One of the more neglected purposes of this blog is to share information (and dispel myths) about makin’ gaybies. I want to educate people about my family – and at the same time help prospective parents, gay or straight, who might be exploring their own fertility options.
A while back, I posted about some common misperceptions of surrogacy and why Drew and I chose that path, and now I want to share some information about the other part of the equation: the egg donor.
Admittedly, our situation is somewhat unique. Our egg donor was my partner’s sister, Susie. (Yes, I contributed the sperm.) But before Susie made her offer, we were planning to use an anonymous egg donor, which is what most gay dads pursuing gestational surrogacy do – and understandably so. Not everyone has as wonderful a sister-in-law as Susie, and for various reasons, not everyone wants to have such close ties to their egg donor (ahem, Modern Family characters).
If your fertility plans involve an egg donor or if you’re just curious about the process, here are a few facts I learned while Drew and I were exploring our options:
1. Egg donors are young.
The ideal donor is in her late teens to mid-20s. Yes, late teens. (OK, very late teens – I never saw anyone younger than 19.) It came as a bit of a shock to me and Drew that our child could be getting half of his or her DNA from Gossip Girl. When we saw their pictures, it reminded us just how young 19 actually is. They had acne and awkward grins, wore baggy college sweatshirts and put their hair in pigtails. Susie was 28 when she donated. Compared to the women in the database, she was practically over the hill.
2. Your children will most likely never meet their egg donor.
If you’re adopting a child, you have the option of an “open” adoption, where the birth mother maintains some form of mutually agreed-upon contact with the child throughout his or her life. Dan Savage recounts his open adoption wonderfully in his book The Kid, a must-read for all prospective gay dads or anyone considering adoption.
I loved the idea of open adoption. There’s no shame, no secrecy and the kid never has to go through that pain of feeling like they don’t know where they really came from. When we started to lean toward surrogacy, I was hoping we could do some kind of “open” surrogacy.
We learned pretty quickly that there’s no such thing. When we asked our agency if we could stay in touch with the egg donor, they seemed startled. It wasn’t something anyone – intended parents or egg donors – ever requested, and they were pretty sure no donor would agree to it.
These were young women, after all, most of whom wanted to have their own kids someday. They didn’t want someone else’s kids tracking them down and calling them “Mommy”. In fact, just to become egg donors they had to divorce themselves of any feeling of kinship with their eggs. It was like donating blood. You’re happy to know it went to good use, but you don’t need details from the people who received it.
3. Unlike sperm, eggs are only donated “on demand”.
Sperm donors make their deposits (and get paid) not knowing if anyone will ever use their sperm. That’s because sperm is plentiful, easy to produce (fun, too!), and cheap to store. Eggs are none of those things. If you become an egg donor, you go through testing (both medical and psychological) to make sure you’re equipped to donate. Then… you wait. Your name, photo and vital info goes into a database, and someday, if someone picks you, you get a call that it’s go time.
You could sign up to donate eggs and never actually get picked by any prospective parents (which means you never get paid). Anonymous egg donation is definitely not for anyone who’s afraid of rejection.
4. Egg donation is a big time commitment.
A sperm donor can start and finish his job in pretty much the amount of time it takes him to open a Victoria’s Secret catalogue or press “PLAY” on a DVD. But egg donors don’t have dozens of eggs on hand at any given time that they can just drop off at a fertility clinic on a whim. They need to prepare themselves physically. That means about six weeks of medication.
First, there’s birth control to synch her cycle up to the surrogate’s. The only way a pregnancy can occur is if the surrogate’s body is prepared to take over right where the egg donor’s left off.
Next, the egg donor is required to take hormones to stimulate egg development. These need to be self-injected. To someone as squeamish as me, that sounds excruciating, but our fertility doctor assured us that he’d never had a donor drop out because of the medication. The side effects are usually mild – bloating, moodiness, that sort of thing.
Then, there’s the actual procedure, which you do in a doctor’s office and which takes about 10-15 minutes. It’s not anything too horrible, but it’s not like retrieving sperm, for sure.
5. There’s generally less anonymity for egg donors than sperm donors.
Once eggs are donated, they’re fertilized immediately (extras are frozen for later attempts) and transferred to a surrogate 3-5 days later. Most sperm donors never encounter their intended parents first-hand, but egg donors don’t have that luxury. You’ll probably be bumping into each other at the fertility clinic anyway, so many agencies will let you meet and interview prospective egg donors before making your decision.
Even if you don’t meet them in person, the database tends to give you their first name, an extensive bio, pictures and a video of them talking, all of which you can later pass on to your kids if you choose.
6. The standard rate for egg donors is $8,000.
Egg donors earn a lot more than sperm donors, because of all the extra trouble they have to go through. Their standard rate is $8,000 per “harvest”. (The cost to the intended parents is greater, because they’re also paying for all the medical fees and medication.)
Still, $8,000 isn’t a fortune, and unlike sperm donors, egg donors are limited in how often they can donate. The whole process can take six months, which means you’d be lucky to donate twice a year. People don’t donate eggs to get rich. They usually do it to pay for a couple of credits at college and to help infertile couples in the process.
