mommydearest

A Gay Dad Wonders… Do My Kids Deserve a Mom?

I almost wrote this post a few months ago when Bristol Palin said something annoying about gay parents.  Now, it’s Rupert Everett who said something annoying about gay parents.  Forgive me, but I’m having a harder time lately getting annoyed.

It’s the same argument every time: hey, moms are great.  Kids should have one.  (Ditto for dads, but I’m covered there — my kids have two!  Whew!)

OK, you win.  Moms are great.  I agree.  I have a mom.  My mom has a mom.  Abraham Lincoln had a mom.  (Turns out she died when he was 9.  Think how much more awesome he would’ve been if she’d lived a little longer.)

So sure, if you have a mom or two, count yourself lucky.  But don’t look down on my family just because we’re different.  You think my kids are better off with some smack-talking piece of trash like Bristol Palin than with me and my partner?  Or do you want to take her kid away, too, because she’s a single mom and a worthless idiot?  Either way, you’re wrong.  (See that, Bristol?  I’ve got your back.)

A model family

It’s almost too easy to make the counter-arguments to the people who insist that all kids should have exactly one mom and one dad.  Yes, there are those studies that say that kids raised with gay parents aren’t any more likely to knock over a liquor store someday than any other kids.  But all that science overlooks an even bigger argument — namely, what if your mom’s an asshole?

Ever heard of alcoholics?  Child abusers?  Dina Lohan?  Ever seen a little film called Mommy Dearest?  Trust me, plenty of gays have seen it, so it’s no wonder we think we can do the job better.

Come to think of it, I should take it easier on Bristol.  Her mom kind of sucks, too.

Lots of mothers are just plain horrible, and if you’re stuck with one of those train wrecks, you have my sympathies — and an open invitation to come hang out at our place sometime.  You’ll love it.  We don’t have any female role models, but we do have all three major video game consoles and a trampoline.  Sweet, huh?

Again, I’m not trying to badmouth moms, most of whom are loving, nurturing, patient, incredibly generous people.  I just think the anti-gay parents brigade are missing the point.  Since when do we expect every single family to fit some ideal of How Children Must Be Raised, and why is that ideal so often limited to gender roles?

Couldn’t you say kids are better off in smaller families, where they can get more attention from their one mom and one dad?  That they’re better off in affluence than in poverty?  With access to health care than without?  With a good education than in an underfunded public school?  With jetpacks and laser guns and a computer chip implanted in their head that helps them do long division?

You can’t just hold up some hypothetical ideal and tell everyone who can’t provide it that they shouldn’t be having kids at all.  Who would be left?  And what if someone in one of those ideal families dies or gets laid off or moves to Cancun with their secretary?  Families face all kinds of circumstances, positive and negative, and they persevere because they don’t have a choice.  That’s why we need families in the first place — to get through all the garbage life flings at us.

Besides, just having one mom and one dad is no guarantee that all the gender-related territory is covered.  Even with straight couples, some dads are girly and some moms are manly.  Just because a kid has a mom and a dad, it doesn’t mean he’s baking cookies with her and driving monster trucks with him.  It could be the reverse, or neither.  Tell me, Prince Charming from Shrek, how much micromanaging of familial gender roles is necessary to protect children?

Deep down, those of us in the trenches know the truth: families aren’t made by a mold.  They’re made by people who love each other, and they come in all different forms, some of which seem weird to outsiders.  Ours has no mom.  Maybe yours lives in a Winnebago or has a reality show on E!  Nobody’s perfect.  But even though we can’t all give our kids everything we’d like them to have, we do our best.

Before we had kids, my partner and I thought a lot about what they would be missing out on with no mommy.  I was satisfied we could still provide them a good home, but I realized I could never satisfy the people who don’t think two dads should be raising a family.  You think my kids deserve a mom?  Fine, maybe you’re right, but they’re not getting one.  I’m just not capable of loving a woman the way I love my partner, so if we’re going to do this, it’s him and me.

And like it or not, we’re doing it.  We have twin 3-year-olds who rely on their two dads to feed them, tickle them, wipe their butts and protect them from monsters — plus a few million other things we do because we love them to an unfathomable, sometimes ridiculous degree.

I know a hypothetical mom might add certain wonderful things to their lives.  I think about that constantly, because like all good parents, I want my kids to have it all.  I worry what’s going to happen when my daughter hits puberty and my partner and I have to Google menstruation to talk her though it.  It breaks my heart when I pick them up from school and overhear the teacher telling the class, “OK, let’s see if your mommies are here to get you!”  At three years old, they already know our family is different.  Someday, they’re bound to hear the hurtful things that Bristol Palin and Rupert Everett and so many other people say about us, and that bums me out big time.

But that’s the world my partner and I chose to bring kids into, and ours is the family we knew they would have.  And you know what?  I still think we made the right choice.  Our family may be a bit different than most, but our kids know that they’re loved and that their two daddies will always be there for them, possibly with a female friend along if we’re buying a training bra or something.

The good news is that, other than the rantings of a few homophobic celebrities (including at least one self-loathing gay man), gay families are getting some pretty good PR these days.  We have sitcoms like The New Normal and Modern Family that make us look (mostly) good, celebrity ambassadors like Ricky Martin, Elton John and Neil Patrick Harris, even the support of the President.  It’s not always going to be such smooth sailing, though.

Someday, maybe even soon, there’ll be a major news story about some horrible gay parents who kept their kids locked in a subterranean torture prison or made them work at an iPad factory or something horrific like that.  You know it’ll happen, because every sexual orientation, not to mention every gender, race, religion, ethnicity, disability status, blood type, Edward-or-Jacob affiliation and grouping of any kind has its share of douchebags.  And when the media circus springs up around Doug and Bob and the half dozen foster kids they used as drug mules, the Bristol Palins and Rupert Everetts will point at them and say, “See?  See???”  Kind of like what global warming deniers might say on a cool day in August.

You know what?  Doug and Bob are jerks.  But if you think that says anything about me and my partner, then so are you.

So I don’t have time to be outraged every time someone in the public eye says something negative about gay families.  It’s going to happen again… and again, and again.  Ultimately, though, it’s not what a few people say but what the rest of us do just by living our lives that speaks the loudest.

*******

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133 comments on “A Gay Dad Wonders… Do My Kids Deserve a Mom?

  1. I always enjoy your articles. Thank you for writing this. As a single mom, with an awesome son, I completely agree that the traditional one mom, one dad family isn’t necessary to raise outstanding kids. It hits home even more when I consider that I was raised in a “traditional” family, and all the scars I’ve carried with me due to the abuse from my dad. While my friends were afraid their parents would divorce when they fought, I used to hope my parents would divorce. That doesn’t mean I’m against a more traditional family, but I certainly don’t think it is the only way, or even the best way. It’s simply one of many ways. What kids really need is for the adults in their lives to be loving, and nurturing sources if stability.
    Unfortunately people will judge on the things that don’t really matter, like gender or number of parents in the home. I wonder if this reflects their own insecurities about their pavilion to provide what really matters. It certainly shows a lack of insight as to what kids really need.
    Btw, if we’re going to judge gay parents base on the worst examples, we also need to judge straight parents based on the worst examples. I doubt you’d find any straight parent who would want to be compared to the parents in abuse cases we see on the news.

