating on which mom grew her. I told him it is fine to wonder about that, but remember that BOTH of them are her “real mom” and it is rude to ask a lot of questions unless people feel like explaining their family.
Gender roles in our family (headed by unmarried heterosexual parents) are so flexible that my son doesn’t question how anybody would decide which mom cooks dinner or anything like that!