7. The world of egg donors is the Wild West of the fertility landscape.
Well, OK, maybe a few women are making big bucks on their eggs. That’s because egg donation is not currently regulated by the government. The $8,000 fee, although fairly standard, is only a suggested retail price. Individual agencies and donors are free to mark up as they see fit. One agency I found online advertised “premium” egg donors – ones with Ivy League degrees, high IQs, athletic awards, etc. A couple of them had donated their eggs more than ten times. They also charged premium rates – some as much as $30,000 per harvest.
This represents a very small minority of egg donors, but it happens.
8. The pool is limited.
Anyone who thinks the process of egg donation is akin to genetic engineering or eugenics is vastly overestimating the amount of choice available. It’s more like trying to find your future wife in a bar and having only the patrons of that particular bar at that time available to you.
Given the commitment required of donors, it’s no surprise that relatively few women volunteer. Our agency’s database had about 40-70 donors at any given time. Not a ton – and even worse if you’re looking for a certain race or ethnicity. Our agency had 1-2 African-Americans, 1-2 Asians. Sure, there are dozens of other agencies you can locate with a quick Google search, but once you find someone you like, you have to make sure she’s available. She could be “on hold” for another couple or in the process of donating to someone else. That could lock her up for six months or longer.
Meanwhile, your surrogate may not be very patient while you wait for your dream donor to appear. In fact, Drew and I were turned down by a potential surrogate who was uncomfortable with how long it was taking us to find a donor. (This was part of what ultimately led us to Susie, so it ended up being a good thing.)
If you’re interested in helping infertile couples and non-traditional families like mine, egg donation is a wonderful gift you can give someone.
You’ll need to be interested in more than just making money, though. The cash you do make, you really have to earn. It won’t be enough to change your life, because part of the reward is knowing how much you’ve changed someone else’s.
Great post, it’s good that you share some valuable information.
I’ve been considering egg donation, but my family isn’t too happy with the idea.
Sigh.
Sorry to hear that. Egg donation is a beautiful thing – albeit a big commitment.
egg donation is HORRIBLE. I did it and will always regret it. Your’e selling away the siblings of your future children.
Can you elaborate on why you found it horrible perhaps?
If you had’nt done it, you would have bled them out anyway. I feel bad for the parents who got eggs from your braindead stock.
Cheaper by the dozen??
Great post, & I thank you for this because I have been clueless in PA…
CW
Great Post,
I just wanted to share my experience with any prospective intended parent out there…
I am a single gay man who had a beautiful daughter via egg donation/surrogacy 3 years ago. When my daughter was born, I asked the agency to let the donor know what the outcome of her donation was and that if she was interested in getting to know my child, that I would be open to the idea. The agency contacted her and she was thrilled with the news! We have met twice; we share pics all the time; I met her bio grandma and I am truly happy that I established this connection for the sake of my daughter. They are truly wonderful people.
I can certainly understand that not everyone wants contact with their donor, but for my family it was absolutely the right decision. I did my best to make sure that my daughter knows where she got half of her DNA from so that when she is old enough (an adult) they can decide what kind of relationship they can have.
I am currently going through this process again. You can always ask the agency that you are only interested in working with donors who would be willing to meet the child/children at a certain point when they are older. If they are not interested; then I am not interested. I absolutely believe that whatever I offer one child, I should offer all my children.
I just want to point out that there is nothing wrong in not knowing your donor. In my case, I was lucky that she wanted to meet her bio daughter.
My present donor has expressed an interest in meeting me and my little girl and I am thrilled to comply… will keep you posted.
JD
Thanks so much for writing and sharing your story, JD. It makes me really happy to know that there are egg donors out there who are open to having contact with kids who are born from their eggs. I was so disappointed when I was initially told that wasn’t an option.
I’m really glad you were able to create your family on your terms – your daughter will be very lucky. Kudos, too, for being a single parent – yet somehow finding time to read my blog!
I also wanted to chime in here, though I realize quite some time has passed. I have been searching for stories online similar to my own and stumbled on your blog. I donated eggs and have begun to have a wonderful relationship with my biological kids and their parents. It has been an emotional and challenging experience thus far, but beyond worth it. I am certain there must be other potential donors like me who would be willing to build a relationship with the recipient family. It is early yet for me, so we’ll see how it goes. We are forging a new path here, which can be scary, for sure. But I would certainly urge anyone looking for a donor to do a lot of research because we are out there. Good luck to you all! <3
Thanks so much for the comment. I realize that an open relationship with one’s egg donor isn’t for everyone (intended parents or egg donors), but I’m so grateful to have one in my family, and it’s nice to know it’s available for other people who are interested. Best of luck to you and your extended family!
Great post. The only thing I take issue with is your statement that the side-effects of the IVF meds are “generally mild.” My wife went through two rounds of IVF to conceive our son, and “generally mild” is a wild understatement. Let me put it in perspective for you: First, these woman are injecting themselves once or twice a day with big long needles. The injection sites get sore and swollen, so you have to keep switching sides or moving around. Pretty soon, your whole buttocks and thighs are swollen and bruised and you feel like a human pincushion. Second, the hormones to stimulate egg production make the ovaries (which are ordinarily the size of walnuts) swell to the size of tennis balls or even grapefruits. That is more than mildly uncomfortable. (Imagine if your bollucks swelled in the same proportion, and stayed that way for weeks: yikes!)