    • Meant to say ” I wonder if that reflects their insecurities about their abilities to provide what really matters”. I guess I should proofread before I hit “post” especially when typing responses on a phone :)

    • as a girl raised by a single mom, i wouldnt wish it on someone else, i would never tote it as normal, one mom and one dad is normal and i was happiest when my parents were together. just because something may work out, doesnt mean its ideal, its alternative. the missing link of having a male influence left its mark negatively on me, just as i assume it wouldve if i had not had a female influence. did i live? yes. but like i said the most ideal situation is what every kid deserves

      • I’m sorry you feel that way, but if you read the other comments, you’ll see there are other people raised by single moms who feel quite differently than you do. Just goes to show all families are different.

  2. I absolutely love this. I know plenty of straight people who can’t get it right, so why are we denying you guys the right to try? Your kids may turn out better off than mine, they may not. Straight people have been screwing kids up for centuries.

  3. I had two dads and a mom. My mom was not someone that fit that stereotypical mom mold in any way. She made a bunch of poor choices. Anyway, the point I would make is that when I needed a mom, I didn’t even look to my mom, I found other moms like teachers, neighbors, and my aunts. Now I feel like I have so many moms who have loved me even though the main mom wasn’t who I needed her to be and my dads taught me all the stuff I needed to know about growing up. Your kids are very lucky to have both their dads. I’m a firm believer in the quality of connection in a family being more important than the mechanics of the make up of the family if that makes sense. Cheers :)

  4. As a lesbian mom, I do occasionally think it would be good for my two boys to have a dad, a male role model, someone who would actually enjoy playing football with them. But then other times I think what awesome men they’re going to be, having learned to use power tools from their mom. What it really comes down to, I think, is that kids love the family they grow up in and most of the time don’t miss what they don’t have. Whatever kind of family they grow up in, that is normal for them.

    • Beautifully put. And bravo for you for knowing how to use power tools. I don’t — and I also don’t know how to style my daughter’s long hair — well, I’ve got a lot to learn at least. :)

  5. I love this “– and an open invitation to come hang out at our place sometime. You’ll love it. We don’t have any female role models, but we do have all three major video game consoles and a trampoline. Sweet, huh?”

    When I read it out loud to my boyfriend (who loves gaming), you could see something click in his head and he said ” I’ve never thought about being gay that way before. Honey, you’re great, but I’m going gay!”
    lol

  6. Mom and Dad, Grandma and Grandpa, Dad and Dad, Mom and Mom, Just Dad, Just Mom… I don’t think the titles matter as much as the actions. As my own Dad says, “As long as you make every decision out of love, it will always be the right decision.” See how smart dads are!!

  7. Let me just say that this blog post made my day. I’ve subscribed to this blog for a few months now, and I really appreciate what you have to say. My partner and I are 22, and we dream of someday having children. Your family is an inspiration to both of us.

    • Thanks so much for the comment. I think back to how sad and closeted I was at 22. It makes me happy to know things are better for your generation, and I suspect raising a family will be a smoother ride for you, too, if you choose to have one. Best wishes!

  8. My father died when I was six months old and our family consisted of my Mum, my sister, me and Grandad, my father’s foster father, who was more loving, kind and ‘there’ than any of our blood relatives. When I was 16, my mother remarried to a wonderful man whose children were all grown. (My mother married late & had her children even later, while Dad had married young and had his 1,2,3, so even though they were only a year apart in age, his ‘kids’ were all grown with children, the oldest of whom was only a year and a half younger than I was!) Dad was the only father I knew and not only did his family accept me but so did my sister-in-law’s family to the point I am ‘aunt’ and ‘great-aunt’ to the next generations.

    Some of my friends have had horrific childhoods, and most of them were raised by a mother and a father, so having two parents of opposite gender is NOT a guarantee of anything.

    You and Drew love your children, Jerry, and are doing the best you can (which sounds pretty good to me). I don’t think anyone can ask for more and I’m sure your children will say the same when they’re grown.

  9. I don’t understand the logic of those who would criticize my family based on the fact that my daughters have two dads instead of a mom and a dad. My daughters were conceived using and egg donor and a surrogate. My children would never have existed if we had not employed this method. It’s not like my husband and I were going to have sex with the anonymous egg donor. The choice for my kids was between non-existence and us as parents. I certainly don’t claim to be a perfect parent, but my kids are happy, well-cared for and well-provided for. How would non-existence be “better’ for them than having my husband and I as parents? I am not particularly religious, but this is presumably the same choice God (being omniscient) made when he chose to create a world that would eventually be imperfect. Existence is a good that makes all other goods possible. Blanket condemnations of alternative families often contain similarly illogical propositions. Has no one ever taught these naysayers how to think?

    • I hear you, Tom. I’ve thought the same thing, and as you know, our family is very similar to yours. As to whether some people would prefer non-existence for our kids, I try not to think too much about that. We were going through in vitro in 2008, in the midst of all the Prop 8 craziness. I was convinced if the kooks fighting against gay marriage only knew what Drew and I were up to, they’d be coming for us instead (or next).

    • You’re trying your best to force this heterosexual dream that is nonexistent. The truth of the matter is, if your kid wanted to know whom their mother was, you took that away from them because the arrangement wasn’t about them, it was about yourself.

      Here are the words of a sperm donor kid:

      “Synthesis of Loss

      I am feeling extreme anxiety because I can foresee what lies ahead but I am powerless to stop it. It is like foreknowledge the car is about to crash, without the power to apply the brakes. Market deregulation. Thousands, millions of children growing up to make sense of the confusion of deliberate family dislocation and a fractured identity and the loss of being raised by their family of origin, who alone can reflect their looks, interests and personality and help them find their place as a link in the chain of their kin.

      Donor conception is wrong because it is geared towards fulfilling the needs of adults – at the expense of the needs of the child. Circumstances vary, but the bottom line remains the same. People believe they have a right to a child and are therefore entitled to remove a child from its kin to be raised by an alternative family. If people have a ‘right’ to a child then the child loses its autonomy as a human being. Conceived with a technique that has its origins in animal husbandry, fused from two people who were never in love, never danced together, never even met, further erodes our sense of humanity. The most primal need of the child is to be loved, valued and raised by its parents. Donor conception interferes to pervert the relationship between the child and their biological parents.

      Children of surrogates are told “the woman who gave birth to you is not your ‘real mother,’ she was just a handy womb.” The real mother is the woman who provided the egg.’ Children of egg donors are told “your ‘real mother’ is the woman who gave birth to you, the woman who provided the egg is ‘just a donor.” Adults willing to procreate with the intention of not parenting the child are held in high esteem. It is madness. Donor conception should be subject to the same tests as adoption. A court should transfer parenting rights to the commissioning parents only if it can be proved that it is in the best interests of the child not to be raised by their biological parents.

      I feel tremendous empathy for the next generation of ART babies, struggling to conform to the extreme pressure to be the smiling babies advertised on the websites and clinic walls. Never betraying their loyalty to their legal parents by identifying their loss. This next generation will struggle even more because they will be told they were ‘lucky’ enough to be raised in the ‘perfect model’ of donor conception. They get to know their donors name. What more do they want? At least people admit mistakes were made in my generation.

      Society keeps repeating the folly of separating children from their families to fulfil the huge demand for children, as we have seen with child trafficking in Haiti and service providers organising third world adoptions of ‘orphans’ with living parents. Donor conception has more of a veneer of respectability, but the ethical considerations concerning the vulnerability and powerlessness of the child are the same.”

      http://anonymousus.org/stories/index.php

  10. People need kind, responsible people to take care of them. If one has great parents, great. If one has great, gay parents, it’s great, great blessing! Not traditional but sometimes, it’s more special.

