JUST FOR REFERENCE, I WAS BORN IN 1971

I remember one day, back in 1996, I came to the very disturbing realization that kids born in 1980 were now old enough to drive. It was one of the most horrifying moments of my life. I mean, 1980! That’s, like, the 80’s! Well, actually, it’s not just “like the 80’s”, it is the 80’s! These kids were born after Diff’rent Strokes and Blondie and Jimmy Carter. They shouldn’t be driving cars. They’re young! That was the first time in my life I ever truly felt old.

Well, now it’s 2006, and I just realized that this means that kids born in 1990 can drive. Nineteen-freakin’-ninety! Can you believe that? They were born after Cheers and Ronald Reagan, and they think Duran Duran’s first hit was “Ordinary World”, if they even remember Duran Duran at all, since they were three years old when that song came out. Unbelievable.

And you know what? It feels absolutely fantastic. You know why? Because those little fuckers born in 1980 are gonna start to feel old now.

Ha, ha! Suck it, you little mid-20’s snots!