Thanks for the comment, Clio. Honestly, when I heard the egg donation process described to me, I was a bit horrified. Self-injection, swelling ovaries? It sounded so unpleasant. I’m only going on what my egg donor (who admittedly is not a complainer) and my doctor told me, which was that it sounded worse to me than it actually was. I salute your wife and anyone else who’s gone through the process.
Thanks for posting, Clio. Many of these very young women are students and hearing that symptoms are “generally mild” may be severely unprepared for the emotional and physical symptoms of the procedure. They may feel financial pressure to take a risk that could change their life. Disruption to grades in school, social life and other health risks should be clearly explained. Commodification of women’s organs (placenta, ovaries, uterus) should be treated like the commodification of human organs that men also have. International law and laws in every country ban the sale of human organs. Donation is one thing; sale is another. Check out the important film: Eggsploitation!
Thanks for the comment. I’m all for informing people of the risks of the egg donation procedure, but many women find it rewarding enough emotionally (as well as financially) to go through it over and over again. Clearly, they’re not put off by the side effects. Let’s not get hysterical. Nobody’s selling any organs here. I agree that egg donation is not for everyone, but I think the women who are interested should have that choice.
It really depends on the woman. I did IVF four times (we are now moving on to donor egg) and apart from the momentary pain of the shots and the tenderness at the shot sites, all I experienced was some bloating. That was a total surprise for me, because back when I was using birth control there were some brands of the Pill that could throw me into a completely debilitating depression–it depended on the exact hormones used and the dosage. IVF drugs are a MUCH higher dose of hormones but they had basically no effect on my mood.
Amazing article. Wow, the rate has gone up! Ten years ago, it was only $3000. Wowee! Incredible, insight, thank you. Now I realize how rare my eggs are. But I’m definitely over the hill at 32… man!
Pink.
You mentioned that donors are typically young. Is that because only younger women CAN donate or that only younger women WANT to donate? I can’t go through the process until I’m done with school, but once I graduate, I’d be VERY interested in becoming a donor.
It’s because women’s fertility drops precipitously with age, both in terms of quality and quantity of eggs, and it makes no sense to go to that much effort and expense with a woman whose fertility is compromised. Why would anyone spend upwards of $30k (egg donor compensation, medications, IVF procedures…) on a, say, 40% chance of a baby with a 34-y-o donor when they could spend the same amount with a 26-y-o donor and have a 70% chance? That’s the reasoning, and so 32 is generally the upper limit for egg donors, though clinics will make an exception if, say, you have a 34-y-o sister who wants to donate and she passes all the clinic’s requirements (blood tests and an ultrasound to check her ovaries, etc.).
The “late teens” comment surprised me, though, because many clinics won’t work with egg donors who are under 21. The egg quality is generally great in 18-19 year olds, but the idea is they may not be mature enough to really make an informed decision about giving away their eggs.
FYI, a lot of donors are in college when they donate; they fit it in during summers or other school breaks (the really intensive part of egg donation only lasts about 10 days).
PS Here’s a great overview of what happens, on average, to egg quality as women age. Reading it will explain better than I can exactly why egg donors need to be young:
http://www.advancedfertility.com/age-eggs-chromosomes.htm
Wow, I had NO idea egg donation was such a huge commitment. I always figured it was 15 minutes in the doctors office, they stuck the eggs on ice, & there you go. Thanks for all the insight to the process!
A very eye opening post. I had no idea egg donation was so involved, but what an incredible gift to give if you can. I just added The Kid to my Amazon cart!
Very informative post. Thanks so much for sharing.
How is it everyone here can be so cavalier about denying children a relationship with their mother? You understand this is buying and selling children, right?
Donating eggs is not being a mother. Donating sperm is being a biological father, but biological motherhood is more complex: it’s not just providing genes (as a bio-dad does), it’s also gestating and giving birth to the child. I mean, think about it: a birth mother who gives her child up for adoption has done a WHOLE lot more to bring that child into the world than an egg donor. But a “birth father” who simply impregnated the birth mother and scrammed hasn’t done any more than a sperm donor.
If you want to use the term “mother” for an egg donor, “genetic mother” makes sense. But it’s absurd to overlook the role of the woman who carried that child for nine months and went through labor or a caesarean to bring it into the world.
I agree with you in the sense that an egg donor is much different than a woman who gives birth, and then gives the baby up for adoption – the genetic mother though, is still a biological mother…different terminology, similar meaning. Giving birth to a child who is not biologically connected to you, is still a larger connection than one that you picked up at the local adoption center. I believe a child who is conceived through an egg donor should still know their biological mother, and learn about their roots..otherwise it’s denying them their fundamental rights in knowing where they come from. Parents who use an egg donor, and then told tell the child, are robbing their children of their genetic truth. It is one thing to be adopted, and to not know where you come from..it’s an entirely different thing, when your parents know where you come from and withhold that information from you for their own selfish reasons.
don’t tell the child** sorry..didn’t proof read
Hi Shayne,
Not telling the child is a completely different thing than just using an egg donor at all. I agree with you, pretty adamantly actually, that it’s wrong to not tell a kid from an early age that they were [insert truth here: donor conceived, adopted, whatever]. Not to mention, it’s stupid and cruel, because the kid is going to find out at some point in their lives and it’s hugely traumatic to find out your parents have spent your entire life lying to you. It’s SO much easier if it’s just something the kid always knew.