  11. My grandmother was a self absorbed asshole, who never knew the treasures she had under her roof, my mom and aunt. They broke the mold and became the type of mother to their own kids, they never had themselves.

    Having a mom is no guarantee of anything. Having parent(s) who love you, that’s the best start.

    Your twins have twice as much as many.

    • Sorry to hear about your grandma. Again, it’s just evidence that even shitty parents can produce great kids. I’m hoping we have one of the great parents/great kids families… we’ll see if the kids someday write a book about us. :)

  12. superb as always Jerry! every bit true–and it is not about a mom or a dad–you said it–it is about a parent. kids need supportive parents–does not matter which sex! and bennet and sutton have it with you and drew–case closed!!

  13. Here here I’m a mum, I’m straight and I raise my kids with my boyfriend, my kids have different dads because I married way to young and grew apart from my husband and my daughter (8) gets looked down upon because of the choices I made. I tell her chin up you have 3 parents who love you which is more than a lot of kids have! You kids are blessed to have 2 loving parents!
    Oh and don’t worry I will be googling how to explain puberty to my daughter too how the hell do you approach that?!?!
    People need to shut it seriously it’s 2012 and there are bigger, Badder things to worry about instead of two loving people raising loving children in a safe and loving environment.
    Keep doing what your doing your blogs get me through the shittiest days :-) x

  14. i must say, i was a little outraged by rupert everett’s claim… granted, as you say, the poor guy is apparently consumed with self-loathing, and stakes his claim on what his mother wishes (who btw, is clearly not supporting him, because which supporting, accepting parent would tell their child that????), but then again, show some solidarity, man!
    i stand firm on my opinion that two parents are by far better than one (or none), so why not give it a rest? homophobia is such an unnecessary evil! boo rupert, boo. go have a chat with your mom.

  15. An excellent, very well thought-out piece as usual. And people must stop bashing single mothers. I raised my son entirely by myself after his father abandoned us when I discovered I was pregnant. I never received a penny in child support and although I’m highly educated (a Master’s in International Relations), I’ve often lost jobs working for non-profit organizations as an advocate and lived in poverty. Nevertheless, my son is now 19, in his 2nd year of college as a film studies major and made the Dean’s List both of his first semesters. He has never been in trouble, has always been extremely mature for his age, is very responsible, and is a thoughtful young man who cares deeply about the environmental destruction of the planet. So I say to people who bash single mothers and claim (erroneously) that a child needs two parents to grow up healthy and well adjusted, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about! With a powerful love and constant support, my son has grown up to be an exemplary member of society.

  16. Two loving and attentive parents is always a net gain, no matter what the gender. Unless you guys move to some strange man-only island, your kids will have plenty of female influences in their life, even without a traditional mom. Brilliant post Jerry. Thanks!

    • Thanks, John. It is like some people think kids with gay parents don’t have any exposure to the opposite gender at all. If nothing else, there’s TV, which is probably a bigger influence on kids than any of us can ever hope to be.

  17. Some moms ARE terrible. I had, despite all of her efforts, a pretty terrible mom who just had babies b/c that’s what she was told she was supposed to do (she’s a great grandmother now, so all is forgiven – thanks therapy!). Not all moms have a “maternal instinct.” Alas, this is heresy. I have so many hetero-coupled friends where the mom has happily given up the “maternal” role and Dad is coming in to do the cuddling and first few years of child-rearing. I say, give a kid at least one good parent to get them through, and two to really spoil them. Keep on keepin’ on!

  18. Should be titled: “A gay dad talks vehemently defends gay parenting”

    I hope that, when you’re not writing your blog, you invest some serious considerations into ways a gay couple might provide multi-gender guidance and role models in a single-gender relationship.

    When it comes down to it, there will always be people in the world who’s views offend you. The important thing is to do what’s right by the kids, and there may be some unique challenges related to raising children in a gay household that ought to be considered.

      • There was a typo in my opening statement because I changed it, and left the word “talks” in, and there’s no edit comment function.

        Should be titled: “A gay dad vehemently defends gay parenting”, and the point being “A Gay Dad Wonders… Do My Kids Deserve a Mom?” was ingenuous. At no place in this article, do you wonder if your kids deserve a mom. It’s just a vehement defense of gay parenting.

        What I meant to say was that I expected this article to actually have some intelligent consideration of how a gay couple might proactively anticipate issues related to having children of a gender that neither parent shares.

        The post wasn’t about that at all. It was a politically-charged defense of gay parenting with little substance related o whether there was anything you could do for your daughter to ensure she’s have enough in the way of strong female roll models and guidance.

        More along the lines of “They’re wrong and I’m right, yea”. They are wrong, but you’re not right unless you treat parenting seriously, and not as a political statement. Gay couples can be terrific parents, but how to ensure that boys and girls have good role models isn’t something you should completely sweep under the rug as mindless ammunition from opponents. It’s something you should seriously consider.

        Anyway, I was expecting an introspective article examining a phenomena, and what I arrived at was a politically charged defense of a position.

    • What I said, but don’t waste your breath his parenting is more about himself playing daddy than it is about his children, TRUST ME. He even said, when it comes to parenting you do whatever works for you (as the parent). Never going out of your way for your kids. 50% of gay parenting is selfish, but pitied because of the bullying issue.

  19. It seems to me that your child(ren) have enough parents, but a few aunties can provide the feminine energy to balance their lives. Don’t second-guess yourself, Hon. You and your hubby will do fine.

  20. Yes, yes, yes, yes!
    And I love the bit about Abe Lincoln. Love.
    No child can/will have it all. The best parents do the best they can with what they’ve got.
    As for the idiots… Well… You’ve pretty much covered it. Let them sit in their stew of ignorance.
    I totally have to look up “The New Normal” now. GF and I have been looking for new shows to watch. Don’t worry. I’ll give you the credit! :)

  21. Good lord….there are too many people with too much time on their hands speaking out about stuff (a) they don’t have a clue about and (b) should mind their own business about. If celebrities or anyone has got time to think about other people’s lives and spout off about them, they should get a life. I grew up in a single family home in the 60s and people were constantly proclaiming we were all going to hell in a hand basket. Seriously. Your family has just what it needs: lots of love. And a sense of humor.

  22. I love reading your posts I completely agree that non traditional families are just as great as traditional ones. My dad is gay(realized when i was about 6) and his partner is basically a stepdad to me, although i live with mom i dont get along with her so my dad and his partner have always been their for me and when i think of my family i think of me, my dad and stepdad not as much me, mom, dad.

  23. I love reading your blog! This was an especially good post, it reminded me of a great Jodi Picoult quote from my favourite of her books “it’s not gender that makes a family; it’s love. You don’t need a mother and a father; you don’t necessarily even need two parents. You just need someone who’s got your back.” You seem to be doing a great job with your kids so far, and when it comes to things like explaining menstruation to your daughter, that’s what Google and female friends are for! My aunt was the one who explained it to me anyways, not my mom. Positive female influences come in many forms, and I’d rather have two awesome gay dads then a horrible mother and father like some of my friends ended up with.

  24. You are two wonderful and loving dads. From the very moment I met you at St. Jude I knew those babies were in a world surrounded by love. Why can’t people just be happy seeing kids being well taken care of? Why must it involve their opinion? Keep doing what your doing and come back and have more any time you want! I know my world is bigger and broader thanks to you and your partner !
    Xoxo katye

  25. Pingback: A Gay Dad Wonders…Do My Kids Deserve a Mom? — The Good Men Project

  26. I was raised by a single mom and never met my sperm donor. I wasn’t harmed in any way be being raised in a “non-traditional” family. My mom had the courage to do what she needed to do to be a good person and to raise strong, independent kids. I appreciate that. If she had been the “he” instead, the result would have been the same. She/he’d have raised strong and independent kids because she/he was a smart, strong person and a great role model. How could Bristol Palin hope to be any more than what she is? Look how she was raised and who raised her!