But what “Anonymous” was saying in his/her post seemed to be that egg donation is wrong, or that egg donation should only happen if the egg donor is somehow going to play a role in the child’s life. That’s what I was responding to.
You realize that an egg is not a child. Roughly once a month a fertile women will shed an egg. Do you weep for that egg?
And how is it denying a relationship with a mother, the child will have a mother, it’s usually the surrogate except in the case of gay male parents.
Either way, your arguments are based on a undereducated emotional response, not logic.
by the way i was conceived by a donor
Would you rather not exist at all? Those were the options available. Nobody uses donor eggs or sperm as a first resort; they do it because there’s no other way for them to have a baby (adoption is not possible for everyone, and in any case adoption, unlike egg donation, actually does remove you from your biological mother). And the genes that combined to make you would never have combined at all if your parents hadn’t used a donor.
except its not a donor if they get paid
Sure it is: A woman ‘donates’ an egg, and then the agency ‘donates’ a few thousand dollars.
Jerry, I would very much like to get in touch with you to start a dialogue between feminist advocates and the gay community on the subject of third party reproduction. I am a life-long passionate feminist and a member of the board of directors of the National Organization for Women (NOW). As the former Executive Director of Connecticut NOW, I worked hand-in-hand with Love Makes a Family to get equal marriage passed in CT. I also worked very hard to get transgender people included in CT’s hate crimes act. For several years I have been very involved in issues of third party reproduction and exploitation/commodification of women. I work with an international network of feminists and am a contributing author of a call for a UN Declaration on global reproductive trafficking and violations of women’s human rights. I feel very strongly that a dialogue needs to be established between feminist activists and the gay community on how gay men’s desire to have a child/ren they are biologically connected to can be balanced with the serious short and long-term health risks to women who provide their eggs and/or rent their bodies as surrogates, the issues of exploitation of women, particularly financially vulnerable, low income and poor women, and the further commodification of women and their bodies beyond universal sexual commodification. I am impressed by your thoughtful piece on the subject of egg procurement (although I take issue with some aspects of it) and it seems you may be a good person to help me get such a dialogue off the ground. Please contact me if you are interested in this effort to respect everyone’s human rights.
Thanks for writing, Kathy. I appreciate the thought you’ve put into this subject and would be happy to discuss it with you further. I consider myself a feminist, and my initial hesitations regarding surrogacy were out of fear that it was somehow exploitative of women. It was only after my fears were dispelled that my partner and I chose to pursue gestational surrogacy, and I feel confident that both our surrogate and egg donor were treated well and rewarded (and I don’t mean financially) for their participation.
I take issue with the notion that surrogates merely “rent their bodies”. I’d be curious to know if you’ve spoken to any actual surrogates who feel that way, and if so, I’d argue that they shouldn’t be surrogates if that’s their attitude.
By all means, women should be fully informed of the risks of any medical procedure they undertake. Ultimately, there will still be women who, for various reasons, will choose to become surrogates and/or egg donors, and I respect their right to make that choice. I am also grateful that gestational surrogacy brought two amazing women into my family (one of whom was already related, actually) and my children’s lives, and I have nothing but the utmost love and respect for both of them. My partner and I consider them role models for the kids.
Thank you for your response Jerry. I’m happy that your situation has worked out so well for all concerned but that is far from the case with many others. Yes, I have spoken with surrogates who have had horrible experiences. Have you seen the documentary “Made in India” by feminists Rebecca Haimowitz and Vaishali Sinha or “Google Baby” that exposes how impoverished women in India are lined up assembly line-style in bed after bed as virtual prisoners of these clinics, not allowed to leave the clinic for the 9 months’ duration of their pregnancy? Without strict regulation of the $6 billion profit-driven fertility industry, abuses and exploitation of women’s poverty and subordinate status throughout the world increase their exposure to gender-based exploitation and physical harms. In the United States, there is NO regulation of the industry, no oversight, no mandates to disclose clinics’ annual rates, demographics (income & ethnicity), medical and legal outcomes. No regulation permits exploitation, unsafe practices, abuse and fraud. Information (data and statistics) must be obtained to develop legal and regulatory safeguards along with enforcement of laws and mandates. In Europe, surrogacy is an illegal medical procedure and the European Parliament has issued a Resolution stating that surrogacy and egg trafficking constitute an “extreme form of exploitation of women.” I highly recommend that you read GeneWatch magazine’s issue devoted to “The Ethics of Assisted Reproductive Technologies;” I have authored one of the articles on “Abuses of Women’s Human Rights in Third Party Reproduction.” The link is http://www.councilforresponsiblegenetics.org/GeneWatch/GeneWatchBrowser.aspx?archive=yes&volumeId=24&issueNumber=3. Again, I invite you to create a “round table” dialogue on these issues with me and other interested parties.
If anything, my experience has assured me that egg donation and surrogacy can occur without exploitation of women. I’m horrified that it’s not performed that way in other situations. If you’re looking for common ground, I think we’ve found it in the need for regulation of the industry.
Fantastic! New Jersey just passed a commercial surrogacy bill that provides absolutely NO regulation of the industry. I spoke at a press conference at the capitol in Trenton on this along with a diverse group of opponents, including surrogates. The U.S. is 2nd globally in the supply of surrogates after India because of its complete lack of regulation. It’s estimated that 50% of surrogates in the U.S. are “military wives” who represent an ideal supply source for agencies and brokers. They survive on low incomes ($16,000 to $28,000 per year) and tend to marry and have their own children at young ages, so the prospect of doubling their income by serving as a surrogate is a powerful incentive. These women have few legal or regulatory protections, making them sitting ducks for exploitation and fraud. It is no coincidence that surrogacy brokers and clinics are concentrated in areas where there are large military bases. One could also point out that while the military heavily recruits from the working class and poor demographics to provide cannon fodder for endless wars and occupations, these people are doubly exploited for their reproductive capacities by profit-driven private enterprise.
Jerry, I am the producer of the award-winning documentary “eggsploitation” and your post caught my eye, as I so rarely see posts which factually deal with the real risks to a young woman’s health. I encourage you to watch the film to get better informed. I recently screened the film at Stanford University, joined by Judy Norsigian, author of Our Bodies, Ourselves, who told the audience, I tell any woman thinking about doing this NOT to do it. Like my colleague, Kathy writes, I would welcome the opportunity to dialogue.
I’d be happy to talk to you, too, Jennifer. I obviously have a different point of view on the subject of egg donation. There is a dark side to it, for sure, and I applaud your efforts to bring that to light. (I tried to be honest about it myself in my post.) However, in my case and in many others, egg donation is a beautiful, mutually-beneficial arrangement between consenting adults that brings new life and love into the world. I am a strong advocate as you might imagine.
As I told your colleague, I fully support the spread of information on these topics and I wish you the best with your documentary. (I hope that you present both sides of the issue, though the title “Eggsploitation” makes me suspect otherwise. If you need someone to represent the other side, I’d be happy to do so.) No woman should enter into surrogacy or egg donation without being fully informed of the risks, be they physical, psychological, financial or otherwise. I believe that both of the women who helped my partner and me create our family were well aware of what they were entering into and consented fully throughout the process. I thank them every chance I get and remind my children constantly of their gift.
Jerry, if you email me your address I would be happy to send you a copy of the film for free. You say you want women to be fully informed, and I agree. But they cannot be fully informed as we have never, ever done any long-term studies/research on egg donation. It’s very much like the early tobacco industry days when everyone was told smoking is harmless — only when decades later the industry was compelled to do the research and studies were done and low and behold, we found out smoking causes lung cancer and warning labels were placed and smoking was stigmatized as bad and harmful. Regarding presenting “both” sides, I invite you to go on any egg donation /fertility website and see where they tell the side of the women I have met. They tell one story – happy couples with cute healthy babies. As any documentary film does, it tells A story, and I intentionally told these women’s stories. Bright, educated “fully informed” women, who had real serious harms done to them. Surely that must give us pause and demand the research be done.
I would agree that more research should be done, but I don’t think a lack of research compels us to assume the worst.
If egg donors aren’t being fully informed of the risks of the procedures, then perhaps the industry needs to be better regulated. It doesn’t mean egg donation is inherently evil or exploitative of women. I can assure you our egg donor was made fully aware of what she was entering into. Either way, this does not absolve you of the responsibility to present both sides – at least if you consider yourself a journalist rather than a propagandist.
My offer stands. If you’d like to hear more about my story, I’d be happy to share – or you can simply read more of my posts on this blog.
I’ve emailed you my address. I look forward to watching your film.
I don’t consider myself a journalist at all. I’m first a nurse (25 years experience) and have an advanced degree in bioethics and I’m a filmmaker. I think many people confuse the g’enre of documentary film making with journalism. Documentary films by definition – document some aspect of reality, primarily for the purposes of instruction or maintaining a historical record.” I’d welcome hearing your story here on your blog or you can email me.
Fair enough, but if you’re on a mission to scare women out of being egg donors, I hope you’re aware that you may be frightening away some women who would benefit greatly from participating. I have no doubt there are horror stories, but there are happy endings, too, and it would be a shame if those were snuffed out in the name of “protecting” women.
Nope, not trying to scare anyone. Just making the case that there is no way to know which women will have happy endings and which won’t. The women I’ve interviewed (in print and film) were otherwise healthy women, who were working with very reputable agencies (Boston, SF, LA, etc.). No one could have predicted their outcomes. They went through all the screening and were given the green light, and then the shit hit the fan. I just did two more interviews with women a few weeks ago. Many I write and document on the film’s website
I haven’t seen your film yet, but the marketing certainly leads me to believe that fear is a big part of your creative arsenal. The image of the woman with a hand clasped over her mouth, the spooky music in the trailer. You’re certainly entitled to take a position and to sensationalize the topic to arouse interest in your film, but let’s be honest. These are scare tactics.
Jennifer’s technically correct about studies on egg donation, but she’s missing the point: there have been plenty of studies on the health effects of **doing IVF** (which is what egg donors do), and they indicate that there’s no long-term health risk at least up until IVF #6. In other words they’ve studied women who’ve done up to 6 IVF’s and found no long-term health risks. That’s why the ASRM guidelines provide that egg donors shouldn’t donate more than 6 times–because we know that doing IVF up to 6 times it’s safe, but we don’t have data on doing IVF more than six times.