  27. There is so much I could rant and rave and say about this whole topic but I’ll try to keep in reasonable. Ignoring the idiots like the Palins who use hate and ignorance to try to keep themselves famous, the reality is that there is research after research that shows that the main thing children need is at least one close, connected adult that has the ability to keep them safe and make them feel like they are loved and special. Two people are better. In fact, the more people in that circle, the better off everyone is (does that mean we should all have 4 parents now??). Gender is irrelevant. There is nothing at all, ever, in research that says parents need to be made up of one male and one female. Those are social and religious rules imposed for various reasons that have nothing to do with the best interests of the child. It’s great if you can have positive and connected males and females as part of your child’s life because then they get to experience different relationships but it is not necessarily to a child’s healthy development.

  28. I can’t stand when people treat parenting as if it’s a competitive sport. You obviously love your children, and they’re lucky to have you and your partner! My mother grew up with a mother and a father who were horribly abusive. I’m sure she would have traded her childhood experience for one with two loving mothers or father in an instant.

  29. Pingback: Lalala….I can’t hear you…. « If you would not be forgotten

  30. I guess the issue is because your kids don’t have moms they are missing out on:

    a) a nautral relationship with the person who carried them for nine months. (Babies bound with their mother in the womb and most psychologists recommend they co-sleep with their mother on the first night to aviod “mother-baby separation” that can take a lot of phycjological tolls later in the future and cause the child stress)

    b) breastfeeding and all its benifits. The nautral way for children to feed is not power from a can, but the human milk from mom’s breast. And this has many phychological benifits because, it’s natural.

    c) (if you are raising females) a close relationship with a member of the same sex in their daily lives to relate with (periods, boobs, boys, babies in the womb)

    d) Mother’s Day

    e) the ability to call a female “mom” like all societies and cultures did before gays started raising kids

    So in my opinion, your kids do deserve moms (hence: why it took a sperm, a egg and a womb to make them). So please, don’t pretend your some striaght couple who’s just a little different (ie. a polygamous family or a differen culture) when there are some beyond obvious differences and perhaps disadvantages to parental arrangements like this. Moms and dads are important (hence: the reason why a lot of lesbigay couples are coming to their senses and are deciding to co-parent) and it seems every culture and society recognizes this instead of the LGTB community. You’re not straight, you weren’t a infertile couple unable to conceive naturally, you are two men. Accept it and rear children accordingly instead of living in a fantasy land.

    • So your solution is for me to co-parent? Look, I’m all in favor of conscientious co-parenting, but it’s not the setup I wanted for my kids. I didn’t have any women in my life who I wanted to create that kind of permanent bond with or who I shared parenting ideals with. I wanted to parent with my partner and give my kids the stability of living in one home.

      I can’t say I agree with A and B either. Again, it’s nice if you go on living with the person who gives birth to you, and it’s nice if she can breastfeed you, but that’s just not always possible. Some kids get put up for adoption, some moms can’t breastfeed. Life goes on. I assure you my kids haven’t been permanently psychologically scarred because they came home from the hospital with us and drank formula.

      As for C, we have plenty of wonderful women in our lives who can discuss periods, boobs & babies in the womb with our daughter, if she’d prefer to hear about those from a woman. When it comes to boys, her dads have that topic covered. :)

      • “Some up for adoption, some moms can’t breastfeed. Life goes on. I assure you my kids haven’t been permanently psychologically scarred because they came home from the hospital with us and drank formula”

        No but their parents always feed them grade b food, and it wouldn’t been nearly as beniicial and healthy as Natural (a word that scares homosexuals) as breast milk niether would it have the digestive, immune system, vitamins and mentral heterosexual couples can provide their children on demand. The lackinf gay couple feeds the powder from a cow.

        In addition you see that those situations are not intentional but your situation was intentional and it was completely for yourself?

        Here’s some benifits to boobs:

        http://m.dummies.com/how-to/content/comparing-formula-and-breast-milk.html

        What I hate most about this movement of motherless Children sold to off-balance couples is how they piggy back from situations that are out of human control.

        A man shoots another man intentionally, another man shoots a man when aiming for a charging buck and feels guilty about the reality but tries to make the best of it. The man who shoot intentionally is called a sick murderer but his defense is “what about that man over there who shoot a person too? Are you going to make people who shoot others bad people? What about the soilders fighting for our country? They kill people too! You’re not being fair to others!”

        A mother is at a financial crises, her partner abandoned her after her child was born and she cannot breastfeed her child, she has to work, so sadly she feeds the child formula and is happy the baby is at least eating.

        A gay couple who has every bit of control over their children’s lives, has the power to put a mom in their life to give them all the things they need health wise and physiologically wise, but for their own covienance they choose not to, take the child from its mom at birth and feed it formula because *they want to and *they don’t feel it’s important. The baby suffers stomach issues, and isn’t getting the proper nutrition nature wanted it do, because of her beloved dads who contracted her from the person who’s naturally suppose to be feeding her.

        You’re not a single dad who did all you could, you are a dad out for youself.

      • “As for C, we have plenty of wonderful women in our lives who can discuss periods, boobs & babies in the womb with our daughter, if she’d prefer to hear about those from a woman. When it comes to boys, her dads have that topic covered.”

        Isn’t it sad you’re at a disadvantage thrice! :D Not only can’t you provide nautral breastmilk; the best nutrition for your children, not only can you not provide a newborn the person she wants to be with first, you also can’t provide your daughter with someone to answer her womanly questions without running to your *Straight friends! And you’re telling me homosexual parenting isn’t a deficit? Face it, you all are practically handicap everyone supports you because of pity, you cannot provide (nor do you have the potential) everything needed to make a family by yourself or naturally:

        1) eggs
        2) womb
        3) breast milk
        4) the newborn’s rightful co-sleeper
        5) a woman to basically mother your daughter

        You have to go to your *straight friends your *straight aunts and *straight surrogate to fill in you lack as a homosexual couple and everything a heterosexual couple can do:
        •without manipulating nature with testube babies
        •without paying for it
        • on demand NATURALLLY.

        And you all preach you don’t need a woman, lol! XD

  31. Also, I beg your pardon for the grammar and the spelling. I typed this reply in my iPhone and the autocorrect is really really off.

    The studies on gay parenting proved that children are not affected by the gay dads or gay moms gender-wise, or sexual attraction-wise but most kids do want relationships with their bio-creators like you did
    (AnonymousUs.org to read the heartbreaking stories)

    The best possible situation for a child is for a baby to grow in mom’s tummy hang out with her for a couple of years while breastfeeding on her. Get to experience parental love from the opposite sex parent and see how daddy looks different from mommy, daddy plays differently from mommy, daddy feels differently from mommy and daddy talks differently from mommy. The kids also get to see two opposite sex parents preform as good role models to their different sex kids. Often resulting to why Timmy thinks daddy is his hero, and why Sally thinks mom is the best woman in the world (notice how I said lathing about gender roles). Opposite sex parents (when behaving right) bring some good parental ups to the table than a same sex couple doesn’t. Babies do best with their mother for their first 5 years of life (which is why co-sleeping with mom, extended breastfeeding and moms staying at home to run pre-k is often encouraged)

    Children want to follow the people that look like them physically (these basic primal instincts of follow the leader is how children learn about their sex), most children want to have a relationship with both sides of the gene pool all their grandparents, children want to be able to fit in with their peer groups. Boys, when its a option, will usually hang out with dad, girls, when its a option, will usually hang out with mom. Meaning when having the choice they do want to experience and explore the opposite sex adults in the comfort of their household they will soon look like in the future.