The woman I donated my eggs to recently told me she has begun menopause..and she is too young for it- we don’t know if it would have happened this way naturally, or if hormones the from IVF jump started the menopause process. Her doctor said she believes IVF probably played a part in it…more research obviously does need to be done to know the full effects though. I gained a massive amount of weight when I took hormones to donate my eggs…but again, that also could have been combined with stress of getting another degree and working two jobs at the same time…one can never know the full correlation I think.
I suggest you watch the film, which is going out in today’s mail, then you can weigh in. But suffice it to say, the stories in the film are true, powerful, compelling and say much about a heavily unregulated billion dollars a year industry. The image is provocative and suggestive, fitting with the industry which doesn’t want to be exposed. To be fair, the industry has images and slogans which disgust many of us feminist (e.g. the “our fairy godmother” website, and the sites with suggested gifts for your egg donor – a teddy bear, a starbucks gift card). I do like using the tobacco industry analogy again. You know their latest campaigns which show people with holes in their throats and all the grisly photos: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/15/health/policy/cdc-finances-nationwide-antismoking-ad-campaign-a-first.html/ Should we consider these scare tactics when only about 25% of smokers ever get lung cancer? If the majority of smokers don’t get lung cancer, let alone die from it, why do we work so hard with educational awareness and anti-smoking campaigns? But yet, turn a blind eye and let an otherwise healthy young woman choose to take such risk, pumping her body with powerful hormones we wouldn’t want in our foods we eat or water we drink?
Jennifer, I wonder if you have ever dealt with infertility yourself to be so judgmental on this issue. Or are you arevone of the lucky women who are able to conceive naturally as so many women who dont even want children (or deserve them) do. I personally have been thru the ivf process myself…the nightly injections, the swollen ovaries and the egg retrieval procedure. Yes there are risks and pains involved, however the fertility clinics (at least the ones I have worked with) do inform patients of all of them. The women who choose to donate their eggs for financial or altruistic reasons, are not victims. They are consenting adults. They may or may not regret their decision to donate one day, but isn’t that true with all choices in life. Reading your comments made me sick as so many other narrow-minded, self righteous people do.
Paula, I am asked that question often. Of course there are many things one can speak out about without ever having experienced them. We don’t require only women who have been raped are the ones who can speak about being raped. Same with domestic violence. Fill in whatever. I’m not a scientist but have many thoughts on climate change. Must I remain silent and only be allowed to speak about things I have personally experienced. But to answer your question directly, yes for five years I was diagnosed with “infertility with unknown cause”.
my husband and i have had 10 ivf cycles and all failed we are now going to move on to egg donation and surrogacy , i think people like jennifer and others who condem it are lucky that they are not in the position where they need these services, perhaps they would have a different attitude then, also it appears to me like it is infertile women like me who are exploited on a daily basis by doctors and clinics who never know when they are getting enough money from us. we saved for ten years to afford fertility treatment and nothing is thought of that, also i was refused adoption due to a chronic pain illness!! so surrogacy and egg donation is my only hope of becoming a mother some day and my child will be the most cherised and loved child on this earth and i will alway be grateful and in awe of the wonderful donor and surrogate who helped me become a mother. ( that is assuming it works for me as after 10 failed ivfss we are emotionally and finantially drained and feeling low on hope)
rosebud
Hi Rosebud,
Please try to ignore the people who condemn and judge. There are many more of us, like me, who are rooting for you. I’m so sorry to hear about all you’ve been through. Best of luck with the surrogacy process, and feel free to contact me if I can answer any questions or do anything to help.
Best,
Jerry
Im very interested in donating my eggs! its just the thought of going through an agency…If someone wanted me to do it I would want it private. its cheaper for them and more couples (wives/husbands. Or same sex couples) would be able to start family…I would love to help a couple….actually even a single woman…there are a lot of single women that want a baby and are more than capable to care for a child. If anyone knows someone have then reply to this message. I would love to do this amazing gift for someone!!!!
I hope that every deserving woman that wants a baby…gets one…regardless of how he/she is conceived……if there were more private egg donors and surrogates there would defiantly more children on this earth that are born and taken care of! cause in my eyes too many babies are being born to mothers/fathers that are too selfish to put that precious gift first…my opinion….
Thanks for your comments. It’s good to hear you’re so enthusiastic and committed to egg donation. I decided to remove the comment where you give your email just because I don’t think this is really the right forum to match you with someone looking for an egg donor. If you’re ready to move forward, I advise you to contact a reputable egg donation agency in your area and go from there. Good luck!
Can you or your readers tell me how interested are couples, gay or straight, in a multi-ethnic black woman’s eggs? Is it desirable? I would love to give the gift of donating but from my previous experience my profile sat around for a year or more without any inquiries. The clinic agency couldn’t or wouldn’t offer any ideas. This is something I’m curious to know.
I haven’t given up hope!
It’s awesome that you’re so committed to donating. I would guess most people looking for egg donors want someone who somewhat resembles them or their partner physically and ethnically. If you have a particularly rare ethnic mix that might make it harder to match you up, but don’t give up hope. Maybe there are agencies that cater specifically to certain ethnicities? At worst, know that your intentions were good and the fact that you haven’t been chosen is nothing personal. Good luck!
I was actually looking into possibly donating some eggs – but at 34, I couldn’t find an agency that would take them. I’m still looking for someone who wants my eggs – or at least won’t DENY my eggs based on my age. I understand the whole argument that the older you get, the more likely certain things can happen – but genetically, none of those things exist in my extended family – of over 80 people – some which were born from people over the age of 30.
Thank you for your article. The differing view points are very interesting.
I am 28 years old. I received my master’s degree at 23 and have held a stable and financially rewarding job ever since.
I am currently on my third donation cycle.
The intended parents in all three cycles have been very unique. My first cycle was completely anonymous. I know the name and location of the second recipients, but we have not had contact. The current recipients and I regularly Skype and they’d like me to be as involved or uninvolved in the process as I would like to be.
Overall, my experience has been great. It’s a lot of work–you have many (well over 10) medical appointments per donation, must meet with a psychologist for psychiatric testing, and work with a lawyer that represents only you (the intended parents generally have their own lawyer). The financial benefit has been nice, but the fact that I have helped someone achieve their dream of parenthood is even more rewarding.
It’s not for everyone, but I would not let some of the posts discourage women interested in donating.
Thanks so much for posting this. I’m glad to hear from someone who’s had a good experience with egg donation (besides my own egg donor, of course). I’m especially glad to hear you’ve been able to have an open relationship. What a great thing for everyone involved when it works out that way.
Fantastic post! FYI, I’m 26 and going through the process of becoming an egg donor myself. The agency that I’m working with DOES open donation (which I am opting for).
I’m just now looking into it. I’d love to hear your thoughts. All you can find on the internet are horror stories.
That’s great. So glad to hear there are agencies that do open donation for people who want that. Good luck with everything!
I’ve been doing research on egg donation for the past few days. I must admit, my reasons were primarily financial. I’m applying to grad school and will be in tremendous debt pretty soon. If I wasn’t going to grad school, I probably would have never looked into it. However, before I sound like a horrible person, if I found it at all unethical or life threatening, I would never participate. Money isn’t everything. That being said, I’ve started to think about the actual child that may end up at the end of the spectrum. I’m 28, not currently dating, and I don’t have a crystal ball, so I have no idea if children will be in my future. At first I figured I wouldn’t want to meet the child just in case it created any psychological distress. However, after reading the comments about open donations, I think it could be beautiful. I love the idea of passing off my healthy genes to a couple who needs it, and an open relationship could very much benefit the child. Also, imagine the distress to the donor and the child if after 18 years, the child decides to make contact. Which, I believe, is legal as of 2005. I do worry about feeling an connection that is stronger than I would like, however, the bond of pregnancy, childbirth, and raising is what makes a mother. That is something that can’t be replicated and is what makes the infertile couple the true parents.
I felt terrified about future contact as well when I donated, but I have to say it has been amazing being in contact (and quite close) with my three bio kids and the recipient family. It certainly hasn’t been easy, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I also believe it is really the best thing for the kids to know where they came from. I would strongly encourage you stay open to it. I’d be happy to contact you privately if you would like to chat some more about it.
I agree with one of the prior comments on this post. I considered donating and/or surrogating in the past. Working with an Agency always detoured me because I would much rather assisted a couple who could not afford the inflated Agency fees. It’s too bad nothing exists for women who would consider donating or carrying a child on a low cost or even volunteer no charge basis. Now I’m 37 and much too old to be considered. Had I found the right couple, it would have brought me great joy to give life without the financial burden.
That is a beautiful thought. I’m sorry egg donation and surrogacy didn’t work out for you, but I think it would be wonderful if there were a charitable organization where people could offer their services at reduced costs, or better yet, free. I wish more people could afford surrogacy.
Thanks so much! I just sent in my application so we’ll see if I get a call and get past all the rounds of testing.
I’m so glad to hear you’re considering egg donation. I hope you can chat with some other donors, here on this site, or elsewhere. I know there are horror stories out there, but there are plenty of wonderful stories as well.
I can only imagine what it’s like to donate and then maintain contact with the child that’s created. It has its emotional risks, for sure, but I feel like if you have open communication with the parents and everyone’s on the same page about their expectations, the rewards can be great.
Good luck with everything!
I’m blown away! Am I the only one reading these posts? Does the word selfish still exist? Egg donors for the money. The gay people because they can’t produce a baby with their lover (the reason for sex) so we rob that poor child of a mother and a father to raise them. How did this become o.k. in our world?? Unbelievable….
I hope you get reincarnated with gay parents so yiu will learn what a silly statement that is.
Well, Lester, I agree that it would be amazing if the medical community had plenty of volunteer egg donors, but I’m guessing that since egg donors are in such high demand, that they don’t. Here’s the thing. There might be a number of volunteer egg donors, but the criteria to be accepted is so incredibly high, 95% of them will be rejected. You should take a look at an application. There really cannot be anything physically or mentally wrong with you or your immediate family. It’s understandable. These families are desperate and are paying top dollar. They need to have no doubt that their child has no health problems. So more egg donors are needed because not enough volunteered. Man, I wonder why? Probably because you have to pump your body with hormones and get poked an prodded (EVERYWHERE and EVERYDAY) for 14 days, and the have a surgical procedure. Even with the high compensation, it’s not an easy decision to make. Women have to put their body through the ringer for this. At the end of the day though, a family that ends up with a child of their own probably could care less about the motivations of the donor and would still be eternally grateful.