    Yes, same sex couple raising kids can be done, by studies many turn to their STRAIGHT friends to be role models to their fatherless or motherless kids, its not nearly as beneficial and wholistic as mom and pap. And there are many kids in these types of home who could agree the missing mom or dad matters too (one in particular is my neighbor who has two moms and still wants her daddy)

    • There is a lot of arrogance in your comment — the whole “my way is the best way and should be the only way” mentality many parents have. You’re entitled to your opinion, but it’s clear you and I disagree on many aspects of raising a child, not just on which genders of parents they should be able to have. Personally, I’m of the mind that none of us have all the answers. We all do what works for us. And kids whose parents have a parenting philosophy, whatever it may be, are much better off just because it’s clear their parents actually care about raising them right.

      I’m sure your intentions are good. You want the best for your kids — and mine, too. I want the same things. The difference is I trust my own judgment when it comes to my kids, and I think you have the right to do things your way. You want a family with a dad and a mom? Go for it. That’s not my family, and if you feel sorry for my kids as a result, so be it. Until they’re old enough to pass judgment on how they were raised, I’m going to do what a parent is supposed to do and raise them the way I think is right. They’re awesome kids, and amazingly happy, so I have every reason to believe I’m doing an OK job, despite of what a few strangers who don’t know us may think.

      • Doesn’t stop you from bring a deficit lacking family that will never be as great as a mom and dad home. You will always be the dad who bought his kids and took them from their moms so he can play daddy and pretend it no different.

        It’s not arrogance it’s the reality most homo-folks don’t want to face, your family is built on media pity and brainwashing Children, and keeping them away from their biological parents.

        Ps: “I didn’t want to co-parent”

        Way to put your kids first before your own personal desires. Did it ever cross your mind “hmmm what if my daughter is more of a mom girl? What if my son is more of a momma’s boy?” No of course because its all about you. Not about what’s the best possible situation for your children

  32. Wow, how aweful, gay guys rich and selfish buy a human baby away from a women who is so desperate for money that she sells away part of herself. I don’t think I want the spawn of any women willing to give up her child for money living in my child’s world. I can’t even imagin giving up my children for any amount of cash, hell, even in the wild a female bear will face down a gun to save its child…you don’t see a MALE bear do the same thing. Men are not at all as nurturing as women, my husband is a great dad, trampolines, baseball, football, amusement parks but I fix booboos and cradle at night when sick.

    I have never met a man who can do that better, all of my friends, everyone around me has had loving and nurturing male and female parents. So sad that the majority of posters on this site had such awful parents, I guess comparing the worst parents to gay ones would make since then.

    • If you were trying to demonstrate how loving and nurturing you are with this comment, I think you may want to take another shot at it. Let’s just say I’m glad my kids (I don’t consider children “spawn”) are in my care, not yours. And if your husband doesn’t fix booboos or cradle at night, maybe you should consider whether he’s the problem, rather than all men.

      I’m also disappointed you have such a cynical view of surrogacy. I maintain it was a wonderful process that benefited all of us — my partner and me, our surrogate, our egg donor and the kids (who wouldn’t be here otherwise). None of us would change a thing. If it doesn’t appeal to you, don’t do it… but then you never really had to consider it, since you are an apparently fertile, married heterosexual woman. Lucky you. For the rest of us, things are more complicated. I wonder what you would do under different circumstances.

      Thanks for commenting.

      • Hey you know what? I think I will just bow out now, I will try to support my nephew the best I can. He was raised by two very loving parents (my brother and his wife have been married 30 years and home schooled all their kids) and even sent him to Italy for a semester for his Art major. Maybe they should have watched more TV because they never picked up on the fact he was gay. They still don’t know, he told us cause we are Californians. I know you don’t understand this but just because you are gay, does not mean it’s normal. It’s like deaf people who insist that their deaf kids remain deaf because it’s normal for them. How sad.

        I have read more of your blog and see that you are just getting info so you can write a book about your family. About how you were given your hand in life and cheated to create what you invision as a family for yourself I do see that you use the work “I” a lot. “I” came to an understand, “I” became comfortable, did you ever think of the kid? Some of your statements are even more callus, as if these children’s feelings don’t even matter. They are simply a blank slate, what they never get they won’t miss. When you write your book I’m sure you will leave out the part where your son or daughter may ask for a mommy some time in the future. You have my permission to use my statement from my last post to help her get through that “want”.

        Oh I did find a YouTube channel called “Gay Family Values”, those two guy have adopted a couple of kids and I do get to ask questions. I just need to concentrate on my Nephew, keep him alive and happy and see where it goes.

      • Hey, you know what? You’re right. Let’s not even debate this. Before we can have an intelligent discussion, we need to come from a place of mutual respect, and I think you’re FAR from having the necessary amount of respect for me, or any gay person for that matter, to have that kind of talk.

        You want to do something to support your nephew? Put him in touch with one of these organizations:

        The Trevor Project
        http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
        866-488-7386 (toll-free hotline)

        It Gets Better Project
        http://www.itgetsbetter.org/

        GLBT National Youth Talkline
        1-800-246-7743

        Better still, consider consulting PFLAG (Parents & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) yourself. They have chapters all over the country, and you can meet other people who’ve dealt with situations like yours, many who started out with mindsets just like yours. You can find a local chapter here:
        http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=803

        I’d also be happy to talk to your nephew myself, but I’m guessing you’d rather steer him elsewhere, which is fine. The most important thing is that you support him and, like you say, keep him alive and happy.

        Good luck to you and your nephew.

      • ” but then you never really had to consider it, since you are an apparently fertile, married heterosexual woman. Lucky you. For the rest of us, things are more complicated. I wonder what you would do under different circumstances”

        So is homosexuality really a sexual deficit? Since you all make up 4% of the whole population, are not fortunes with natural fertility, and you have to buy your kids as the infertile couple you are? I say, gays, make up your mind! Is it a deficit, or a disease or not, because it sure looks the way you’re comparing yourselves to infertile couples and single parents who try to give the best you can with what you have seems like a illness to me that you’re prideful for, of course ;)

    • Agree to a extent. Only the selfish rich gays buy human beings, the humble selfless ones who take time to consider the possible needs of their future kids, go to coparent with sweet lesbian couples.

      Visit the PDF for Prospect Queer Parenting, basically tells a story of how not all gays make children with practical strangers and force these women to give up their children for money, some meet and befriend the moms, and raise the children together. The baby is bought or sold and has four doting parents who took time to think about them, reflect on their needs and their wants, not the parents.

  33. Thanks for responding, but I really have to disagree. You do understand that being a caring “mother” does not mean you always say “yes” to everything your child wants. I would say to a person who can’t have a child the exact same thing I said to my child when she wanted some she could not have…”go ahead and cry, throw yourself on the floor and rage against the pain you feel for not being able to have that (toy, object, place on the team, etc.) I’m not leaving you alone and when you are ready to move on I will be here to help you.”
    See, I’m reading your blog because my nephew is coming out, he lives in North Carolina and I’m in California. He thinks we “ALL” know about gays and are so 100% for them, what the hell does that mean? I have started reading blogs, YouTube channels, google research and I must say that when I voted for marriage equality I never thought I would be voting AGAINST women but I think I am doing that if all Gay Men feel they now have a “right” to buy children from less fortunate women. I have read that your egg donor (wow I really hated writing that) was your sister in law (maybe you’re not married but it’s the same thing) so how will that work? She is their mom/aunt, her kids are their siblings/cousins? How can all that be good for a child? There are over 150,000 kids in the US waiting to be adopted, but gay men don’t want “used” kids, they want new ones?
    The more I read on this subject, the more I’m not sure where I should stand. Am I on a slippery slope, voting my humanity away because a small group of human anomalies (yes technically you are, I’m an analyst by trade) start demanding what the majority have? Ok, I will stop…I’m sorry but this just hurts to think about. P.S. Don’t even get me started on Celebrities Gays that tout their children on a web site call “Just Jared” those kids are so screwed. And what the heck is it with all the gays at Gay Pride parades (I went to show support and came away feeling violated)…just an excuse to see other men naked? Wow…Please HELP (I bet your come back will be ”there is no help for you” ;) )

    • You go girl! Well spoken and well said. There are soooo many blogs and sites out there made by donor kids about donor conceived kids talking about how they hate the reality they were bought and sold. I see it this way: if they care I care too. I don’t take pity on a person who’s only interested in himself and his wants. But unfortunately most of the media does.

    • And don’t even get me started on those pride parades its just live gay porn (that the gays feel confortable bringing their kids to) and them showing off the latest kids they recently bought from a surrogate.

    • ‘See, I’m reading your blog because my nephew is coming out, he lives in North Carolina and I’m in California. He thinks we “ALL” know about gays and are so 100% for them, what the hell does that mean? I have started reading blogs, YouTube channels, google research and I must say that when I voted for marriage equality I never thought I would be voting AGAINST women but I think I am doing that if all Gay Men feel they now have a “right” to buy children from less fortunate women.’

      Whoa. Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Sarah Jessica Parker and Sandra Bullock (yeah, yeah, a very incomplete list, but I’m lazy…deal with it) are gay men? Huh. Who knew.

      ‘I have read that your egg donor (wow I really hated writing that) was your sister in law (maybe you’re not married but it’s the same thing) so how will that work? She is their mom/aunt, her kids are their siblings/cousins? How can all that be good for a child?’

      I’m going to use small words, in hopes of helping you understand…please, make sure you have a dictionary nearby: the egg donor is the AUNT of these children. Her child/children are COUSINS to these children. I’m pretty sure these relationships work along the lines of the offspring of double cousins. Nothing complicated, creepy or unhealthy for the children about it. And honestly, really handy in case of medical emergency (not that we want this, or expect it, but a really cool perk all the same).

      ‘There are over 150,000 kids in the US waiting to be adopted, but gay men don’t want “used” kids, they want new ones?’

      This really made me giggle a little bit. You see, it’s kind of a well known fact that couples consisting of one man and one woman who are unable to have children together the old fashioned way have utilized the help of surrogates. Like, for years this has been going on. Really. It isn’t a new thing that gay men invented recently. Some couples consisting of one man and one woman choose to adopt a child that isn’t genetically theirs, and this is very cool stuff. Some couples consisting of one man and one women choose to have a child that is genetically theirs, and this is also very cool stuff.

      As far as the a mom and dad versus two dads, versus two moms, versus one dad versus one mom raising children goes? Love isn’t a gender, and it isn’t a number. It’s unconditional.

      I could say more stuff, but I’m tired. And, honestly, a little bored. But mostly I’m feeling sorry for you, because I don’t think you’re nearly as stupid or ignorant as you’ve attempted to present yourself as being. I’m afraid you’ve probably just chosen to be miserable in general, which means you’re missing out on really good stuff in life. And that makes me sad for you. Okay, that’s all, buh-bye.

  34. I think there’s one major thing that gay people can give to their kids: the confidence that they were wanted, they were not an accident,, there’s nothing that can be more reassuring for a child than knowing his parents not only accepted him, or dealed with him, or wanted him,, but went extra miles to have him,, few straight people spend so much time considering the option of having a child, spend so much energy trying to figure it out if they can be good parents, spend so much money trough the process,, gay people sacrifice a lot to get to that point, and they don’t do it unless they are confident they have a strong relation,, and that’s another important thing in child emotional development, the feeling of a safe home, that you don’t simply get if your parents love you, or if you have a traditional family, but when the parents love eachother,, kids feel that connection,, they don’t care about the gender of their parents, but the connection between the parents,, I think all who blame or cannot accept a gay family are hypocrites,, if they care so much about child safety, they should ban lots of people from having kids, just because they don’t feet in the perfect parent picture,, but no, a 13 years old girl can have sex in a club and get pregnant and it would be easier accepted in our society,, apparently, she can give more to a kid, even if she is a kid herself, than a couple of gay man,, and when it comes to lesbians, it’s not any easier,, I don’t know about US, but there are many places where being a women doesn’t help too much, if you don’t marry a guy,, so,, one mom is great,, two moms,, not so much,, we should stop looking at so called perfect families, that look perfect, but nobody knows what happens in their family in fact,, people die, get divorced, re-marry, raise kids alone, raise kids in two,, man or women,, the love and devotion you give to a child makes you a parent,, not those 9 months you carry a baby,, if that would make you a loyal parent, no natural mother would have ever killed her kids,, and there are plenty,, furthermore, gay people are not always joyful, full of energy, adorable, nor straight people are, but we are all trying to do our best, and we will all make mistakes during the process, and we will all learn in time to be better people, colleagues, parents, lovers,,
    straight people have the chance to show how good people they are for a long time now,, they raised the most amazing and also the most horrible people in the world, because back then there were no gay parents, so for all the people that ever existed they are responsible,, maybe if gay people would have the chance to prove their point, the world would have more happy people who accomplished a dream, more miserable children finding families, and in the end more balance,,
    I do have the desire, the brain, the money, the need to have a baby,, I just hate that I do not have this chance, while others have it and don’t give a s*** about their kids,, it’s unfair,,

    • Good points. I’m sorry that you don’t have the right to have kids where you are. Can I ask where you live? I checked out your blog but it was in a language I don’t understand. I definitely feel grateful to live at a time in history and a place in the world where I can have the family I have. I know it’s a privilege very very few people have, and I really hope that changes wherever you are very soon. Thanks for following my blog.

  35. Pingback: Past Posts Revisited: How to Talk to Your Children About Gay Parents, by a Gay Parent | Mommy Man

  36. This is why we have things called Aunts and Uncles and Grandma’s and Grandpa’s and if we have none of those, we have close girlfriends and boyfriends who can step in and help us raise our children. When I was a single parent, my girls had no father to speak of (their father is/was a douchebag alcoholic who neglects them to no end) so the only way to have the girls get their “manly” influence was through great friends of mine who helped them learn how to ride a bike, to swim, and ran outside to intimidate the little boys who made my oldest daughter cry when she was 6 years old. They are not worse off for not having a daddy present all those years – in fact, I think they are better off having good “role” models than having to deal with my poor choice earlier in life. For those who think that only the biological parents can give children what they need – Pffftt.

  37. Hello! I could have sworn I’ve been to this blog before but after reading through some of the post I realized it’s new to me.
    Anyways, I’m definitely happy I found it and I’ll be bookmarking and checking back frequently!

  38. I just found your blog today – it’s wonderful! This is a lovely entry. My wife and I have twin daughters, and I can relate to much of what you write about.