I stumbled upon your post after perusing the internet for people who might share a similar experience as my own. About 4 years ago a friend of mine, who I had only known for about 2 years told me she couldn’t have children with her husband, and they needed an egg donor. As she described how they want the donor to be, I realized I fit all of their qualifications. My friend was pushing 40, and I was only 23 at the time. I told her I would donate my eggs to them. I felt like I would be doing a huge deed to humanity by helping this couple. After donating my eggs to them, I moved to China for work. I learned she became pregnant with twin girls. When I came back from China I met them 2-3 times. It was a weird feeling at first because they looked like I did when I was a baby. I’ve recently seen them again now that they’re almost 3. I think it is a weird feeling on one hand, because they have my mannerisms, my facial expressions and my *good* looks, but they are being raised by two wonderful parents, and I never once regretted the decision to help them. When they’re older they will find out that they were created through my assistance, and if I ever have my own family I would welcome them into my home for dinner or a chat anytime, and I would tell my own children about them. I am a gay female, and have a long time girlfriend. When I first told her about the twins she was uncomfortable with it, but she now embraces it, and understands why I decided to do it. I know it was the right decision for me, regardless of what my mother, or other people might have thought. I helped create a loving family for two people who wanted nothing more than to have children, and I am also a passive participant in their lives. I think everyone wins.
What a beautiful story. Thanks for sharing it. I’m glad your girlfriend came to understand. We worried about my sister-in-law’s future relationships when she donated eggs to us. Would her future boyfriend/husband want to deal with the baggage of her having donated eggs for her brother? But she told us that anyone she’d be interested in would understand.
That’s exactly right…although I am not raising the twins..they came from my DNA, and they are apart of me. Donating eggs is not like donating blood…there are two little people out there who look, and act just like me. It’s an amazing experiment of nature vs. nurture, because they’ve only met me 4 times and Skyped with me a few times…and yet their mannerisms are very much similar to my own. If someone I was dating was not comfortable with me having donated my eggs to a friend, and me maintaining communication with the conceived children then that is not a person I can be with long term.
IdeaGirl writes:Jennifer’s technically correct about studies on egg donation, but she’s missing the point: there have been plenty of studies on the health effects of **doing IVF** (which is what egg donors do), and they indicate that there’s no long-term health risk at least up until IVF #6. In other words they’ve studied women who’ve done up to 6 IVF’s and found no long-term health risks. That’s why the ASRM guidelines provide that egg donors shouldn’t donate more than 6 times–because we know that doing IVF up to 6 times it’s safe, but we don’t have data on doing IVF more than six times.
IdeaGirl, you are absolutely incorrect on this position the ASRM takes on “6 donations”. It has nothing to do with scientific studies of risk. It is an arbitrary, meaningless number, based on the number of children created by an individual egg donor – meaning 6 ‘seemed’ like a number where children wouldn’t be created and end up growing up and marrying each other. Please produce data you say exists.
Jennifer, it has nothing to do with 6 “seeming like a number where children wouldn’t… end up growing up and marrying each other.” If it did, it would bear some relationship to the number of donations that the ASRM recommends for sperm donors… but it doesn’t, at all. The guidelines for sperm donors are 25 donations per 800,000 population… MUCH higher than the egg donor guidelines. Why? Because donating sperm has no possible impact on a man’s health.
I’ve been considering donating eggs. I asked if I would be able to meet the child, or at the very lest meet the parents, and they said no. They said that prospective parents don’t want to have a third person involved in the kid’s life, but I think it should really be up for discussion between the donor and hopeful parents. I won’t donate unless I can find a group that will let me have some communication with the recipients.
Beth, I agree with you. Donating ones eggs is not the same as donating blood. I donated my eggs to someone I knew so I would always be a passive participant in the children’s lives. The amount of hormones and things I went through for them to be made was too much for me to just pretend I never made children. My friend is a great team player. She sends me pictures, videos, and skypes with me and we’ve met up a few times since the girls were born 2 1/2 years ago. I think it’s important for children to know where they come from, and not to withhold that information because the people raising them want to be selfish about it.
Beth, some IVF clinics and almost all egg donor agencies will facilitate communications and meetings between the parents and the donor if both parties want it. Some clinics don’t want to deal, I guess, with the extra workload of helping to coordinate that and having extra contracts drafted (egg donors sign contracts with the intended parents, and the contract for a totally anonymous donor will have different things in it than the contract for a partially known or fully known donor). But the “no” answer you got from whoever you were asking was just that person’s answer, not the entire IVF industry’s answer. You can choose to be either an in-house clinic donor or an agency donor, and you can choose which of those options you want based on their answer to that question.
That being said, if you feel an attachment to any potential children that is strong enough that you would really want to meet them and be bothered if that couldn’t happen, that might indicate that you’re not really “wired” to be a donor–in other words being a donor might be a bit traumatic for you personally. It’s something to discuss during the inevitable psychological evaluation that clinics and agencies provide to potential donors.