    Also, your children are so cute!
    ~Kristy

  39. Don’t you ever wonder if those children you have might want to know who their mother is? Do you know who the mother is? Most importantly, do you care? Sure there are people out there who should not have kids, but that is no excuse to rob children of a mother or a father. If your gay, I’m sorry to hear that. It must be difficult and honestly hope the best for you. However, please, don’t take it out on a poor unsuspecting kid. Just remember, 2 men can not produce a child together. It’s not a coincidence. Listen to your conscience .

  40. Pingback: A Special Sunday: A Mix of Mother’s Day Blogs — Blog — WordPress.com

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  43. I just found your blog and I think it’s fantastic. You write beautifully. As far as kids needing a mother? Let me see…mine abandoned my brother and me when we were little, leaving my dad to raise us both on his own. He worked 90 hours a week, still managed to coach my softball team and was front and center at any important event we had. His ability to manage both dual roles and then some, is what made me the parent I am today. So, I’m going to go with no, they don’t. What’s important is that your children are surrounded by people who love them in a safe, secure environment. That’s what shapes a child’s personality and prepares them for their future as confident adults. Clearly, you’ve got that covered.

    As a side note, I’ve always disagreed with the term motherly instinct–to me, it should be parental instinct. It doesn’t matter if you’re sporting balls or a vagina, you are either a good parent or you’re not. I’ve really enjoyed your perspective on things so far and I’m looking forward to reading more.

  44. The comment “kids need a mom” seems so bizarre to me. As though all moms are the same, and all women for that matter. As though men can’t be maternal. Your kids are super lucky, and I’m sure you’ll have no problem finding a female friend to help your daughter with those things, if that’s what you want. Heck my wife and I would be willing! It takes a village anyway, for ALL of us.

  45. I comment when I especially enjoy a article on a site or I have something to add to the conversation.
    Usually it is triggered by the sincerness communicated
    in the article I browsed. And after this article A Gay Dad Wonders Do
    My Kids Deserve a Mom? | Mommy Man. I was actually moved enough to drop a thought ;) I actually do have 2 questions for
    you if you tend not to mind. Is it simply me or does
    it appear like a few of these responses look as if they
    are written by brain dead individuals? :-P And, if you
    are posting on additional places, I would like to follow everything new you have to post.
    Would you list the complete urls of your social sites like your
    Facebook page, twitter feed, or linkedin profile?

  46. I think we’re seeing a classic mistake here. No one argues it would be better to have a sociopathic mother over two healthy gays. But we must compare equals, and not straw men arguments. If everything is equal– two loving gays verses a loving mom and dad–it would be better for a child not to be denied the life experience of a mother.

    • I think you’re looking at my post from the wrong perspective. It’s fine to deal in hypotheticals when you’re a straight person whom no one will question when you want to have a family. But I’m not a hypothetical person starting a family from scratch and trying to create some ideal situation. I’m a gay man with a partner deciding, “Is this enough? Is this fair to a child?” You’re free to think otherwise, but I decided yes, and I now have a very happy, functional family. Thanks for commenting.

  47. I know this is a post from last year but it caught my eye and I felt compelled to comment.

    I think that kids deserve the best life possible. But what is “best”? I think unconditional love, a healthy environment, a good education, raising them to be moral, good and kind, and independent to explore their dreams–however many “parents” they have.

    I have often wondered if my kids would be better off having a healthy mom instead of one who, like me, is disabled. So you are not the only one who wonders if they are enough for their kids (I’m married to their dad, just so you know our “demographic”).

    I haven’t been reading your blog for a long time but it seems to me that you and your parnter are excellent parents to your children. There will always be those to knock you down and tell you that you are not enough (in my case that would be my mother). You only have to look at your children to know the truth–those naysayers are full of bunk.

    xo

  48. So I would never suggest that a non-traditional family should not be allowed to have kids. Or even that they should not choose to have kids if they want them. BUT, I do think if you’re raising your child in a non-traditional family, it behooves you to work a little extra hard to make sure your kid isn’t missing out on something fundamental. You sound sorta pleased to announce that there’s no female role model at your house, which is fine, but I think kids (girls and boys) *need* to have a relationship with a female role model. So it’s your job as a parent to make sure they have one. (I don’t pretend to know whether or not you’re doing this, btw, but there’s a certain F-You, World, We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Mommies Here vibe to this piece that makes me wonder if you’re overlooking the *reasons* that it’s good to have a Great Mom and a Great Dad [or two], you know?)

    • Thanks for the comment. I thought I made it pretty clear that I think moms are awesome and that I think a lot about what my kids might be missing out on by not having one. If I didn’t though, I’ll add that here.

      As for whether my kids have female role models, I just assumed it was obvious that they do, being that they live, you know, on Earth. I’m not raising them in a womanless bubble or something. They have incredible grandmas, aunts, teachers, doctors and friends who are women, plus there’s always Dora the Explorer. They don’t have that female role model within our house, but the village that’s raising our child is pretty close to 50/50 male/female.

  49. Love this, thank you for sharing your thoughts! I think any children fortunate enough to have at least one loving, caring, responsible adult in their life has won the parent lottery. I get the feeling your children have won twice over. Looking forward to following your posts.

  50. I’m a liberal San Franciscian in favor of gay marriage and I’m totally down with gay parents step parents social parents and what have you. I think children can thrive under all kinds of family structures with love and nurturing. That said I reunite separated families your kids are just like everyone else born they do have a mother and a father that made them and in their case one of those two parents is absent and the other one is present. I think people all people should be held equally accountable for their offspring as parents regardless of their sexual orientation or their marital status either to one another or to other people, nothing should matter but being accountable as a parent for the lives we reproduce to create. There is no third party reproduction. Two parties reproduce, whether they know one another or not it is them that’s the couple that has the offspring that become parents the day that kid is born regardless who gives birth and regardless who winds up raising the kid. I think that marital presumption needs to end for everyone. Nobody should be named parent on the birth certificate of a child that is not their own offspring. There is nothing wrong with being a legal step parent of a child and there are no rules about how a child will feel towards their parent or their step parent. Lots of people love their step parents more than their parents.

    You sound as if you are a loving and involved father and I’m sure your husband/parter is just as awesome as you at it but that does not mean that their mother could not have had joint custody and collaborated with their father in the best interests of their kids in order that their children would be full fledged legal members of both families. Their mother could have wanted to remain involved and you could have wanted her to remain involved and all of you could have wanted to be an alternative family form where both bio parents took full responsibility and met your obligations regardless of not being a couple. Millions of parents have joint custody and have other spouses and live unconventionally and have well adjusted kids. If Mom was an egg donor, yes I’m talking about her.

    Maybe you feel like you did not have the option in your time when you went to start a family but moving forward there are now places where people can look for donors who want to be parents who won’t care if you are partnered or married who are looking for joint custodial arrangements because they are not waiting on Mr or Ms right romantically and those arrangements should really be encouraged over looking to have offspring with someone who wants nothing to do with the child. Because its a huge loss that can’t be made up by anyone else of any gender. It’s their family and their legal rights that they loose in their family. It is very sad and it has nothing to do with how wonderful the people that raise the kids are.

    Like I said I reunite separated families and more and more donor offspring and parents who donated and their relatives are looking for help finding the family they lost in these arrangements, not because there is anything wrong with who raised the kids just because everyone has a mom and a dad and that connects them to a whole family that gets separated when someone fails to fulfill their duties as parent of their own offspring. You don’t want your kids to ever think that you wanted their mother not to be involved in their lives or that you thought she was irrelevant or replaceable.

    • Oh fine, I’ll bite. You seem to have taken an interest in/developed an obsession with my blog, and I can’t quite tell if (a) this is an effort to drum up business for whatever it is you do, (b) you want to have an intelligent debate on the subject or (c) you’re just a kook. I’m betting (c), but what the hell. I’ll give you a shot with writing my intelligent response, while remaining as cordial as possible after all you’ve written.

      My children do not have a mother. At 4 years old, they already are — and will remain throughout life — aware of how they were created and where their DNA came from. They know their surrogate and their egg donor, and while we haven’t made the distinction yet because we don’t feel it’s important, we expect that they’ll someday do the math and realize that I was their sperm donor. None of this bothers any of us, and while my kids are still too young to fully grasp what makes our family unique, we see no reason for them to be confused by/ashamed of/frustrated with their family structure when we have been so transparent and positive about it since the day they were born. There is no reuniting to be done, no service you could provide them that would make any difference in their life whatsoever.

      You say you’re “down with gay parents”, but I wonder how true that is when you insist on forcing our families into your own rigid definitions. If you’ve read my blog, you’ll see I’m clearly of the belief that “mother” and “father” are terms reserved for the people who raise you. Thus, my kids have no mother and two fathers. “Surrogate” and “egg donor” are also terms of honor in our family, and those individuals have a very special place with us. To suggest that either or both of them need to take an active role in sharing custody of our children is to completely miss the point of the family we’ve built. Our surrogate and egg donor each have their own families and have no interest in sharing custody of our children. Nor would that be geographically feasible, as they are both prohibitively far away. Nor have my kids ever asked for this. Again, they’re only 4, and I imagine that will be your response, that you’ll assure me that they’ll never be fulfilled by our family structure. Well, I can’t prove you wrong. All I can say is, come back to me in a few years, and I’ll let you know.

      I’m aware that your definitions of family, mother, father, etc. are quite different from mine, and that you place a much higher priority on genetics than I do. That’s fine. You’re entitled to have your own views and to build your own family accordingly. But nobody asked you to judge my family according to your standards. There are plenty of people who don’t believe families should have two dads, and my response to them is the same as my response to you: stay the hell away from us. (Yes, that’s the cordial version of what I mean to say there.)

      I know plenty of people who’ve built their families through adoption, surrogacy, foster care, co-parenting, single parenting, just about anything you can imagine, and their families are beautiful. Many of them have chosen paths that wouldn’t have worked for me and my partner, but I love and respect them just the same and am glad they’ve found a family structure that works for them and that they get to experience the immense joys of parenthood.

      I wish the same for you and also hope you can someday appreciate that the diversity of modern families is a good thing for all of us.

      Thanks for writing.

  51. omg – the things people say to you – have they ever heard of the term – “Frankly my dear it’s none of your damn business” – or “I’m sorry, you seem to have mistaken me with someone who gives a shit.” Great post – you love your kids and that’s enough for me!

  52. I found and started reading your blog earlier this week. It’s infinitely more entertaining (and distracting) than writing a paper for graduate school. (You beat out my usual go-to of the panda cam, by the way.) I was adopted from Colombia by a mom and a dad and never knew any other way. I asked preschool friends which country they came from and got really strange looks. I knew I was different and wore it with pride. As I grew older, my relationship with my mom deteriorated and it’s been just me and dad since they divorced when I was 19. Sure, maybe a mom could have helped when I gained a freshman 30. Instead, Dad gave me use of the credit card to go shopping for clothes that fit to stop my hysterics when my spring wardrobe suddenly didn’t. Sure, maybe a mom could have helped ease the pain of a broken engagement. Dad’s, “There’s other fish in the sea, honey,” wasn’t exactly comforting, but he was there the next day with a U-Haul and my old furniture for my now empty apartment. But not MY mom. A mom, especially a crappy one, isn’t something I deserve. Supportive, loving people committed to helping me to succeed are what I deserve. And it’s what I have. Currently, my boyfriend of 6 years and his 11 year old son live with me. I call him my stepson because it’s easier than saying, “My boyfriend’s son, who he has custody of, who has lived with us for 4 years, that I treat as if he were my son, and my father treats as if he was his grandson.” He and Dad could not be further biologically removed or have a closer relationship. If I had a nickel for every time someone said, “But don’t you want one of your own?” I’d have a vacation. No. This parenting thing is really freakin’ hard, and I feel like no less of a parent because I met him when he was 5 than if I carried him in my womb. Blood means little to me. Most anyone can physically produce offspring. But not everyone can be a parent to raise children. My family is different than your family, which is different than the family I grew up in, which is different than the family my stepson will have, and which is different than the traditional family of the 50’s. And that’s okay. There’s no shortage of love here. I’ll keep your blog bookmarked for the next time I have writer’s block at 2 in the morning. Keep up the great work. Your kids are lucky to have you both.

  53. Beautifully said. Children need LOVE. Whether it’s from a mum and dad, 2 mums, 2 dads, 1 mum, 1 dad, grandparents, aunties or uncles, or any myriad of combinations. Regardless of the size or shape or colour or gender of the caregiver, to flourish, love is all they need.

  54. “Regional tourism department yesterday, Paris, France, an official said in an interview in June, Paris police cooperation with local tourism bureau published the Chinese version of the “Paris tourism safety guide, for Chinese tourists to provide tools for tackling the assault and robbery

  55. I was raised by my dad after my mum died when I was three. Forty odd years later I still think of my mom constantly and miss her horrendously, I cried during prenatal visits to my doctor when I saw other women with their mothers in the waiting room. I have spent my lifetime wondering what she was like and gobbling up any piece of information about her I could get from relatives and people who knew her. I am only just learning to understand the extent of the deleterious effect her absence had on my life. I did not reach my full potential and I lack self esteem and confidence.

    My mother had no choice but you did and you have selfishly chosen to put your children through the same horrendous loss as I suffered and worse.

    • I’m very sorry you lost your mother so young. That’s definitely tragic. However, it’s not the same situation my kids are in. They’ve never had a mother to lose, so they don’t feel the loss or sense of absence you do. They’re being raised by two dads who love them very much. If one of us were to die young, I’m sure the pain for them would be as great as the pain you felt when your mom passed away, but again, that wouldn’t be related to our gender. My kids have tons of self-esteem and confidence, and we’re determined to help them reach their full potential. I wish you the strength to do the same.

  56. I’m glad that I have a mom. I could never imagine not having her. I know that I would have survived without her, but nothing can replace a mother. (Or a father).

    There is something unique about a mothers love that a dad ain’t provide. A nurturing and comforting love that is enhanced by being able to be affectionate. Around 8 I know that I would be uncomfortable acting loving towards my dad the way I was able to around my mom. There is just something different and unique.

  57. I’ve been reading your blog all morning, I have not laughed out loud like this, cried like this, and been more happy for children I have never met ever! A family that provides a safe, nurturing and secure environment for children is what’s important, and the adults who provide this can be any combination of females and males, judge not to all the ones who judge others, clean up your own backyard, this one is full of the sound of laughter, and the sexual orientation of those laughing is not a issue! ! LOVE THE BLOG, SAVING MONEY FOR THE BOOK!

  58. For somebody who’s uncomfortable with my family, you sure spent a lot of time commenting on my blog today, “Clint”. You’re entitled to your opinion, but you’re wrong about one thing. I’ve received more support, understanding and love than I ever imagined, both from commenters on this blog and from friends, family and people I care about. In spite of people like you, I have all the love I need in this world. Maybe you should try to find a little more in your own life and stop trolling my site.

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